Tale of the NFL Playoff Tape: New England Patriots vs. Denver Broncos

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If betting on sports were legal, the THG staff would be a rich group. We went 3-0-1 in opening round NFL playoff predictions last weekend, even correctly forecasting Denver's upset over Pittsburgh.

Stick with us, readers. We know what really counts in these matchups.

Now we're back to tell you which teams will advance to their respective conference championship games. First up: Five key comparisons between the New England Patriots and Denver Broncos, who square off Saturday night at 8 p.m.

Pats vs. Broncos

NUMBER OF TIMES QB HAS GOTTEN LAID:
Patriots: At least two
Broncos: None
Edge: Patriots

QUARTERBACK-BASED PROOF THAT GOD EXITS:
Patriots: This wife
Broncos: This play
Edge: Patriots

EXPERIENCE WITH CHAD OCHOCINCO:
Patriots: Disappointing free agent pickup
Broncos: None
Edge: Broncos

STAR PLAYER'S GOD-GIVEN ABILITY:
Patriots: Dancing
Broncos: Everything
Edge: Broncos

POSSIBLE ACHILLIES HEEL:
Patriots: Pass defense, running game, overconfidence
Broncos: Satan
Edge: Patriots

THE VERDICT: It will be closer than people expect, but the Patriots take it. Seriously, if Tebow is tight with the son of God, Brady must at least be BFFs with His nephew. The Golden Boy has a huge day.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?

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Tom Brady Biography

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Born
Birthplace
San Mateo, California
Full Name
Thomas Edward Brady, Jr.