MAKE IT STOP! Someone please put a bullet in the head of this show!
- THG intern forced to cover The Real Housewives of New Jersey, following last night's episode.
It's hard to ask for a better tease than that, isn't it?!? Try not to purchase any firearms today, Real Housewives Girl, and entertain us with another detailed review of the most nauseating show on television...
I just have to be honest. I am getting so sick of this used barf bag of a show. I want to scream every time I look in the channel guide and I see YET AGAIN that next week’s episode is not the season finale. I then scream, “Nooooooooooo!” at the television until the dude next door pounds on the wall to get me to shut up. And I’m sorry if I use a lot of my CAPS LOCK key this week because that is the closest I can get to screaming through a review.
Well, the first big whoop covered this time was Shirtless Joe’s stupid drunk driving accident. He rolled his truck somewhere in the great Jersey wilderness. But dry those eyes and turn that frown upside down!
Shirtless is safe and sound and he has a very eloquent explanation for this idiotic mistake: “I was commin’ down the street and I yawned for a second. And as I yawned I floored it a little bit.” Then he hit trees and a pole but, don’t you worry your pretty little heads for a moment because an angel was looking over him. Then he called the cops and drank more scotch while he waited, like all highly intelligent people.
“God forbid anything happen to Joe,” says Teresa. “I don’t know what I would have done.” I know what you would have done - moved in with relatives ASAP as your house was immediately repossessed.
If you think Danielle Staub is unaware of this whole Shirtless Joe debacle, you’re wrong. Our favorite skeletal ex-exotic-dancer-turned-nightmarish-housewife meets with Discount Danny, Ex-Bodyguard Extraordinaire to discuss how Shirtless was arrested for a “DWI." Though it has absolutely nothing to do with her, Danielle is ticked off at Shirtless Joe’s behavior.
She wonders why he was out at 2:00 in the morning. “I know strip clubs are open at that hour,” says Danielle, suggesting, I guess, that perhaps Shirtless strayed from Teresa. She knows all this top-secret strip club information because she frequents these clubs to fling her praying mantis-like body around metal poles and to spread her legs for all the randoms assembled.“I’m going to continue living in the love and light that they make fun of while their darkness rains upon them,” cackles Danielle.
It is at this moment in the show when I have my first screaming fit. I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE! This stupid feud is so played and I am so tired of it. I am weary, weary to the bones. Please, make it stop. It’s not funny, it’s not sassy, it’s not anything but old and stinky and gross. Someone please put this show out of its misery like that brave wilderness boy in Old Yeller.
Somewhere else, who even cares where, Caroline has her 100 millionth restaurant meal with Teresa and Jacqueline. Seriously, what is left for these women to discuss? They don’t work, they don’t do good deeds for the community, they don’t do anything except have these lunches. What more is there to cover? Well, as we learned tonight, they can still brainstorm vacations Teresa doesn’t have the money for. They all decide to go to Italy.
Golly gee willikers... I wonder who came up with this brilliant plan? MAYBE THE BRAVO PRODUCERS? Could it be? BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING ELSE GOING ON?? Oh Bravo, sweet Bravo. Why have you forsaken us? Is there so little happening in these women’s lives that we have to see a forced fakey-fake trip to Italy?
Down at the Brownstone, that over-decorated rubble heap that probably smells like a used ashtray inside an old Pontiac, Caroline waddles in to try to sweet talk Albert into going to Italy. While elsewhere, Jacqueline dresses her baby like a little Fazoli’s employee to try to get Silent Bob to agree to the trip.
MEANWHILE, Teresa breaks the news to those delightful little daughters of hers that they are going to Italy. How adorable - all the conversations being shown all together! So not staged! At all! SO NOT FORCED BY THE PRODUCERS! Then we get to see all the husbands giving in and saying yes. And this is so surprising because we totally thought they were going to say no!
Then all the little people at all the different little houses across the little Jersey town all pack their little bags for their little trip. It’s like the beginning of a really bad family Christmas movie. Let’s hope the Guidices accidentally leave all their children behind. And that the children get into the knife drawer.
The morning of the trip arrives. The multigenerational travelers assemble at Teresa’s house. They have smiles on their faces and are clearly in denial as to the cold, hard truth of what they will experience over the next week. “I have one duffel bag for the hair accessories!” Teresa screams to everyone. Shirtless Joe brings bottles of red wine onto the airport shuttle bus because heaven forbid we hit the road while sober. No, definitely no alcohol problem here!
Poor Venice now has another huge problem other than the fact that it is slowly sinking into the water: They have a swarm of Jersey losers in tacky fur coats crawling all over the place, screaming and yelling down the historic alleyways, knocking down unfortunate bystanders as they sprint in the direction of a Chanel. Luckily they’re only there a day before they swarm onto a cruise ship. Can Venice survive this hellish day?
“This is bee-you-tee-ful!” Teresa screams before stopping to ponder, “Venice is a town that’s made on water?” They do the mandatory Venice activity of all gross tourists: Going on a gondola ride. Jacqueline is pissed that the gondola drivers don’t sing like they do at the Venetian in Vegas. Joe is seasick and grouchy, like he usually is at home. After watching this nonsense it really got me thinking: Where does that term “Ugly American” come from? I couldn’t begin to guess!
In a rare moment of clarity Jacqueline says, “We looked like a bunch of idiots,” about the behavior of her group. Teresa is standing up in a water taxi screaming and yelling on their way to the cruise ship. You wish they’d go under a bridge with very low clearance and she’d smack her little head right on the stones.
The cruise ship is, like all other cruise ships, the most hideously tacky thing imaginable on this planet. Once aboard, everyone toasts with copious alcohol as the ship departs. Then Teresa plunges head-first overboard into the oil slick the ship has spewn in its wake. Her fur coat immediately absorbs the oil and she is pulled under by the very finery she thinks keeps her afloat in this world.
The irony makes us all weep. Then they announce the season is over! No, this is all wishful thinking.
Side note: I’m sorry but WHO THE HELL GOES ALL THE WAY TO FREAKING ITALY ONLY TO BOARD A GENERIC CRUISE SHIP AS SOON AS YOU GET THERE?? WHO??? Also, WHY ON EARTH DID CAROLINE AND ALBERT AGREE TO GET ON A LOCKED SHIP WITH THE GUIDICES AND THEIR PACK O’ HELLIONS??
Well, this is a Housewives show so of course crazy ship high jinks must ensue! What are these high jinks, you ask? Well, they include:
- Jacqueline pretending to be a masseuse and giving Caroline a crappy massage! Caroline tries to make a frowny face but it’s just too darn hysterical!
- Caroline and Albert babysitting the brat-tastic Giudice girls, getting kicked out of the hot tub, then taking them to the “Teen Zone” where the girls bitch and complain the entire time. I was praying Caroline would toss them overboard. At least that would have been a vaguely interesting moment in the intellectual Sahara desert that is this show.
- Jacqueline and Silent Bob taking a cooking class where they make pesto—quite possibly the easiest dish ever to make and by no means a dish that requires the guidance of a chef. And Jacqueline gets a hunk of basil in her teeth! It’s so incredibly funny yet also so incredibly adorable!
- Jacqueline and Teresa acting like idiots in an empty cruise ship bar—possibly the saddest moment of this entire show so far.
- Jacqueline getting sea sick and looking all pukey and dizzy—unfortunately for us she doesn’t pitch forward and land on her face.
- The revelation that Jacqueline’s two sons, C.J. and Nicholas, are actually on the cruise ship despite the fact that we have seen neither hide nor hair of them so far. C.J. has apparently been drugged because he’s passed out in a bed and Nicholas must be in the ship’s cargo hold because we don’t ever really see him, we just hear his name mentioned.
- Milania’s crappy fourth birthday party where she conked out at the dinner table and screamed when her mom tried to rouse her for the cake.
I feel despair now when I see it’s Monday and I have to watch this broken-down 1994 Ford Taurus of a show again. I mean, how long is this season anyway? I swear it’s been like 16 million episodes so far. It makes me want to take a swan dive off a cruise ship into the icy Atlantic.