You knew there would be some drama this week on Jersey Shore.
After all, Vinny Guadagnino peaced out of the house and half the crew didn't even know yet, so the reality of their "soul" returning to Staten Island was yet to sink in.
There were also two birthdays and two fools celebrating Meatball Day, which should really become some sort of holiday from now on, at least at The Hollywood Gossip.
How did it all play out? Come along as we recap Jersey Shore, THG style!
Deena breaks down when she hears about Vinny. "He was like, my soul," she says. Really? Your soul? Do you even know what that is? We love Vin but Minus 7.
"I'm going to smash this tattoo chick in my man Vinny's bed tonight, in honor of him leaving the house." - Pauly D with one of the best Jersey Shore quotes to date. Plus 30.
"It is what it is, I'm used to it," says a mature Jenni, who HAS to be the one that implodes at some point, right? She's been way too stable of late. Still, Plus 15.
The Situation speaks Italian with Pauly D's girl. Impressive? Sleazy? Eh, Wash.
Vinny returns home to his family. His mom greets him not with joy and warmth, but by telling him to go to bed. Wasn't expecting the cameras, probably. Plus 5.
Isn't that why he came back, too? To be told what to do by his mom? Minus 5.
"Meatball Day" ends badly for Deena and Snooki. Plus 20, because with those two, it can't possibly end "well" in the conventional sense. They go hard. Respect.
Deena rips out her hair extensions. You mean she's not all-natural?! Minus 10.
The Situation checks out a new Shore Store customer. Plus 10 because at least it's not some grenade or land mine. But Minus 15 for lack of stealthiness.
Back to Meatball Day for a moment. If that means daytime boozing sans pants and "underwears" popping out, they could rename it Wednesday. Minus 18.
The roommates call to check on Vinny. Aww. Plus 8.
Ron wore skinny jeans in honor of Vinny. Ron! Plus 3.
The Situation continues to hook up with Paula, and proves that against all odds, he may be capable of sustaining a real relationship? Or something? Plus 9.
When Pauly D's girl says she just wants to talk, he calls her a cab. Yep, time to get 'er outta here. All that's missing is the grenade horn sounding. Plus 12.
That tool The Unit is in town! Fist-pump/head-slap! Wash.
Sitch wants to play "Gym, Tan, The Truth Will Set You Free." Minus 9 because not even fans care that much about it anymore, let alone his alleged pals.
Sammi bonds with Paula, who she actually seems to like, even though she is all grimy and such. Plus 7 for girls showing a little mutual respect!
Mike admits he could get "wifed up" to Paula. Plus 10 for the sentiment, but Minus 15 because that just means girlfriend in Situation/Guido-speak.
Paula's so DTF she lets Mike scrawl "DTF" on her butt in marker. "She's like AAA. You call her and she's there!" Wife dat up, Sitch, Wife it. Plus 20.
Bosnian Grilled Cheese is becoming a Stage 3 or 4 stalker! Minus 12.
Pauly D gets a birthday haircut. Scary, but the blowout emerged A-OK. Plus 6.
Surrounded by his friends and family, Pauly D blows out his candles. Plus 7 because who doesn't love Pauly D. Apparently no one, and for good reason. Solid dude.
The guys prank Sitch after he isolates himself during Pauly D's dinner. Writing DOUCHE on his face in permanent marker would've been better, but Plus 9 for effort.
Sammi and the girls bake a cake for Pauly D's birthday. Plus 8, as that is such a "family" thing to do. Mike has always referred to them as such, which is odd, since ...
Situation feels alone during his own birthday. Minus 19, Mike, because there is only one person to blame for that. Stop causing drama and 2012 will be different!
Seriously, what do you expect when you stir $h!t up with Snooki and Jionni as a present to yourself. It's like you want no friends. Mission accomplished! Minus 11.
"That's what you get for being a f--king douchebag." - Snooki. Yep. Plus 5.
EPISODE TOTAL: +8! SEASON TOTAL: +104!