Tale of the NFL Playoff Tape: Denver Broncos vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

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The NFL playoffs get underway this weekend, with four Divisional Round matchups across the AFC and the NFC.

Which Wild Card teams might pull an upset? Forget listening to Vegas or ESPN experts. Over the next few days, THG will breakdown each game, giving readers the inside scoop on what's what really important, along with which team has the edge in each showdown...

Denver Broncos vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

1. STARTING QUARTERBACK ...
Steelers: Accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger
Broncos: Self-proclaimed virgin and man of God, Tim Tebow
Edge: Broncos

2. FAMOUS FANS ...
Steelers: January Jones, Seth Meyers, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bishop Thomas Tobin of the Diocese of Providence, Bret Michaels, Verne Troyer
Broncos: Scott Porter, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Jesus Christ (rumored), Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld)
Edge: Steelers

3. CELEBRITY OWNERSHIP CONNECTION ...
Steelers: Rooney Mara, great-granddaughter of founder Art Rooney, Sr.
Broncos: Homer Simpson, one-time owner
Edge: Tie

4. LOCAL DELICACY ...
Steelers: Pierogies
Broncos: Omelettes
Edge: Broncos

5. TEAM RUSHING YARDS PER GAME ...
Steelers: 118.9 (14th in NFL)
Broncos: 164.5 (1st in NFL)
Edge: Broncos

6. WELL-KNOWN EX-PLAYERS ...
Steelers: Najeh Davenport, arrested in 2002 for defecating in an ex-girlfriend's laundry basket; Terry Bradshaw, irritating Fox analyst
Broncos: John Elway, two-time Super Bowl champion; Tom Jackson, informative ESPN analyst
Edge: Broncos

7. TOTAL DEFENSE (Yards Per Game) ...
Steelers: 271.8 (1st in NFL)
Broncos: 357.8 (20th in NFL)
Edge: Steelers

8. IMPORTANT INJURY ...
Steelers: Rashard Mendenhall, torn ACL
Broncos: The wheels on the Tebow bandwagon
Edge: Tie

9. BEST WIDE RECEIVER ...
Steelers: Mike Wallace
Broncos: Eric Decker
Edge: Steelers

10. NUMBER OF EX-KARDASHIAN BOYFRIENDS ON ROSTER ...
Steelers: Zero
Broncos: Zero
Edge: Tie

THE VERDICT: As close as it gets, but the Broncos take it by a final count of 4-3-3. The Steelers may be a 9-point favorite, but we wouldn't bet against these Tale of the Tape results if we were you. Or Jesus.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN THE MATCHUP?

 

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I use to think Elway was all that and then some! I'm guessing that California Liberal Shit is just to deeply embedded. It seems that SOME NFL Fans would rather look up to a Corn Rolled Pit Bull Fighting Micheal Vick rather than a TBOW! How in the Fuck do any really know what his is praying about when he drops to a knee! This Country can't stand to see a Straight Laced Sports figure who has morals! No-We cheer for some uneducated Drug Running -Dick Holding-Whore Running -Court Date Waiting-Jive Ass Thug! If it wasn't for the NFL half these Mother Fuckers would be doing what's Natural- Robbing 7 Elevens! Elway-He can't even say that TeBow is his #1 QB next year! What a Joke.

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Stick to gossip u twitts!!!

Bob sodervick

GO SF49ers!!

Levi1132

@Bud: Of course Tebow, a virgin, won't break Ben's cherry. That's what being a virgin means. Sheesh!

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THG You are a stupid prick. Your MOUTH is more of a RAPIST than anything I can think of. You are a DEADPAN Bronco Fan and that "VIRGIN" Tebow will never break Big Ben's CHERRY. So there ASSHOLE.

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Big Ben versus Tim Tebow: an interesting match up. Ben has more playoff experience. One mistake, proved to be costly.

Levi1132

@Lisa: We accept any and all sports-related trivia you'd like to throw our way. We'll wax you in an instant!
And we stand behind our statement regarding Ben. Was he an accused rapist? Yes. That's a fact.

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It is amazing how steeler nation gets all bent out of shape about this article. It is satire douche bags and take it as such. Go Broncos!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Tebow sucks he can't even throw this is gonna be a joke GO STEELER NATION

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THG, stick to mindless gossip and stay the F out of sports. First of all, charges were never filed against Ben because that scummy chick admitted to lying!!!!!!!! So I'd be really careful throwing the word "rapist" around. Second, quoting stats does not make you educated about sports, this article proves you have no knowledge of football and to be honest it's laughable. Must have been a slow gossip day but do us all a favor and post a photo gallery of "hot asses" instead of trying to sound well rounded... because you're not!!

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