Last week, Tamra, Vicki and their men traveled to Catalina for Tamra’s birthday. Eddie and Vicki held hands. So Tamra put Brooks’ hand on her own boob. Eddie got pissed.
And that’s where we’re picking up with the most recent episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Let's break it all down in THG's official +/- recap below!
Tamra realizes the error of her boob-grabbing ways.
She and Eddie go for a walk. Tamra breaks down and cries that she was jealous of all the attention Eddie was paying to Vicki and admits to the boob grab as an attention…uh…grabber because she LOVES.HIM.SO.MUCH.
Minus 5 to Tamra for being ridiculous.
Vicki and Brooks, meanwhile, think nothing of Tamra’s forced man-handling and go straight to dinner. Where the promptly order more booze.
Minus 5 to them because more booze is exactly what NONE OF THEM need right now.
Back on the mainland, Heather and Terry go to dinner and the waitress hands Heather the menu already opened. As soon as the waitress is out of earshot, Heather feels compelled to complain that the menu being already opened makes her feel rushed. Uh, Heather, I’m pretty sure that’s a courtesy so you won’t chip your manicure.
Terry says he’s so hungry he doesn’t even think he can talk to Heather. I think he can’t talk to her because she’s a picky, snotty bitch.
She calls him “part husband, part little brother she never wanted” in a one-on-one, so I’m calling the fact that she looks at him as a brother Problem the First with this couple.
And then, just in case she hasn’t been ridiculous enough, she equates ordering Chinese takeout or reheating leftover soup with cooking dinner for her family every night. I wish that would fly with my husband.
Minus 20, Heather, for being obnoxious.Tamra and Eddie have rejoined Vicki and Brooks at dinner, and Tamra’s about .02 seconds away from crying into her cocktails.
“I just…I’ve never loved any one as much as I love Eddie,” she blubbers, wiping her tears on her napkin.
Then Tamra lays down the law—Vicki and Eddie are not to so much as high five one another because seeing them touch even in the most platonic of ways makes her psycho.
Minus 10 to Tamra for being… well… a psycho.
This dinner just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
After reconciling and proclaiming they just need to drink more, Tamra begins to grill Brooks on whether or not he’s into the T or the A. Does he like fake boobs? BIG fake boobs? Big asses?
His answer? “I like Vicki’s.”
Good man, Brooks. Good man. Plus 5 for you for knowing the kosher answer here, even if you did inadvertently say that Vicki has a fat ass.
Gretchen and Slade are taking their overweight Chihuahuas for a walk. Except Gretchen picks one of them up. That’s not how you exercise a dog, Gretchen. And you’re wearing the most ridiculous outfit I’ve ever seen in my life. Minus 5 for the hot pants and boots get-up.
Slade’s been asked to do an improv stand-up routine and Gretchen’s not sure if he can pull this off. Slade thinks this is a career opportunity. Gretchen thinks he’s going to bomb, but she supports him. Hesitantly. Plus 5 for being sort of supportive.
Tamra and Eddie are back on the boat returning home from Catalina. Tamra doesn’t feel good. Eddie blames it on the boat. I’m blaming it on the booze.
Eddie has the most genius plan ever—that they not drink anymore. Oh, and that Tamra not put another man’s hand on her boob anymore. And he won’t touch her friends. But then she says she doesn’t care if he touches Vicki and their fight was stupid.
She says he’s her “hot dog” stand. And Eddie says “No, I’m a taco stand.” Tamra looks shocked. “No, I’m the taco stand!” Eddie replies, “No, you’re a pink taco stand.” And then Tamra almost vomited and so did I. Minus 5 because now I can never eat hot dogs or tacos again.
Heather’s planning a painting party. With cocktails and hors d’ouevres. None of the women have any idea what this “painting party” business is. None of them. Like, they’ve never even heard of this concept before. They are way more inclined to just purchase their paintings and not DIY them. Plus 10 to Heather for coming up with something original.
Tamra and Gretchen meet up for a little shopping. They’re bonding. Over sex toys. Tamra spends $265 there. I’m thinking this trip to the sex toy shop was a way to bond with Gretchen AND to patch things up with Eddie. Plus 10 for trying, Tamra.
Heather arrives at the painting party studio and has her first glass of champagne while her caterer sets up the completely carb-free meal she requested after all the carb talk at Vicki’s party. Minus 5 Heather. CARBS ARE GOOD FOR YOU.
Alexis and Gretchen split a limo ride and talk about the party at Vicki’s. Alexis is still hung up on the Peggy thing. She is the teacher from Charlie Brown to me right now. Let it go, Alexis. Just let it go. This is going to give you wrinkles and then you’re going to need more Botox. Minus 10 for rehashing this drama every.single.time. you can.
Vicki is the first to arrive at the studio, so she and Heather bond over their awesome immune systems. Tamra shows up and says she hasn’t been feeling well. Vicki, or maybe Heather, drop the “are you pregnant?” question. Tamra lets us all know she just put in her new Nuva Ring. Vicki says “I don’t do babies. Not at our age.” Tamra’s quick to say “our age? I’m not quite your age.” Vicki’s eyes get a little wide.
NICE, Tamra. Nice. I see a blow-out in your future, and I’m not talking about the kind you get at the salon. Minus 5 for insulting your supposed friend.
Gretchen drops the bomb on Alexis—she and Tamra are mending their fences. Alexis, as Gretchen’s “true friend,” advises Gretchen to be careful. Good looking out, Alexis. I think. Plus 5.
The ladies have all arrived at the painting studio and Heather, in addition to being a mom of 4, wife to a plastic surgeon, actress, model, and Chinese takeout orderer extraordinaire, is also planning to open a restaurant with some girlfriends. Minus 5 for being even more pretentious than I originally thought possible.
Heather and Vicki are two peas in a pod when it comes to being prudes. The minute Tamra and Gretchen start recounting their voyage to the sex toy shop, Heather and Vicki clam up like…clams. Plus 10 to Gretchen and Tamra for making the ladies squirm.
Finally, the painting teacher arrives! And Vicki insults her by saying there’s no way her name (Timree) can be her real name! Because who names her kid Timree!? Minus 5 Vicki, for being ridiculous.
Vicki cannot handle that Tamra and Gretchen have something going on. Cannot handle it. And neither can Alexis. While Tamra and Gretchen are being completely rational human beings, Alexis is buddying up to Vicki and spilling the beans on the Gretchen-Tamra partnership.
Heather’s being pretentious again. Her strength is acting. And singing. And oh, did we know she toured with a 14 piece band for 4 years? Minus 5 more.
Terry shows up to meet the women his wife are spending time with. He recounts his day - a face lift in the morning, a nose job in the afternoon, and then a breast cancer reconstruction surgery. His favorite surgery is the face lift. Not the altruistic reconstruction. I’m giving him a side-eye for this.
Then he says he hates weddings. He even hated his own wedding. Plus 5, Terry, because you’re not afraid to admit you maybe made a mistake.
Except it gets better.
He says he and Heather were married happily for 5 years or so, but unfortunately, they’ve been married for 12 years. Plus 5 more because you made me laugh.
Tamra says “I was married 12 years once! Now I’m having GOOD SEX.” Vicki and Heather squirm a little more and Heather runs for the wine. Plus 10 to Tamra! Heather’s uncomfortable!
Brooks shows up, too. And I think he might be wearing the same outfit he wore on the boat to Catalina. It’s the outfit Vicki bought him and insisted he wear. I feel like she should buy him some more clothes so he can quit recycling this shirt. Except maybe she’d have to actually go to work to be able to afford them.
The paintings are framed and the women start debating who did the best job. Four out of five think Vicki’s is the best. Tamra, to be obnoxious, says she thinks Gretchen’s is the best. Gretchen squeals “Oh, you’re my BEE EFF EEEEFFFFFF!!!!!” And Vicki’s face almost explodes. Plus 10 to Tamra and Gretchen because Vicki’s face was priceless.
Minus 5 to Vicki, however, for leaving without even acknowledging Tamra. Be better than that, Vicki.
Gretchen comes in and Slade’s cooking spaghetti. Yay carbs!! Plus 5.
Gretchen reveals that she’s been getting messages all day about Brooks. He’s a “dead beat dad” who owes a lot of money in back child support and alimony and has been arrested. Gretchen’s willing to give the benefit of the doubt because anyone on the internet can make up lies. But she’s only giving so much benefit.
Slade, however, is not even sort of willing to give anyone the benefit of any doubt since Vicki and Tamra called him shady. Plus 10 to Slade for sticking up for himself.
EPISODE TOTAL: EVEN! SEASON TOTAL: +20!
Next week? Alexis tells Heather she’s a TV news anchor and then has no idea what an anchor actually is. That should be entertaining.