Birthdays abound on this week's Real Housewives of New York. Whose party was the hottest? Whose was a train wreck and who wore the shortest skirt? Read on as we analyze all things Housewives in our +/- review!
How many birthday parties can they fit into one episode of Housewives? Three must be a new record and I'll offer up a Plus 5 for giving equal time to them all.
Jill is up first as Luann throws her a surprise birthday party at Chez Josephine. Luann says the venue is red and outgoing and reminds her of Jill Zarin. Ramona finds it claustrophobic and cramped. I simply think the entire party was a train wreck.
First we have the cheesy magician who will seemingly try anything to get on camera. Minus 3. Then what the hell is Simon wearing? I'll give him a Plus 5 for never ceasing to amaze me (or is it scare me) with his wardrobe choices.
Ramona is downright frightening as she dons a red wig and starts screeching "Bobby, I want bigger diamonds." If her goal isn't to insult Jill, I'm lost as what it is. Minus 7 for embarrassing herself and the birthday girl.
Can someone please tell Luann that she can't sing? Her performance and Vegas showgirl / drag queen impersonation is a pathetic attempt to be the center of attention. Minus 10 for not knowing when to sit back and play the good host, quietly.
From there we move on to the Sweet Sixteen parties, minus the sweet.Luann claims Victoria wants something simple. In a place called the Arena? Where would they have gone for something elaborate? Actually, don't tell me. I don't think I want to know.
The party doesn't bother me as much as the dress shopping. The Paris Hilton number is simply ludicrous for a sixteen year old. In the end, Victoria's dress is low cut in the front and quite short. I thought Luann was insisting upon more fabric on that skirt. It's a different dress but it looks shorter at the party than the one she wore at the store.
And then Luann leaves the party. I'm sorry but Minus 10. You are hosting a party for over 100 sixteen year olds. Call me old fashioned but as the parent and host, you should be there to chaperone. That may not make you the cool parent but it will make you the responsible one.
At least Luann remembers that the ice luge needs to be set up for mocktails and not actual cocktails. That gets a Plus 7, even though any club owner who wants to keep his liquor license would have called that one.
On the other side of town we have Avery's party where Ramona thinks that having a loft space turned into a club like environment sets a better example than having the party at an actual club. Here's a thought. How about we keep the alcohol out of the party all together? Unfortunately Ramona can't attend a party, even her sixteen year old's without plenty of Pinot on hand. What kind of message is that sending? Minus another 10 for mixed messages.
Other oddities of the night include Jill's liquid face lift. Oh my God! I can't even look at all of those needles. Jill earned a Plus 3 for enduring the pain for an extra six months of beauty. Honestly though, I think I would have preferred the needles to having to attend Jill's awful birthday party.
And does Simon get creepier every episode? First some quack of a hypnotist chants "You are a non smoker" and Simon claims he can no longer stand the taste of nicotine on his teeth. I'm not buying it but I'd love to know how much they paid this guy.
Then Bobby confronts Simon about some hateful blog entries. Plus 5 to Bobby for confronting him face to face. Simon denies everything but if he hasn't done anything why does he need to talk to Jill?
I'm afraid we'll have to tune in next week if we want that answer.
EPISODE TOTAL: -15! SEASON TOTAL: +17!
Check back next week because the mere thought of a sit down with Simon makes me cringe. Maybe Jill will turn him down. We'll have to tune in to find out.