The Bachelorette Recap: Fear, Loathing and Fantasy Suite Cards in Fiji

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Last night's episode of The Bachelorette saw two men sent packing, with two remaining to vie for the final rose and a lifetime with Ashley Hebert.

We began the evening with only three dudes with Ms. Ashley in Fiji, but the surprise return of a former contestant shook things up once again.

The Bachelorette spoilers accurately predicted who came, and who left, but that didn't make it less compelling - or bizarre, at times - to watch.

The Woman in Command

From a picnic under a magnolia tree to a trip to the family restaurant, the guys pulled out all the stops to win over Ashley. But would it be enough?

Who's in? Who's out? Who's the favorite in next week's season finale?

Let's break down last night's overnight dates and all things Ashley, Constantine, J.P., Ben and ... find out in THG's official +/- Bachelorette recap:

The season finale is next week, but if Ashley bends over any further in that skirt, we may be seeing the final rose tonight. Good grief. Minus 6.

Before Ashley can even finish fake posing and contemplating the three dates to come ... there's a knock on the door? GASP! Plus 3 for acting.

It's Ryan. Minus 15 How can he just come back? Dude got dumped! At least Ed, Reid and even Bentley left somewhat of their own volition!

Plus 4, though, for the way Ryan walks around the island, alone, in what appears to be a drug-induced haze. He's a little like Ethan from Lost.

Ryan tells Ash to think about giving him another chance, then come see him. We hope his hotel has him in a room with padded walls. Minus 7.

Ben Flajnik is the first invited suitor to see Ashley, and proceeds to get to second base with her on a yacht almost immediately. Plus 10.

Ben cut his hair for some reason. It doesn't look good, but Minus only 1, 'cause he now stands out from switched-at-birth Greek God twin Constantine.

"My feelings grow ... I'm on my way to, you know, the whole ‘I love you' thing," Ben says, conveniently saving the true ILY for the finale. Plus 8.

Barack Obama Debt Speech

Speaking of holding back, Constantine clearly is from the start. He doesn't even seem interested in being there, at least with Ashley. Minus 6.

Plus 205 for the shot of Ryan looking skyward, alone and dejected, disheveled and possibly suicidal, as Ashley and Constantine fly by in a helicopter. The Bachelorette producers have now abandoned guys on icebergs and Fijian tidal flats.

Just as Constantine appears poised to pull out of the show before even getting the chance to pull out in the Fantasy Suite, he's cut off... by the President of the United States. Come on, Barack. At least wait until between dates. Minus 100.

Obama's explanation of the debt ceiling crisis was thorough and rational, but if the idea was to force House Republicans' hand, he failed miserably. Why call for a compromise that already failed? Minus 150 for the lack of bold leadership implied by a prime time address to the nation, and likely not advancing his goals.

John Boehner's tie really brings out his eyes. Plus 8.

Ashley pegs Constantine as a guy who takes his sweet time. The fact that he looked at 108 houses definitely paints him as a bit non-committal, but at the same time, NOT falling in love in 2-3 days is pretty normal. Wash.

Constantine says accepting an invite to the fantasy suite would be disrespectful because of "what it means and what it implies." Plus 10 for not leading her on, but Minus 12 for even going to Fiji in the first place then.

The Fantasy Suite cards are always signed by Chris Harrison. First name, last name. This host-pimp knows how to take care of his employees! Plus 70.

  • Ben Flajnik Picture
  • JP Rosenbaum Picture

Ashley says Ryan is, like, this amazing, great guy ... Plus 15 for the "BUT" and inevitable pink slip you knew was coming. Hey, free trip to Fiji at least.

"It'll happen one day," Ry says, regarding love ... four times. Minus 4.

Replaying the news that she just dispatched two guys, Ashley made J.P. Rosenbaum as happy as she could without stripping naked right there. Plus 9.

Seriously, they make out and grope each other a lot. Plus 5.

J.P. on the suite: "Uh, yeah, I think I'm into that," having said before telling the camera, "I want Ashley to be my wife." He may get that chance. Plus 11.

Minus 7 for the cargo jorts, though, and for Ashley's mankini bottom, and Minus 10 more for that cutoff Navajo rug she wore as a top earlier.

TOTAL: +38. SEASON TOTAL: +262.

ROSES: Ben Flajnik, J.P. Rosenbaum. OUT: Constantine Tzortzis, Ryan Park.

Who should Ashley choose among her final two? Vote:

 

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Ashley has been the most god awfule bachlorette and she is a complete idiot for choosing JP. I'll give it three months tops. Big mistake, huge!!

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Barack and Michelle Obama Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States of America. He became a Democratic U.S. Senator from Illinois in 2004, and has... More »
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