Tale of the NFL Playoff Tape: Denver Broncos vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

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The NFL playoffs get underway this weekend, with four Divisional Round matchups across the AFC and the NFC.

Which Wild Card teams might pull an upset? Forget listening to Vegas or ESPN experts. Over the next few days, THG will breakdown each game, giving readers the inside scoop on what's what really important, along with which team has the edge in each showdown...

Denver Broncos vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

1. STARTING QUARTERBACK ...
Steelers: Accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger
Broncos: Self-proclaimed virgin and man of God, Tim Tebow
Edge: Broncos

2. FAMOUS FANS ...
Steelers: January Jones, Seth Meyers, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bishop Thomas Tobin of the Diocese of Providence, Bret Michaels, Verne Troyer
Broncos: Scott Porter, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Jesus Christ (rumored), Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld)
Edge: Steelers

3. CELEBRITY OWNERSHIP CONNECTION ...
Steelers: Rooney Mara, great-granddaughter of founder Art Rooney, Sr.
Broncos: Homer Simpson, one-time owner
Edge: Tie

4. LOCAL DELICACY ...
Steelers: Pierogies
Broncos: Omelettes
Edge: Broncos

5. TEAM RUSHING YARDS PER GAME ...
Steelers: 118.9 (14th in NFL)
Broncos: 164.5 (1st in NFL)
Edge: Broncos

6. WELL-KNOWN EX-PLAYERS ...
Steelers: Najeh Davenport, arrested in 2002 for defecating in an ex-girlfriend's laundry basket; Terry Bradshaw, irritating Fox analyst
Broncos: John Elway, two-time Super Bowl champion; Tom Jackson, informative ESPN analyst
Edge: Broncos

7. TOTAL DEFENSE (Yards Per Game) ...
Steelers: 271.8 (1st in NFL)
Broncos: 357.8 (20th in NFL)
Edge: Steelers

8. IMPORTANT INJURY ...
Steelers: Rashard Mendenhall, torn ACL
Broncos: The wheels on the Tebow bandwagon
Edge: Tie

9. BEST WIDE RECEIVER ...
Steelers: Mike Wallace
Broncos: Eric Decker
Edge: Steelers

10. NUMBER OF EX-KARDASHIAN BOYFRIENDS ON ROSTER ...
Steelers: Zero
Broncos: Zero
Edge: Tie

THE VERDICT: As close as it gets, but the Broncos take it by a final count of 4-3-3. The Steelers may be a 9-point favorite, but we wouldn't bet against these Tale of the Tape results if we were you. Or Jesus.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN THE MATCHUP?

 
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    Comments (10 Total)


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    Reed

    I use to think Elway was all that and then some! I'm guessing that California Liberal Shit is just to deeply embedded. It seems that SOME NFL Fans would rather look up to a Corn Rolled Pit Bull Fighting Micheal Vick rather than a TBOW! How in the Fuck do any really know what his is praying about when he drops to a knee! This Country can't stand to see a Straight Laced Sports figure who has morals! No-We cheer for some uneducated Drug Running -Dick Holding-Whore Running -Court Date Waiting-Jive Ass Thug! If it wasn't for the NFL half these Mother Fuckers would be doing what's Natural- Robbing 7 Elevens! Elway-He can't even say that TeBow is his #1 QB next year! What a Joke.

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    Harry Karry

    Stick to gossip u twitts!!!

    Bob-sodervick
    Reply
    Bob Sodervick

    GO SF49ers!!

    Levi1132
    Reply
    Hilton Hater

    @Bud: Of course Tebow, a virgin, won't break Ben's cherry. That's what being a virgin means. Sheesh!

    Avatar
    Reply
    Bud

    THG You are a stupid prick. Your MOUTH is more of a RAPIST than anything I can think of. You are a DEADPAN Bronco Fan and that "VIRGIN" Tebow will never break Big Ben's CHERRY. So there ASSHOLE.