The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Tardy for the Awful Party

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta returned last night with new cast members and one of the funniest, most ridiculous song performances you'll ever see.

As part of her initiation, we've forced a THG intern to cover the show in depth, as she goes over every nauseating detail of the episode below...

The producers should just have titled last night's installment ALL ABOUT KIM!  We saw Kim packing her many, many Louis Vuitton valises full of her many, many stripper heels and a few dozen of her ratty wigs.  We saw her driving in her rented bright yellow Lamborghini through the Palm Springs desert, with her assistant Sweetie, swerving through traffic like a deranged Barbie. 

Worst Performance Ever

Did you know the desert windmills produce all the snow on the mountaintops in California?  Me neither.  But apparently Sweetie thinks so. We see Kim prepping for her big gay stage debut at the White Party, choosing tutus and dust-rag dresses that wouldn't fit a 10-year-old much, less a 44 DDDD Amazon.

We see Kim fawning over the multitude of beautiful, buff go-go boys like a deranged madame choosing her wares for the season, as opposed to paying attention to her act.  Kandi then accuses Kim of not taking being a singer seriously.  Duh. Kim wants to come back as a gay man.  Sign her up!

Kandi has been dragged along for support but apparently she's really there to be Kim's backup singer.  This doesn't exactly sit well with Kandi but what the hell... she gets steamrolled by Kim and her ginormous silicon globes and ends up on stage pretty much taking over the show.  Kim has about as much stage presence as a cardboard cutout reject at a Comic Con convention.  Her "stage rehearsal" looks like an ADD PSA gone bad.

Oh, and the other housewives?

We learn that Nene got a Yorkshire Terrier named "Player" (pronounced "Play-a") and she's a good mom to her 11-year-old son, Brent.

Dwight visits Sheree with his publicist (?!?) and basically tells her that the $30,000 he put into her fashion show last season was spent at Kinko's!  Um... what? And, once again as Sheree points out, he should have spent that $30K in getting his nose fixed.  Agreed.  Poor guy looks so pinched I'm amazed he hasn't dropped dead from lack of oxygen.

Sheree dismisses Dwight with a "buh-bye."  She has too much class for this nonsense.  We also learn that Sheree has a 24-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER!  The result of a teen pregnancy.  But Dawn better not plan on having any children any time soon.  Sheree is not about to be a nana.

Cynthia Bailey, the supermodel, whines to her sister about her fear of commitment and not really wanting to marry 50-year-old Peter (again).

Phaedra "High Class" Parks reminds us she's a lawyer (again). She and her husband Apollo, the "racketeering, half-white, ex-con" (her words) meet with her "relationship mentors" and we learn that 1) Phaedra likes gifts; 2) Apollo needs to talk to Phaedra's staff to tell him what she likes; and 3) their kids WILL get ass-whuppins because she is not raising her children to be disrespectful the way Apollo is (which Phaedra feels is a result of Apollo being half-white). 

We also learn that Phaedra is a food connoisseur, as opposed to Apollo who likes "canned food" (once again due to the fact that he was raised half-white).  Bring on the spam!

And finally we see Kim's big stage number.  With her two big hams wedged into a shelf of a dress (which she was literally strapped and sewn into seconds before going on stage), Kim wedges herself into a 12-foot high martini glass while her go-go boys writhe around her.  Watching her move around the stage, it's clear: a geriatric memaw would have had better presence.  Kandi finally saves the day, providing backup vocals and egging the hysterical crowd.  Busby Berkeley shed tears at the spectacle of this stage number.

Tardy for the party indeed!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Cast
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Phaedra makes Kim look like she has some sense and that's stretching it. LaLa @ 11:45 got it right! Yelling that you have class is a certain indicator that you don't. If Phaedra dropped the Tammy Faye makeup, the pretenses, and the clear insecurities, her game would elevate 1000%. The husband-felon...okay so maybe he is one of the few who just jerked off for six years and is "clean." But that seems like just another delusion...just sayin'. Anyone who stands by while the wife says she's got him on prenup...well we know why he's there: Sperm donor and $$$$. Phaedra, girl, the arm candy ain't worth compromising the self-respect. I wonder what your mother thinks about this mess. Oh, and rhinestones in the eye creases??? Not a good look at all. I've only seen that on a runway and we all know all high fashion ain't everyday fashion for errry one!

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Phaedra is the most vile, fake, classless creature I've seen on a reality show and that's saying something. Apollo is better off in prison than with this wench.

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I didn't watch a lot of HWOA last night but what I did see is that if Kandi hadn't stepped up for Kim, she would have completely bombed. If I was Kim I would give.her double of what she was supposed to for Tardy for The Party I never used to like NE NE but know she is my favorite. Just because she speaks her mind and demands respect and loyalty does not make her a bad person. I would rather have A friend like NE NE than all the other fake housewives on all the other Housewive shows. Kim really is nothing but an aging wannabee pop star, I mean really she can't even sing.

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Kandi, STOP BEING KIM YES GIRL!!

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Phaedra- news flash! idealistically, people who actually HAVE class don't have to constantly SAY they have class! The thing about the housewives is that every time I get the urge to want to foster relationships with other women- I tune in and watch Housewives of Atlanta and it reminds me why I do not allow a lot of women into my inner circle. They are so catty and so hateful it is actually very entertaining however, in the grand scheme of things it is evident that none of these people with the exception of probably Kandi and Cynthia are actually genuine. I am sorry- Kim has got to be the most entertaining character I have seen in a long time. Not since Boston Legal have I seen such colorful personalities. Kandi always a huge fan since high school! NeNe reminds me of this really fake friend I had in undergrad...No we are not friends any longer-wonder why????

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PHAAAAAAAAAEDRA, PHAAAAAAAAAAAAAEDRA, PHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEDRA, YOU.......MY DAAAAAHLING "high class" (right).....are a complete JOKE and you can't even fake having class, let alone act like it. It's hysterical!!
Watching you is like watching a really bad actress who thinks she can act. HA!!!! I love it!!!
Thanks for the laugh! You're pathetic and have some REALLY deep issues!!! Can't wait to see your husband come to his senses and leave you soon!! Can't wait!!!!

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Kim is a hot mess, but Kandi talks all this stuff about not being paid by Kim and not being a backup singer and what does she do ? right it is what it is.....Apollo unless you're there for the money this B**** has you best believe you are her half white ,eat dog food and do as I say puppet! hey leave her and join your "gay buddies the ones you first saw after doing six years in prison! NeNe stay the way you are, you may be so what loud but we hear you loud and clear. Cindy girlfriend yes you do have it all but keep refusing these men and girlfriend soon you'll have only guys that wants you for the wrong reasons. Sheree what can I say but you are truly a "hot mess" pretending to be what you are not!

NeNe Leakes Quotes

NeNe Leakes: I am very rich, b--ch! Do you understand?
Sheree Whitfield: You must not know what rich is... if you're rich, you need to get your f--king teeth fixed! How 'bout that?!

[to Andy Cohen and Kenya Moore] Do I need to pull down your pants and kiss your ass? Should I hold a gay function?

NeNe Leakes
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