Jersey Shore Season 3 Premiere Recap: Comin' at You Like a Squirrel Monkey!

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"I'm just so excited to get back into my house, pop some bottles and hook up with my roommates." - Snooki

With those words, a new season of MTV's guiltiest, most unsanitary pleasure is upon us. We are back in Seaside Heights, N.J., and it feels like we never left.

As always, THG breaks down all the best Jersey Shore quotes and scenes from last night's installment of the "reality" show in its patented +/- recap below:

Ooooooooga

We know, Sitch. We totally know.

Plus 50 for Deena Nicole Cortese's first 15 minutes at the house, shown above.

Why bother pretending these are normal people, though? Minus 9 for Snook briefing Deena on the roommates, like she hasn't seen every freaking episode.

Sammi on Deena: "I thought she was gonna be hot. I'm all taken aback." Girl, she's friends with Snooki. No offense, but come on. Minus 3 for cluelessness.

JWoww shares a tense goodbye with boyfriend Tom. Bet the lawsuit over those JWoww nude photos only made things more awkward months later. Minus 7.

Snooki is pissed to see Vinny and Deena flirting. Especially after he boned Ryder last season. Hey, the human vibrator's gonna do who it's gonna do. Plus 4.

The boys make fun of Vinny for bringing a shower caddy. Deservedly. Minus 5.

Flip Cup Action

A nice guy-girl flip cup showdown to start off the night.

These idiots get paid tens of thousands of dollars to play flip cup. Plus 9.

Stunningly, Ronnie and Sammi choose to isolate themselves in their bedroom. Even more shockingly, she actually brings up THE NOTE again. Minus 27.

Sammi on Deena: "A walking holiday? What does that mean? Are you gonna give out candy? Like I don't get it." Of course not, joyless b!tch. Minus 6.

Vinny to Snooki, in a moving, heartfelt hot tub confessional: "I want to hook up with you but I can't ... I don't want to hurt you because I care about you too much." JWoww to Vin: "Stick it in one of the jet holes and go to bed." Plus 8.

Sammi Sweetheart Pic

Save it, Sammi. Nice dress, though ...

Sammi Sweetheart gives one a new appreciation for the remote's MUTE button. Minus 14. Talk about raw pain. She and Ron totally deserve one another.

Quote of the night from the great Snooki: "Even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a sh!t ... I will f*%kin' attack you like a squirrel monkey." Plus 9.

Tensions boil over. Deena starts laying into Sammi, who mocks her as they both start waving their arms around like banshees and IT IS ON! Plus 16.

As usual, Pauly D and The Situation watch the girls' fight from the sidelines. Plus 5, because that's as good as entertainment gets, and it's all FREE!

TOTAL: +30. 

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SAMMI IS A UGLY FAT BITCH.
SHE IS SO FUCKING DESPERATE AND UGLY. I HOPE RONNIE DUMPS HER AND THE ROOM MATES BEAT THE CRAAAAP OUTTA HER.

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Sammi really needs some help. She's pretty much a psycho and probably depressed. She can forgive Ronnie, the biggest douche bag EVER but not Jenni & Snookie for being good friends? Even if they lied about it - they were the only ones who let Sammi know. But I feel sorry for her because of all the shit that Ronnie does to her. He's a REALLY good liar and she's a gullible dumb ass bitch. I hope Jenni beats her ass. Oh yeah and Sammi really is ugly, fat and UGLY. Ronnie should dump her. And she should stop running back to him like the desperate little shit that she is.

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Jwoww, Deena & Snooki are all fucking hoes. All 3 of them are attention whores. They are alwys looking for drama or getting into other people's business. All 3 are cunts. Deena is going to ruin the show, well she basically already has because for one she's ugly as fuck & for two she is fucking annoying, already ! GO SAMMI ! i am team Sammi all the way (:

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if Ronny was yelling @ me I would say take a chill pill and talk to me when your not having a roid rage. It was between sammi and Deena. New flash that is not your house Ronnie MTV put some one new in the house so its there house! Then SAM asked Ron do you think snooki fake!! Ron puts his head down and said yes like a pussy!!! as for SAM she gives girls a bad name she just looks stupid and she knows it and that's why she is acting stupid

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I don't giva fuck what any of you say but sammi may be a bitch but so is jenni Snooki and deena but sammi does deserve Ronnie or at least a good man she goes thro alot of shit an she needs someone who will b there for her and he only one that has done that for her was fuckin ronnie and everybody says y is it all oh poor sammi well for one dumbass bitch because nothin bad has happened to the others where sammi would cry her eyes out nobody gave a fuck bout her there all fake bitches and sammi needed Ronnie and thts y we feel bad for Sam asswholes bc nothin happened to the others I no I'm right so don't bother to judge what I KNOW so jus fuck off bc I know I'm RIGHT

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Isn't it HILARIOUS that on one hand, Sammi can't forgive Snooki & Jwow for not telling her about Ron face-to-face, but on the other hand, she's STILL WITH THE SCUMBAG!?!?! WTF! HOW COME SHE COULD FORGIVE HIM FOR GIVING HER STD'S BUT YET SHE CAN'T GET OVER THE FACT THAT THE GIRLS WROTE HER A LETTER & LIED ABOUT IT. This girl is truly BIPOLAR or something! SHE SERIOUSLY GETS OFF ON BEING DEPRESSED. Why did she bother coming back to the shore? She spent the whole first day in bed (AS USUAL!) WOW RON, YOU'RE IN FOR A REAL EXCITING SUMMER!! YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND ALL YOUR TIME LAYING IN BED, TALKING TO HER & TRYING TO CHEER HER UP. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR & DITCH HER NOW BEFORE SHE RUINS YOUR WHOLE VACATION!!!!! I HATE THIS GIRL & HER WHINY VOICE. I HOPE RON CHEATS ON HER AGAIN & I HOPE JWOW BEATS HER ASS AGAIN LIKE SHE DID IN MIAMI. AND THIS TIME I WISH THE GUYS WOULD LET HER DO IT!!!!

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i love sammy. she is a big bitch, & doesn't give a fuck. who cares if she doesn't like the girls in the house. i wouldn't like 'em either. they're all fake. sammy is like the only REAL girl in that house. & if she doesn't wanna associate with FAKE bitches she doesn't have to.

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Sammy is a man in a dress---that stumpy bastard

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have sammi's boobs gotten bigger?

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sammi and ron definately need some help, otherwise someone is going to get seriously hurt. sammi reacts over small stuff, she can fix that, and needs to, as it keeps causing dramaz. maybe it is the stress of the show

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