The second, scripted season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York kicked off last night, and was impossible to take at face value, given the drama of the past few months.
Because of the overexposure of Kourtney and Kim Kardashian, and the demise of her marriage to Kris Humphries, every scene of this nonsense takes on new meaning.
That said, let's break down the season premiere, THG plus-minus style, as we run down the many signs that Kim's fake marriage was headed for a 72-day flame out:
Hilariously, the show kicks off with celebrity gossip magazine covers and TV reports discussing the end of their union, weeks before Kim actually left him. Plus 19.
"You're my wife now. It's going to take a lot to get rid of me." - Kris. LOL. Dude, these are shameless, overly made-up phonies do whatever the hell they want and it's all for ratings. You really think you matter to them? Could you not see this coming? Did you not Google your wife or read ANY celebrity news site? Minus 50.
Kim and Kris call each other "husband" and "wifey." AWWWW! Plus 5.
Living together? Not so cute. They had never done so before, and it shows, as Kim like things neater than Kris, who could really give a f--k. "When I see a messy room, it literally ruins my day," Kim says. Literally. Minus 28."I can't live with Kris," she says to her sister. "He's such a slob." Good thing she found out they were incompatible before they got married! Oh wait. Minus 31.
The producers set Kris up for a nervous breakdown, and while we feel bad for the guy, it's a lot of fun to watch at times. Like when he arrives home to find Kourtney doing nude yoga with a naked dude and a few other girls. Plus 30.
Kourt tries to fake apologize for the scripted setup. Why bother? Minus 4.
"I'm excited to be Mason's uncle." - Kris. Plus 5, because he was probably sincere, but once again, E! made him live with the kid, in an adjacent room no less.
"It's important to me that Kris bonds with Mason. He's going to be a really good dad someday." - Kim Kardashian. Read: Just not with my kids. Minus 12.
As Kim bitches about "career" obligations, Kris observes, “Baby, by the time you have kids, no one will probably care about you.” Plus 125, because that probably sealed the divorce right there. Don't ever call her irrelevant!
At a welcome to New York party thrown in Kim and Kris' honor, the latter obviously does not want to be there. Plus 8 for the fact that this makes Kris more human to us, but Minus 17, because what did he expect here?
"You care about that. I don't give a f--k." - Kris, re: everything. Plus 14.
We forgot Scott Disick is also on this show. What a douche. Minus 40.
Despite playing for the New Jersey Nets (he's now a free agent) last year, Kris does not really like New York! "It's hard getting adjusted," he says. "Everything in New York is screwing me up." Namely his INSANE new in-laws. Plus 10.
And then the bomb: "I love you so much," he tells Kim, before peacing out of NYC to train in his native Minnesota. Shades of things to come. Minus 15.
Kim notes, in a moment of reflection, as if she's trying to convince herself, that "I should definitely be supportive of my husband." Yes you should. And enter into marriage for the right reasons and actually work hard on it. Minus 75.
She appreciates that Kris supports her career, whatever that is. Minus 12.
Kris tucks her in bed like he did the first time E! told him to when they first started dating and tells Kim he is grateful to get the hell out loves her. Plus 7.
An online petition calling for E! to cancel this krap has more than 168,000 signers. After this hour, you can make it 168,001. Plus 13 for starting that.
EPISODE TOTAL: -59.