Jersey Shore Recap: Why is the Ocean Salty?!

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Snooki met a new juicehead, Pauly D made amends with his stalker, Ronnie bled out of a major orifice and broke up with Sam, again, on last night's Jersey Shore.

Perhaps most notable, though, was Snooki's marine biology expertise. Thanks to Nicole Polizzi, we now know why the ocean is salty. Nasty whale sperm, obvi.

This and many other memorable Jersey Shore quotes and scenes from last night are broken down by THG, as always, in our trademark +/- recap below:

Special Exam

SPECIAL EXAM: This is what it's like for viewers watching Sammi onscreen.

Things are good in the Jersey Shore house. It's just the calm before the storm, but there's actually no drama or active feud as the episode commences! Plus 8.

But, as Ronnie put it after a night of drinking ended with him puking like a madman as usual, it's always "one step forward and two step backs." Minus 5.

We've seen people on Jersey Shore getting probed a lot, but never like this. Plus 4.

Despite assurances that "I've dranken a lot more than I drank tonight," Ron's arse swells to the point that we're treated to the haunting visual above. Minus 11.

Snooki fell asleep with the dogs. A more apt scenario may never transpire. Plus 7.

Deena: "It's not Halloween. I'm not handing out candy for free. You need a golden ticket to get in these drawers." They give those out for free, though. Minus 7.

The girls try on outfits at the sex shop. JWoww looks right at home. Plus 5.

Snooki's exercise regimen: Masturbating all day. Snooki. Gross. Minus 3.

The Situation sums up Sammi perfectly as such: "We're waiting for Sam, who's straightening her hair... whose hair is already straight! Come on man! The only thing that needs to be straightened out is her brain." Plus 17.

Snooki and Jeff Miranda Picture

NEW JUICEHEAD: Jeff Miranda woos Snooki hard.

We are finally introduced to douchebag Jeff Miranda, who briefly dated and tried to use Snooki for approximately 15 minutes last summer. Minus 9.

Fortunately, even Snooki's alcohol-ransacked brain picked up on some warning signs, namely the fact that he may or may not be engaged. Plus 7.

Ronnie to Sammi: "Bitch, I cook you breakfast every morning when I get up and you don't do (bleep) for me." Minus 4. Ronnie to MTV cameras: "What don't I do for Sam, except wipe her ass and for her and breathe for her?" Minus 14.

"Hell has to be just like this." - Vin. Or heaven? A fine line, indeed. Plus 3.

"We have no shame when we talk about sex." - Snooki. Or anything. Minus 5.

Snooki reveals that she hates the ocean, then encourages us to Google why it's so salty, then - spoiler alert - reveals it's all the whale sperm. Plus 10.

Pauly D Smiles

ALL SMILES: Does Pauly D ever NOT look like this?!

Sam to Ron: "You wanna just break up?" "That's your answer to every problem," Ronnie tells her. "Whatever, dude." Breakup #190 commences ... Plus 8.

Ron to Sam: "I'm the reason you're still here. I'm the reason you got through Miami." LOLOLOL ... and wanted to leave Miami and kill herself. Minus 5.

Danielle the Stalker was back, but this time Pauly called a truce and brought her back to the house. To be mocked, sure, but still, a truce is a truce. Plus 9.

Pauly busts out the "I Love Jewish Girls" shirt. Funny, but scripted. Minus 5.

Deena: "Face down, ass up. That's the way I have a good time." At least she's come to grips with this and embraced it for the amusement of all. Plus 7.

Sammi just wants "Closure, bro." She's worse than a rectal exam. Minus 6.

TOTAL: +9. SEASON TOTAL: +152.

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Wow, that's one long sentence. Yes they are a terrible, bitter, unhealthy couple. I think we all can agree.

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think that ronnie and sammi's relationship needs to just end for good because they do always argue and fight and it is not healthy in a relationship it is best to work out a situation by always talking things out and they did not do that instead they argued and it is not good so i think sammi and ronnie should go their seprete ways .

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Great review as always here!

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haha These are hilarious animated images from Jersey Shore's episode 5! The punch to the face is priceless: http://bit.ly/g7e0JO

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Ronnie and Sammi need to stop the insanity. This is getting ridiculous.

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