Let there be no doubt: Charlie Sheen is winning.
At life? Not exactly. But at dominating news coverage and controlling his message, as misguided and nonsensical at it may be? Definitely. Below, first in video form and then in print, we've posted the troubled actor's best quotes from a week of interviews, rants, raves and restraining orders...
I blinked and I cured my brain. Can't is the cancer of happen. | permalink
Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it, dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers. | permalink
I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. It's too much. | permalink
I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what? If I'm bipolar, aren't there moments where a guy like crashes in the corner like, 'Oh my God, it's all my mom's fault!' Shut up! Shut up! Stop! Move forward. | permalink
Defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock. | permalink
I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars. People can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain. | permalink
I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground. | permalink
You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm. When you've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it's like, get with the program dude. | permalink
It's the greatest trip because they save it for last. It sucks that I have to do it, too. | permalink
It's exciting, it's fun, because you already know what you're getting before you meet them. They're the best at what they do, I'm the best at what I do. It's on. | permalink
I'm proud of what I created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they're never going to see in their boring normal lives. | permalink
All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master. | permalink