Danielle Staub and Teresa Giudice hate each other. But they love their daughters, with whom they bonded last night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Unfortunately in the case of Teresa and husband Joe, their lavish displays of affection are driving them into bankruptcy. Yet the materialism continues. Hard.
Danielle, meanwhile, wants to make sure 16-year-old Christine is a good girl. Sexually. This from a woman who stars in the sex tape Danielle Staub Raw.
Later, Staub gets into an obligatory, unrelated brawl at a restaurant. Standard.
Below, THG's Real Housewives expert tackles all of last night's absurd antics:
At the beginning of Monday’s episode, Teresa and Shirtless Joe visit the Brownstone to scope out the site for baby Audriana’s christening. Shirtless is looking mighty nervous as Teresa rattles off her list of demands. He almost looks like me might puke.
“I could tell Joe was a little nervous. I used to be able to spend what I wanted when I wanted. Now he’s like, ‘Don’t spend a lot of money!’” laments Teresa.
What does she want exactly?
A cocktail hour, a full bar, a sit-down dinner… basically a wedding… for a baby. “Just make it nice, but not too nice. You know whud I mean,” Joe mumbles to Christopher, visions of the poor house dancing in Joe’s little head.
Elsewhere in Jerseyland, Danielle takes Christine to the doctor’s office for yet another reality show television moment that really shouldn’t exist.
“Now that she’s 16, I’m taking Christine to her first OB-GYN appointment. Growing up, I never had a mom to relate to,” Danielle reflects, clearly oblivious to the fact that her daughters are also growing up without a mom to relate to.While in the office, Danielle keeps asking Christine if she’s a “good girl” and makes it clear to us that she’s of the same mindset as Sarah Palin - abstinence is the only option. (Yes, this is the same woman who made a sex tape.) Will Christine follow in Bristol Palin’s footsteps? That remains to be seen.
Luckily poor Christine is spared that nightmarish first pelvic exam for now. All the women out there breathe a sigh of relief for the girl. She receives only a horrifyingly awkward sex talk from an aging male doctor as well as many questions about oral sex from her freakazoid mom.
We cringe along with Christine.
At Kim G.’s column-festooned fortress, Christopher is playing pool with his friend and Kim G.’s son, the G. Child. Kim G. pushes hard for Christopher to help get her in good with Caroline. Christopher looks like a deer in headlights. Later Christopher brings up the Kim G.-generated idea of a lunch date for the sons and mommies. Not surprisingly, Caroline isn’t into it. “It’s a muddy, ugly situation,” says Caroline. “I’m staying clear of that.” I would have to agree with Caroline. That Kim G. seems about as pleasant as a big clump of dog poop smeared on the bottom of your new shoes.
Over at the Manicotti Manse, Teresa Giudice is getting her little guidettes ready for Audriana’s christening. Shirtless Joe sits downstairs feasting on a big plate of pizza rolls, his face blank and his eyes haunted. He’s hoping he’s imagining the sound of all his expensive rococo furniture being dragged out of the house. “For all my daughters’ christenings I always hire a photographer and a videographer,” explains Teresa. Shirtless is, understandably, a little on edge and is acting grouchy. “Whaaaa?!” he screams when the women repeatedly yell his name. He is in no mood to join in on family poses for photographs he can’t afford.
We get the privilege of seeing ex-Housewife Dina again. She is here to perform the sacred godmotherly duties of presenting the baby with Gucci shoes and then dressing her in a five-foot long poof ball of a baptismal gown. Teresa is having the time of her life but Shirtless looks like he wants to drown his sorrows in a stiff drink, preferably a cheap one. “God, I hate when you throw a party, I really do,” Shirtless growls to clueless Teresa. “No more parties for you.”
Later, Danielle Staub goes to visit Kim G. Kim G. is wearing her best black minidress and ‘80s-era lacey black tights - you know, the typical uniform Jersey women don to lounge about their manor homes. Danielle is feeling the love for Kim G. and confides in her about both her biological and adoptive mothers. Danielle wants to find her birth mom. “I just want to smell her! I want to smell my mom!” Danielle sobs. Kim G. offers to call a friend to help Danielle in this quest. They proclaim their love for each other and share their wishes that one becomes a man and one stays a lady and then they date in a future life. We all puke in our mouths a little bit.
At the Brownstone the christening party is in full-swing. There’s a woman dressed as Marie Antoinette serving sushi (a must-have at any Jersey baptism), a few gigantic ice sculptures (one of a gilded cross, the other eerily lit up with red lights), the feted baby sprawled out in a Victorian pram complete with lacy parasol, loaves of bread personalized with the baby’s name, a wedding cake - er, baptismal cake, and a “first dance with the baby” where Shirtless and Teresa slowly turn in circles with the baby while the guests cry with happiness.
Dina says, “Audriana is the luckiest baby in the world. Joe and Teresa and her three sisters are going to spoil that baby rotten.” Dina, I do believe you mean they will spoil her with garage sale toys and hand-me-downs, or clearance bin clothes if she’s lucky. No more Gucci shoes for this little one! Though Teresa has a huge smile of denial plastered on her face the entire night, Shirtless Joe gets grumpy again and wants to bail out early. “I don’t want to see the bill,” he groans. Hopefully the Manzos cut them a break—having a lavish christening party was not optional!
At a remote diner, Danielle and her girls are out for milkshakes. Christine lets it slip that she’s heard through a friend that Danielle is searching for her biological mother. “There’s only one person who knew about this and it was Kim and Kim only. Kim G., she’s not who I think she is. I’m a little upset right now,” Danielle says. She then begins to fly off the handle into full-tilt psychosis. Her daughters get that frightened look on their faces that shows us they know full well what is coming - like the poor little girl in “Mommy Dearest” when she accidentally used a wire hanger. “Okay, nice family meal” Christine says uncomfortably as Danielle rushes into the parking lot to make an emergency phone call to Discount Danny for advice. Danny suggests that they “kick [Kim G.] to the curb.” Great plan, Brainiac!
What would Danielle do without Danny handing out this fantastic advice?
On a different day (I think - sometimes it’s hard to tell), that gnarly Kim G. comes over to Jacqueline’s to bitch about Danielle. Evidently Danielle e-mailed some people and told them not to be friends with Kim G. and Kim G. has called it quits on the friendship. But what about your plans for heterosexual love and marriage in a future life?! Jacqueline tries to be diplomatic as she explains to Kim G. how people are viewing the situation. “It’s coming off as two-faced because you’re not being honest with her about how you’re feeling. It makes me not trust you,” Jacqueline says. Kim G. doesn’t really pay attention to that little factoid. She’s more interested in just complaining endlessly. “She acts like an ass. An ass acts that way,” Kim G. moans about Danielle.
At Danielle’s falling-down pile o’ bricks, Discount Danny is paying her a visit. He is wearing his standard redneck-meets-pretend-thug uniform and his bangs are hanging in his face in a way I assume he thinks makes him look like a tough and cool guy. Danielle bitches about Kim G. to D.D. and then lets him in on the plan she’s hatched all by herself: Tell Kim G. she’s a two-faced bitch who sucked as a friend. Discount is down with helping carry out this plan, having nothing else on his schedule on this particular day.
Discount Danny drives Danielle to a restaurant (Where is this restaurant, you ask? In a strip mall, of course!) to meet with Kim G. Danielle immediately delves into the friendship issues but Kim G. is smug and unapologetic. She lets it be known that didn’t appreciate Danielle getting her into some trashy situations. “I’ve been a good friend to you!” Kim G. screams as she throws a napkin at Danielle and curses. The other women in the restaurant titter over their martinis and stare open-mouthed as the fight escalates.
Then the fight moves to the parking lot and Kim G. screams something about “square tits” at Danielle’s departing Range Rover, Discount Danny valiantly at the helm. Kim G. looks like a female Rumpelstiltskin after he discovered he’d been duped - all red in the face and hunched over, hands clasped and feet stomping. It’s just another wonderfully magical moment in this fairy tale of a show!