The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Mean Girls vs. Semi-Working Moms

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With each episode of The Real Housewives Of Miami, we find ourselves loathing the six self-important women more. And yet we meet again to recap last night's devilry.

Are these floozies growing on us? Are we starting to dislike some more than others?

Could Lea have covered the Texas twins up a bit more? Come, weary readers. Let us support one another as we try to make sense of Andy Cohen's latest masterpiece.

First off, it's essential that we touch upon Marysol's weekly intro. The camera captures her. She turns. She looks. She brings her finger to her cheek and... there you have it. The (temporary) face of a winner.

We're starting to see alliances form between cast members. It looks like Adriana and Alexia are finding common ground because they both need people to recognize that they can be both socialites and semi-working women.

Latina Lohan (Christy) and Larsa don't have that problem because they don't get the concept of maternal guilt. You can't wear a postage stamp while running after your own kids, riiiiight? Neglect is key to looking as slorish as Larsa and Christy do.

So it's divided into two teams: The mean girls (Christy and Larsa) and the women who think they're busier than they really are (Adriana and Alexia). Scenario: You're dining a la crock pot, when your child calls for a ride home from school.

If you're Adriana, you first beg your gentleman caller to go instead because you need to sleep off that mojito buzz from lunch. If the husband gives you lip, you can either pout and beg him to pick up your son, or you can do as the mean girls do and say "Girrrrrrrrrrrrl, you better lock him up for the rest of the week."

Keep saying "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl."

Afterwards, invite your teammate over to rehash the details of that awkward lunch, as Alexia did with Adriana. We could hire drivers, they say to themselves. But no! We have something to prove to everyone else, so we're going to put on our best faces and pretend to be involved mothers. It's hard balancing a job you don't really go to with spending a few hours parenting your child. So hard! Time for a drink!

Last week, Larsa told us she does it all: cooks, cleans, rears the children.

This week, the truth set her free and we learned that Larsa does employ help. Damn it, the help is dumb. Can't a girl take herself out to lunch five days a week without having to worry if the nanny can clean the bunny cage? What are we paying her for?

And who does the nanny expect wiill pack the kids' bags for Disney World? Their mom? Get out of town. Larsa's a cool mom. She's not one of those moms who yells at her kids for not finishing their homework or cleaning their room. That's for moms who wear dowdy mu-mus. This cool mom wears short shorts that make her son blush.

I caught a "social economic" coming out of Alexia's mouth at one point. She's the executive editor of a high-end (local) magazine, hmm? Is she sleeping with the owner? Oh, wait...

Lea is putting together a gala to keep the kids out of jail. Everyone's invited: Gloria Estefan, Natalie Cole, Kim Zolciak, Joe Francis - why do people want to be friends with Joe Francis? People are going all out for this particular gala, because it keeps the kids out of jail! Marysol is wrapping her hair with a bike lock, Lea bought a $500 ticket for her boobs. 

The only freeloader in sight is Christy, and I cannot WAIT for that invoice to come in. That'll be $1500, Lohan. $500 for you, and $500 for the minions you corralled into co-crashing this gala to keep kids out of jail.

Two more things: Fredric needs to wash his hair, and I can't look Elsa Patton directly in the face.

What did you think of The Real Housewives of Miami last night? Discuss!

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Housewives of Miami is a lesson for all mere mortals here on planet earth, what too much money and plastic surgery will do!!Thank god I'm broke!!

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Who can look at Marysol's mother without flinching? That Dr. should be sued for such a frightening result!!

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I'm glad last night was it's last night, and Scottie you sure could do much better, also what is wrong with Marysol' mom??

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I don;t know if I could consider any of these hwives hot besides Adriana -- and you can see the jealousy on those other womens' faces because they know they had to buy their looks but I think she just might (shock of all shocks) be natural!

Keith-watkins

Its by far the realest housewives so far, i could watch 100 epsiodes of this, lea black obviously the queen bee with her side kick adrianna very impressive she speaks 5 language, marisol and her mom real people doing the mother daughter thing, larsa party girl, chrissty awesome mom, lucky son and husband, nj housewives was funny because of the drama, and pretty houswives and interesting stories, NY sucked, ugly housewives boring and uninteresting stories, would not want to watch 20 episodes, needs to be revamped totally new cast for NYC, Houswives of DC was Ok would re watch some epeisodes, not all, Housewives of beverly hills, too fake, too pretentious, only interesting story was with fredric and that whole social dynamic, the over possesive sister who kind of had a break down would watch some episodes again, Real ghousewives of atalnta was ok not really my cup of tea

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This is a horrible show. The worse Housewives show yet.

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I had high hopes for this housewives show but wow what a downer! these woman have more issues than us commonfolk!! Larsa or whatever her name is she is so plain and boring i can't even remember her name.. she is not all that her hairstyle reminds me of when i was in high school 15 years ago!!! seriously BORING and the way she talks about her "hired" help i wonder if she hadn't married Pipen where she would be working?? the rest of them are just annoying this is one show i won't watch again!!

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I still don't understand why Larsa needs a nanny. She is always bragging about being a good judge of character. Ok, then why do you always seem to be a bad judge of nannies. Maybe its not the nannies Larsa. Wow, did you ever think that it is you. But hey, if you have the money to pay someone to watch your children so you can go hang out and drink.

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WTF is up the the face?

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I just wanted to say that Larsa and Christy need to get over themselves.They can't even see that if it weren't for the men they are and were married to no one would be interested in them at all. Larsa made the statement that she's perfect so her help needs to be perfect. The way I see it if she's perfect then she shouldn't need help from anyone, she should be able to do it all.She should be able to take care of her kids and her home without any help because she doesn't do anything else of any importance. I feel like when you have kids you should be the one to take care of them instead of putting it off on nannies. Her and Christy both were women enough to have 3 and for kids but aren't women enough do do right and actually raise them