Despite being back in the Garden State, and not even two hours away from his beloved family, and despite having reunited with them during last week's Jersey Shore Season 5 premiere, Vinny Guadagnino just could not snap out of his "funk."
We feel for Vin in a sense. Sure, he is a total mama's boy. But coming home after filming Season 4 in the mother land, the cast was given NO time off to decompress. Thrown immediately back into the cesspool that is Seaside, anyone might lose their mind.
Come along as we break down last night's Jersey Shore, THG style!
The Situation reunites with an old flame. Who is actually pretty good looking. We really thought Sitch only threw himself on land mines and grenades. And Snook, who may be hydrogen bomb material by the gang's metrics. Plus 10.
Snooki and Ryder get caught in the rain. They do not like it. We're impressed they can even feel such things with a BAC perpetually over .20. Plus 5.
Unlikeliest bromance ever: The Situation loans Jionni some dry clothes, and in return, Snooki's BF cooks him late-night breakfast. LOL. Plus 13.
“We share a girl, we can share underwear,” he says. Revolting. Minus 5.
Vinny opens up to his boss about his struggles with anxiety. Aww. Jersey Shore after school special anyone? Mental health issues are important! Plus 7.
Please, though, can we drop the pretense that Danny is an actual boss and working at the Shore Store is a real job? These are celebrities now. Minus 18.Pauly D burns his face after tanning too much. Yes folks, even Pauly D, the Grand Master of GTL, can overdo it when it comes to his craft. Minus 21.
During the MVP tanning sesh, Pauly also asked for Vinny’s name on his fingernails with a heart. Plus 4 because you know he's only half-joking.
Snooki admires her "Jionni" underwear. We have nightmares. Minus 37.
Deena makes the valid point about Snooki not showing her ass to everyone within a 10-square mile radius. Just be glad she wore underwear at all. Plus 5.
The roommates get ready for their first night back at Karma. That place can be a bitch, literally. It also feels like home to us after all these years. Plus 9.
“We’re going to go extra hard tonight,” JWoww warns. Was that in doubt? Plus 7.
Deena makes out with a man from her past. That could apply to approximately 2 million men nationally. Minus 6 because we feel the need to get tested.
Snooki irritates her boyfriend after partying too hard. What a shocker. Minus 10, because dude, Jionni. Let us level with you. You are dating EFFING SNOOKI!
Told it would take an hour to have a cab get his hook-up outta there, Pauly tells the dispatcher she's dying. Plus 9 for trying. So wrong, yet so right.
Pauly D's hook-up yoinks his chain after a night in the smush room. Plus 15 for Snooki admitting that if she were in that hook-up's shoes, she'd do it.
The hook-up later returns it. Plus 5 for doing what's right, and securing more screen time on MTV in the process. Win-win for thievery and coming clean!
Ronnie tries to comfort Vinny after an afternoon on the boardwalk. Plus 8 for Ron going all Dr. Phil on us lately, but we don't think it's gonna do the job.
Plus 11 for lack of Sam-Ron drama so far this season. Give it time ...
Vinny worries that he won't get "the rest he needs" in Seaside. Read: He can't handle the non-stop partying or his mom not coddling him. Minus 10.
In all seriousness, though, the guy is thrown off big time. Even Snooki begins to grasp the severity of Vinny's issues. Plus 12 for doing what he has to do.
No one wants him to leave. It's sweet. Good guy, that Vin. Plus 4.
Vinny and Pauly D share an emotional goodbye. Like any good bromance partner, Pauly was there to support his boy through and through. Plus 20.
And come on, he'll be back. Plus 20.
EPISODE TOTAL: +57! SEASON TOTAL: +96!