The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Sixteen, Minus the Sweet

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Birthdays abound on this week's Real Housewives of New York. Whose party was the hottest? Whose was a train wreck and who wore the shortest skirt? Read on as we analyze all things Housewives in our +/- review!

How many birthday parties can they fit into one episode of Housewives? Three must be a new record and I'll offer up a Plus 5 for giving equal time to them all.

Jill is up first as Luann throws her a surprise birthday party at Chez Josephine. Luann says the venue is red and outgoing and reminds her of Jill Zarin. Ramona finds it claustrophobic and cramped. I simply think the entire party was a train wreck. 

Sweet 16 Stizzyle

First we have the cheesy magician who will seemingly try anything to get on camera. Minus 3. Then what the hell is Simon wearing? I'll give him a Plus 5 for never ceasing to amaze me (or is it scare me) with his wardrobe choices. 

Ramona is downright frightening as she dons a red wig and starts screeching "Bobby, I want bigger diamonds." If her goal isn't to insult Jill, I'm lost as what it is. Minus 7 for embarrassing herself and the birthday girl.

Can someone please tell Luann that she can't sing? Her performance and Vegas showgirl / drag queen impersonation is a pathetic attempt to be the center of attention. Minus 10 for not knowing when to sit back and play the good host, quietly.

From there we move on to the Sweet Sixteen parties, minus the sweet. 

Luann claims Victoria wants something simple. In a place called the Arena? Where would they have gone for something elaborate? Actually, don't tell me. I don't think I want to know.
Ramona You Lush

The party doesn't bother me as much as the dress shopping. The Paris Hilton number is simply ludicrous for a sixteen year old. In the end, Victoria's dress is low cut in the front and quite short. I thought Luann was insisting upon more fabric on that skirt. It's a different dress but it looks shorter at the party than the one she wore at the store.

And then Luann leaves the party. I'm sorry but Minus 10. You are hosting a party for over 100 sixteen year olds. Call me old fashioned but as the parent and host, you should be there to chaperone. That may not make you the cool parent but it will make you the responsible one.

At least Luann remembers that the ice luge needs to be set up for mocktails and not actual cocktails. That gets a Plus 7, even though any club owner who wants to keep his liquor license would have called that one.

On the other side of town we have Avery's party where Ramona thinks that having a loft space turned into a club like environment sets a better example than having the party at an actual club. Here's a thought. How about we keep the alcohol out of the party all together? Unfortunately Ramona can't attend a party, even her sixteen year old's without plenty of Pinot on hand. What kind of message is that sending? Minus another 10 for mixed messages.

Other oddities of the night include Jill's liquid face lift. Oh my God! I can't even look at all of those needles. Jill earned a Plus 3 for enduring the pain for an extra six months of beauty. Honestly though, I think I would have preferred the needles to having to attend Jill's awful birthday party.

You Are a Non-Smoker

And does Simon get creepier every episode? First some quack of a hypnotist chants "You are a non smoker" and Simon claims he can no longer stand the taste of nicotine on his teeth. I'm not buying it but I'd love to know how much they paid this guy.

Then Bobby confronts Simon about some hateful blog entries. Plus 5 to Bobby for confronting him face to face. Simon denies everything but if he hasn't done anything why does he need to talk to Jill?

I'm afraid we'll have to tune in next week if we want that answer.

EPISODE TOTAL: -15! SEASON TOTAL: +17!

Check back next week because the mere thought of a sit down with Simon makes me cringe. Maybe Jill will turn him down. We'll have to tune in to find out.

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Who doesnt love the NY Housewives? Don't care for Cindy. Shes so manly and thin skined. Luanne, I believe thought Zaulk would propose at the party 1 yr anv, but he did'nt. Would love to meet the girls and actually become one of the Housewives. I don't have the cash but I do have loads of personality and could really spice things up. I'm there age although they all look great with all the pampering they recieve. Pick me for the New NY housewive,. My bags are packed and I'm ready to travel!!!

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I enjoyed it very much!! Luann it appears to me that you had alot of fun with singing and the making of the video:) I can imagine it is alot of hard work, and i hope your children can see that you have a passion for this and that their support of you is so very important to you:) GOD Bless you your wonderful family and to the amazing people that helped you put together a fun and enjoyable video and the song keeps my feet tapping and I smile at your friends Jill and Kelly, that is what friends are for:) Take good care and I hope that your friends and family continue to support your decisions in what helps you be true to yourself:) Always with affection, Mrs Linda Fresquez

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Oh yeah, fuabouls stuff there you!

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I must agree with what Kelly said tho, about Ramona making it NOT a Sweet 16 party for Ramona's daugther but a party for both adults and kids....for there was old wine guzzling Ramona mixing with the kids. I don't know why it couldn't be a party just for the kids. Why did crazy eyes have to be there with her wine acting so nutso? Kay Conte was right, it was like watching a train wreck...the whole show was.

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Gosh, Luann never stops anoying me. When she was singing at the party I had to look away from the television set. The only other person so cheesy and annoying as her is Jacque I think hhahaha. Thumbs up to Alex for mentioning that she doesnt want to be a nagging wife, and she is really good at that ..i like that about her. Ok, Simon is weird ..but whatever at least he is not a mean and self-important human being like Luann, eh..

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ramona's daughter was down right disrespectful, i am disappointed in ramona stilll throwing her a party with an an attitude like that. on the other hand the "countesses" daughter was really rather sweet. luanne is a bit stiff, the daughter was genuinely sweet and affectionate.
kelly on the mic? sorry it's about me me me me sorry sorry sorry....ugh.
jill, aged "mean girl"....still.
i like the blonde lady with the money problems, she strikes me as fun. i think all of her grandiosity is covering over a lot of sadness, we still have not see who she really is yet, she is delicate and divorcing.
alex? seeing alex people-please is painful, cindy has a case of that too....two words...STOP IT.

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This show gets more boring every week. But Luann did look like a drag queen. Too funny. The egos are huge but the talent and class are missing.

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I ADORE Bobby Zarin! He is his wife's biggest fan. I love that he loves her ! The good bad or wonderful he is supportive! Who wouldn't want a husband that loves and supports you weather you're right or wrong? I would. It's great to see !
Simon is weird and a housewife wanna be.
Sonja is fake and I've said that from the start. People who really have money don't have to brag constantly try to convince everyone they do. U know? Sad really!
Ramona needs meds to reminds me of the Tasmanian devil! Where I live a mouth like hers would of already been stomped! LuAnn may have an ego but u have to say she is true to who is! And I like that. Knowing yourself is a big win! Cindy & Kelly??? Alex please shut her up!

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Watching this show is like watching a train wreck. I am now turning it off. When we get to the you said I said's I think I must have missed the whole show. The best thing that ever happened to that show was Bethanney and thank heavens she has her own show...so down to earth and a delightful, caring family. .