The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Tardy for the Awful Party

The Real Housewives of Atlanta returned last night with new cast members and one of the funniest, most ridiculous song performances you'll ever see.

As part of her initiation, we've forced a THG intern to cover the show in depth, as she goes over every nauseating detail of the episode below...

The producers should just have titled last night's installment ALL ABOUT KIM!  We saw Kim packing her many, many Louis Vuitton valises full of her many, many stripper heels and a few dozen of her ratty wigs.  We saw her driving in her rented bright yellow Lamborghini through the Palm Springs desert, with her assistant Sweetie, swerving through traffic like a deranged Barbie. 

Did you know the desert windmills produce all the snow on the mountaintops in California?  Me neither.  But apparently Sweetie thinks so. We see Kim prepping for her big gay stage debut at the White Party, choosing tutus and dust-rag dresses that wouldn't fit a 10-year-old much, less a 44 DDDD Amazon.

We see Kim fawning over the multitude of beautiful, buff go-go boys like a deranged madame choosing her wares for the season, as opposed to paying attention to her act.  Kandi then accuses Kim of not taking being a singer seriously.  Duh. Kim wants to come back as a gay man.  Sign her up!

Kandi has been dragged along for support but apparently she's really there to be Kim's backup singer.  This doesn't exactly sit well with Kandi but what the hell... she gets steamrolled by Kim and her ginormous silicon globes and ends up on stage pretty much taking over the show.  Kim has about as much stage presence as a cardboard cutout reject at a Comic Con convention.  Her "stage rehearsal" looks like an ADD PSA gone bad.

Oh, and the other housewives?

We learn that Nene got a Yorkshire Terrier named "Player" (pronounced "Play-a") and she's a good mom to her 11-year-old son, Brent.

Dwight visits Sheree with his publicist (?!?) and basically tells her that the $30,000 he put into her fashion show last season was spent at Kinko's!  Um... what? And, once again as Sheree points out, he should have spent that $30K in getting his nose fixed.  Agreed.  Poor guy looks so pinched I'm amazed he hasn't dropped dead from lack of oxygen.

Sheree dismisses Dwight with a "buh-bye."  She has too much class for this nonsense.  We also learn that Sheree has a 24-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER!  The result of a teen pregnancy.  But Dawn better not plan on having any children any time soon.  Sheree is not about to be a nana.

Cynthia Bailey, the supermodel, whines to her sister about her fear of commitment and not really wanting to marry 50-year-old Peter (again).

Phaedra "High Class" Parks reminds us she's a lawyer (again). She and her husband Apollo, the "racketeering, half-white, ex-con" (her words) meet with her "relationship mentors" and we learn that 1) Phaedra likes gifts; 2) Apollo needs to talk to Phaedra's staff to tell him what she likes; and 3) their kids WILL get ass-whuppins because she is not raising her children to be disrespectful the way Apollo is (which Phaedra feels is a result of Apollo being half-white). 

We also learn that Phaedra is a food connoisseur, as opposed to Apollo who likes "canned food" (once again due to the fact that he was raised half-white).  Bring on the spam!

And finally we see Kim's big stage number.  With her two big hams wedged into a shelf of a dress (which she was literally strapped and sewn into seconds before going on stage), Kim wedges herself into a 12-foot high martini glass while her go-go boys writhe around her.  Watching her move around the stage, it's clear: a geriatric memaw would have had better presence.  Kandi finally saves the day, providing backup vocals and egging the hysterical crowd.  Busby Berkeley shed tears at the spectacle of this stage number.

Tardy for the party indeed!