It’s a new week on The Real Housewives of OC and we’re picking up right where we left off during last week's season premiere - the party at Vicki’s house.
Actually, we’re backtracking a wee bit and seeing the arrivals of all the women again. And the awkward. Alexis looks downright unhappy being in the same place as Peggy.
And Peggy looks like a man. So there’s that.
The two of them swap some war stories about broken bones and Alexis attempts to one-up Peggy’s three year old daughter. Minus 10, Alexis.
But Plus 5 to Peggy for walking away.
Vicki says she’s having seller’s remorse and will be sad to leave the house. Then she sort of dodges questions about Don’s current relationships. You know, since they’re still living in the same house and all. I mean, seeing your nearly-ex-husband’s hookups doing the walk-of-shame out of your own house can’t be awkward AT ALL, right??
Ahhh, finally. Time for the appetizer course. Oysters.
Minus 10 for gross.
Gretchen shows Tamra how to eat oysters and Tamra makes a face that says she does not enjoy swallowing. Oysters, I mean. (Sheesh, people!) Plus 15 for trying those slimy little bottom-feeders because that’s more than I would do.Vicki watches this entire exchange and suddenly realizes that something’s up with Gretchen and Tamra, but before she can form a coherent thought about what she’s just seen, new housewife throws her two cents into the pot when another party-goer says her fiancés proposal (in the Bahamas) was a bit lackluster.
“No honey, you know what he needs to do?” Heather says. “He needs to buy a ring. Until a man makes a monetary commitment…I’m sorry. He needs the ring.”
And Tamra says “I think Heather’s an opinionated person.”
GEE. YOU THINK?
Minus 10 for Heather’s over-opinionatedness.
It’s dinner time. Vicki tells the ladies they’ll be eating Cajun-style cuisine since she’s dating a man from Mississippi. Tamra complains about there being Fritos in her gumbo and Gretchen tells her to think of them as just the crunchy parts of a soup. Heather makes a crack about how Gretchen will give up carbs once she has kids and Gretchen just kind of stares at her.
Minus 5, Tamra. EAT THE CARBS, DAMMIT.
The ladies talk briefly about how Heather’s husband is a plastic surgeon but she’s never had any work done. She says that she’s finally considering it because, you know, she’s an actress. She wants to be able to play different kinds of roles. I can’t decide if plastic surgery would help or hurt her in that attempt, really. I’m not sure what point that little tidbit served, but there it is.
Tamra points out that Gretchen’s had her lips done recently. Over the middle of the first course of dinner. Gretchen neither confirms nor denies, but is clearly miffed at Tamra for the attention. Minus 5, Tamra, for being a bitch to your new friend.
But, Plus 10 to Vicki for making them all wear those ridiculous plastic bibs. Nothing says “classy” like a plastic bib with a lobster on it.
Another Plus 10 to Vicki for grossing the ladies out with the crawfish and shrimp served in plastic bags. Poor, poor ladies. It must be awful to have to work for your food.
Alexis and Gretchen leave the party and Peggy bursts into tears because she’s “lost her friend.” Tamra tries to be the intermediary by sending Peggy to talk to Alexis, but Alexis says they can’t talk right then because they’ve been drinking and should just meet for lunch to talk with clear heads even though she doesn’t think they have a lot to say.
Peggy says she’s trying to be the bigger person.
Plus 10 to Alexis for actually BEING the bigger person by not trying to have a serious discussion when they’ve both been drinking.
Peggy, Vicki, and Tamra discuss Jim and his dishonesty. Peggy and Jim had a relationship BEFORE Jim and Alexis got together, right? So what’s the deal with Alexis not knowing this until 5 months ago?
Oh, right. Because Alexis is a bit of a princess. Minus 10 for making mountains out of molehills. And I’m not talking about her boobs.
Heather tells us she’s from small town New York. She came to LA to be an actress and met Terry, her now-husband plastic surgeon. She’s sure to tell us it was love at first sight. For him.
Heather’s closet is as big as my house. The house also has a movie theater and an elevator. And she’s complaining about how they don’t have enough space for all four of their children’s rooms to be upstairs. What a problem to have, y’all. Minus 10 for First World Problems.
Terry and Heather are Jewish. And Buddhists. She calls them Boo-Jews. But, she and her four children bake their own challah bread, so Plus 20. (That’s a cumulative Plus 5 for each child.)
Back at Tamra’s house, Tamra’s folding clothes and packing a suitcase while talking to her boyfriend Eddie about their upcoming trip to Catalina for Tamra’s birthday. They’re bringing Vicki and Books along. And there’s NEVER been any drama.
Which means there’s sure to be drama, right??
Vicki calls Brooks and asks him if he’s packed. He says he is. And then she tells him what to pack. And follows it up with “He’s strong and he’s not going to let me tell him what to do.”
Minus 10 for being a control freak.
Gretchen and Slade have dinner and Slade asks about Vicki’s party. Gretchen says she had more fun than she anticipated but she expected Peggy and Alexis to duke it out. Then she calls Heather pretentious.
Plus 10 to Gretchen for hitting that nail. And for eating pizza. Go Team Carbs!
Alexis is getting her hair done, I think for a Starbucks run, with her children as helpers. She lets her son help by lining her lips and then says “I just like to look natural. Like I don’t have a lot of makeup on.” Her son says “It looks like you have a lot on.”
From the mouths of babes, y’all. Mouth. Of. Babes. Plus 15 for that, kid.
Tamra picks up Vicki and Brooks in a limo and they’re off to Catalina. Tamra says she’s looking out for Vicki and wants to make sure Brooks is a good guy.
Vicki’s love tank is empty, y’all. And Brooks is working hard to fill it up. He gives Vicki cards every day. Tamra seems disgusted. Or jealous. I mean, Vicki’s getting cards and sweet nothings. Tamra’s getting farts and public nose hair plucking.
Plus 5 to Vicki and Brooks. Plus 10 to Tamra for having a freaking nose hair trimmer IN HER PURSE.
Gretchen’s off to a photo shoot for the bag she designed for a breast cancer campaign. It’s a nude photo shoot. To sell a handbag. Maybe she’s rethinking those carbs now.
Plus 5 for confidence, Gretchen. And carbs.
Remember that drama Tamra foreshadowed by saying there was NEVER any drama when she and Vicki and their men got together?
Vicki, Brooks, Tamra, and Eddie are on a boat to Catalina. And Tamra orders shots. Of tequila. Pre-tequila all the talk of licking, drinking, and sucking just makes Vicki the Prude uncomfortable. Post-tequila, Vicki’s all warmed up and ready to go.
Vicki grabs Eddie’s hand and they touch each other’s faces. Tamra goes all Crazy Jealous Bitch. She grabs Brooks’ hand in retaliation. And puts his hand on her boob.
SCREEEEEEEEEECH! That’s the sound of the party coming to a halt.
Eddie’s pretty upset. Vicki asks “So, how about those Cubs!?” The tension isn’t broken.
But Plus 5 for trying, Vicki. I’ll give you points for that.
Tamra, however, gets Minus 20 points for blaming Eddie as they depart the boat and making everything his fault when she’s the one who put Brooks hand on her boob and all he did was touch Vicki’s face. Tamra realizes the mistake she’s made, but not until next week’s episode, so no points until then.
EPISODE TOTAL: +15! SEASON TOTAL: +20!