Jersey Shore Season Premiere Recap: New Summer, Same Old Situation

by at . Comments

Booze. Smooshing. Fights. More Booze. Grenades. Kooka.

They get on our nerves at times, but like family members, we're not ashamed to admit we the Jersey Shore crew and their unique brand of crazineess, even if the fourth season concluded a mere two months ago. Welcome back to America, brah.

Throughout much of last season in Italy, Mike was trying to insert himself in Snooki, and Snooki's relationship with Jionni. That was pretty much the case again in the Season 5 premiere Thursday night, at least the latter part. So what went down?

Come along for THG's official recap, +/- style!!

The Situation, No Pants

The roommates head back home and begin filming Season 5 in N.J. immediately, a move MTV said was to "preserve chemistry." More like not allow the ticking time bomb any opportunity to reset. Plus 10 for the viewers who benefit.

As they run up the stairs to the Seaside house, it's like they never left. We feel strangely at home there too by now, even if we feel the need to bathe in hand sanitizer and rubbing alcohol after watching each episode. Plus 5.

The first hours back at the Shore are spent: Downing pickle juice (Snook, Plus 5), downing Ron Ron Juice (All, Plus 5), dry humping (Vinny and Pauly, a little over the top, but Plus 1) and a strollin' on the boardwalk (Plus 4). Like old times.

"I'm tanorexic, bro." - Pauly D, about to get his GTL on. Plus 3.

Minus 7 for a pro like Pauly going so overboard. Rookie mistake.

Minus 7 more for Vinny's douche-tastic new haircut. WOW.

Piccccccckles!

Shore Store boss Danny invites the gang out to some bar called Captain Hook's, where ... everyone's family and friends had assembled to see them! Say what you will, they were genuinely shocked and emotional and it was sweet to watch. Plus 8.

Of course Uncle Nino is straight up CREEPIN' on the girls. Plus 12.

Things get awkward when Snooki hugs Vinny's mom in front of her boyfriend Jionni. These things happen when you sleep with everyone you know. Minus 9.

JWoww, now firmly entrenched as the most sane member of the house, almost goes out of her way to avoid drama nowadays. We love us some Jenni. Plus 5.

Oh $h!t. UNIT in the house! Plus 14 for introducing this as-yet-unseen pal of Mike's, who supposedly "saw" the infamous Sitch-Snooki bodily-fluid exchange.

Minus 3 for the general grossness of the Unit, howev.

Snooki, whose BFF Ryder (heretofore known as Ryd-her) is also in town, is FAR from pleased that Unit will be staying in Seaside. The plot thickens. Plus 4.

“This is hurricane season,” Mike warns. “And it’s headed straight for Snooki Island.” Really, Mike? Even you can do better than that one, brah. Minus 17.

Snook and Situation

Lots of back and forth bleeped-out yelling (all while Jionni was in the bathroom) but in the end, nothing was clarified. That's Jersey Shore for you. Plus 6.

Ronnie felt Snooki's reaction indicated a guilty conscience. Ya think?! Plus 8.

The Situation and The Unit get comfortable back at the Seaside house, standing around talking in no pants. That's not weird whatsoever guys. Minus 11.

Plus 15 for Mike being so open about his obvious gay tendencies, though.

Roger sighting, albeit far too brief. Good dude, right? Plus 4.

Pauly and Ryder become one in a full-on make-out session in front of Deena, who didn't seem too pleased. This crew is getting beyond incestuous. Minus 12.

"Whether you're the first man in, or the last man in… Ryd-er." Plus 20.

“Ryder’s f***ed everyone in the house,” says Vin. “If she f***s Ronnie, it’s like guido Bingo! Everybody ride her, just like a bus route.” Jay-Z? So proud. Plus 7.

Sad Vinny

Jionni decides to try to pare down the tension by buying drinks for Mike, and Sitch, who was admittedly wondering why, was nonetheless appreciative. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Not an awful strategy, J. Plus 6.

"Mike's a nice guy. He's nice to me." - Jionni. Did MTV cut off this guy's cable package or something? He obviously hasn't seen Jersey Shore Season 4. Minus 7.

Club Aztec? Grenades and land mines everywhere. It's like the Green Zone. Minus 6.

Poor Vinny is "in a funk" after seeing his family. Pauly D tries to comfort him amid threats to leave Seaside, but this is one homesick puppy, despite being a mere two hours away. Eh. You get paid to party and get it in, dog. Suck it up. Minus 10.

EPISODE TOTAL: +39!

Jersey Shore ...

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Like Us On Facebook

More From The Hollywood Gossip

Justin-bieber-shirtless-selfie

27 Topless Stars on Instagram: Half Off Birthday Suits Here!

These 27 stars have posted topless on Instagram. There's something here for men AND women!
Jwoww-baby-photo

JWoww Debuts Baby Meilani: First Photos!

JWoww debuted the first pics of her new baby today. The former Jersey Shore star couldn't look happier about being a mom.
Jwoww-and-roger-matthews

JWoww Gives Birth to a Girl!

JWoww is a mother. The former Jersey Shore star just gave birth to a daughter.
Snooki-no-makeup-all-baby-bump

Snooki: Makeup Free for #MomLife!

Snooki is showing off her baby bump in this photo. She isn't wearing any makeup in it.

Avatar

Just straighten your hair, pull it up with that huge hump, and wear like a rlealy short bright dress. You might wanna wear lots of eyeliner (do a cat eye), and throw in an ed hardy hat. Just remember! Dress rlealy slutty (:

Avatar

Is it just me, or does Mike look like Squidword from Cartoon SpongeBob Squarepants. My friend says he looks like Popeye, though, so he's the last person to call a girl a grenade. I watch the show for the entertainment, I love how free Snooki is meaning she lives life doing wtf she wants. I too, feel Snooki is lying about hooking up with Mike, because she sends that guilty vibe and acts nervous when Mike and Jionno are in the same room. All you who have negative comments are haters, leave them alone, they are young, having fun AND getting paid while doing it! Who wouldn't go for a deal like that, including you? Mike is a mess starter, he should be the Snitchuation not the Situation.

Avatar

I always said Mike the Situation was gay.....even the way he talks, he sounds soooooo gay.....His friend the Unit is disgusting, just like him, and is probably his boyfriend.....I also agree with lots of people that Mike is starting to look really really old...His face is always bloated from drinking, and he totally looks in his late 40's......the show is a complete joke, and hopefully it won't last......that Deena is the ugliest looking chic in the entire universe....omg....gag me....she is sooooo disgusting looking, and the way she acts sickens me to no end............................

Avatar

jeesey shore is the best

Avatar

I say, instead of introducing more people into the show they should introduce an STD.

Avatar

CAN'T BELIEVE JERSY SHORE [MTV] IS SHOWING THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WITH MIKE AND HIS BUTT BUDDY, THE UNIT. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT. MIKE SEEMS SO OUT OF PLACE IN THE HOUSE. HE LOOKS LIKE HE IS MID- FORTIES WITH HIS BLOATED ALCOHOLIC FACE. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET YOUR RATINGS UP, SEND SOMEONE IN TO GIVE MIKIE THE ASS WHOOPING OF HIS LIFE!!! I WILL VOLUNTEER TO DO IT!!! THAT WOULD BE THE [M] T V EVENT OF THE YEAR!!!!

Avatar

*Jersey Shore* is getting to be OLD news. The *Situation* is looking too OLD to be playing this role, now. He better think of someething else, maybe SOAPS or commercials. *Snooki* seems to be looking very nice, and holding her own quite WELL.

Avatar

Snooks is lying, Mike is a kiss & tell punk-ass, Ryders gettn it in just like Angelina did except they don't mind, Vinny is faking the FUNK about being home sick, when he really is heartbroken about Snookie & Jionni, Deana looked dumb sittn on Paulys bed watchn the makeout session when some1 should have told her "if you can't beat em join em"... & Sam & Ron.....well who cares bcuz their gettn boring, & Jwoww needs to start pissin in public again bcuz she's playn that goody-2-shoes role for her Gorilla Roger too hard....that is why this is my fav show & I love all my krazii guido & guidette cast..*muahh*

Avatar

Snooks is lying, Mike is a kiss & tell punk-ass, Ryders gettn it in just like Angelina did except they don't mind, Vinny is faking the FUNK about being home sick, when he really is heartbroken about Snookie & Jionni, Deana looked dumb sittn on Paulys bed watchn the makeout session when some1 should have told her "if.you can't beat em join em"... & Sam & Ron.....well who cares bcuz their gettm boring

Avatar

'Jersey Shore' Starts With A Jersey Bore [FULL EPISODE] [VIDEO] http://bit.ly/zzbWOM #JWOWW #Snooki #Situation ..