The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Family Reunions, Investigations

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Has Danielle Staub really been fired from The Real Housewives of New Jersey?

As viewers consider this strong possibility, they were treated to a new episode of the hilarious/nauseating Bravo series last night. Our THG correspondent has every detail covered. Follow along now...

It struck me tonight:  Watching this show serves the same purpose as visiting a Roman vomitorium.  I feel queasy just changing the channel to Bravo now.  The nausea intensifies as I hear that fakey Godfather-like music start up.  My thoughts begin to race:  Can I handle it one more time or will this be the night that I bash myself over the head with the flat screen? 

Obviously I survived because here I am to share my random musings with you.  Here is the thought that compels me:  One more episode left! Yes, my dearies, we’ve come this far - we can make it to the bitter and horrifying finale.  Let’s all hold hands, say a little prayer, and take a deep breath as we dive in.  It’ll be over soon.

The Housewives Girl

The Housewives, Househusbands, Houseinlaws, Houseelders, and Housebrats dock in Naples. Everyone seems to be excited to get off the ship, especially Teresa’s whiny daughters.  Shirtless Joe bitches as he throws and kicks their 10 million bags down hallways and out of elevators.  He’s grouchier than ever. 

He’s cursing and stomping around having a tantrum.  Teresa tells us that he is pissy because he’s away from his businesses.  I believe that, if by “businesses” she means “half-empty bottles of booze in the basement at home.”

Once aboard the first of several ginormous buses, the nasty touristy kind, Teresa’s girls predictably break down.  Caroline shoots Teresa the snake eye but it is unfortunately ineffective.  “I don’t feel responsible at all if people are in a crappy mood.  That’s on them,” says Teresa.  Later, while exploring their hotel room, the Giudice bambinas discover a bidet, which Teresa refers to as a “beh-deh.” Joe, reminding us that he is a savvy world traveler with infinite knowledge about European culture, adds helpfully, “They’re like douches.”

I never thought I’d be so happy to see the Prostitution Whore and the decrepit lair she haunts but these annoying scenes of Italian tomfoolery are making me crazy.  Danielle reminds her defenseless daughters about her fight with Kim G. and then has a few moments of verbal diarrhea about finding her birth mom. 

At one point Christine uses the word “ass” and Danielle gets all bent out of shape.  “You’re too beautiful and too spiritual to speak like that,” says the woman who runs around town screaming profanities at other women across parking lots.

Filmed in Italy

Discount Danny comes to visit the Prostitution Whore.  They go to have some panini.  Poor Shirtless just wants to enjoy his hot n’ crusty, cheesy n’ olive oily panini but Prostitution insists on yammering away about the other Housewives.  Discount listens as Danielle explains that Ashley “has terroristic tendencies.” 

Danielle is positive she will be attacked by Ashley in the parking lot when she is just trying to get her precious panini.  Discount does a good job pretending to be interested.

Danielle has a private investigator come over so he can begin sleuthing around the backyard turning over rocks and studying the moss carefully with his magnifying glass while he smokes a pipe and twirls his moustache.  Sherlock Holmes doesn’t give her very much hope of finding her teenage birth mom and Danielle lets us know that she wants no drug addicted or homeless biological mommies. She just wants a rich one that will let her inherit a ton of unearned money.

Later Sherlock calls the Prostitution Whore to let her know that finding the records of the birth mom might take up to ten years.  None of us cares one tiny bit, even when Danielle fake cries and tries to act all sensitive and damaged and tells us she’s leaving it in God’s hands.  We don’t care whose hands she’s leaving what in, as long as we don’t have to hear about it anymore.

Back in Italy everyone boards yet another big ass bus to go somewhere, I think to terrorize a small country village.  Shirtless is cursing up a storm while his daughters beat each other senseless.  “Joe on the bus, he was tired, he was cranky, and he was just lashing out at everybody,” Caroline explains.

Everyone is rolling their eyes and making their fingers look like guns ready to blow their brains out as Shirtless slurs and hollers from his seat.  I keep waiting for Albert to yell, “Shuddup already!”  Now a conflict between the dudes would have actually been an entertaining moment in this backed-up sewer of a show.

But no dude fights are going down.  The big drama of the night is whether or not these Jersey people, soft and doughy as they are, can climb up a hill.  In case you didn’t know, Italy is a hilly country.  Our Housepeople are accustomed to flat Jersey yards where the only concern is tripping over an underground sprinkler head. 

They are terrified of the hill and bitch and complain and cry and gasp and dramatically wipe their sweaty brows as they climb, bedecked with Burberry scarves and pushing pimped-out strollers.  It’s like one of the challenges on “The Biggest Loser” without Jillian and Bob cheering in the background.

Jaqueline Laurita and Husband

The intense climb is worth it because at the top are crying Italian relatives with their arms outstretched and their lips puckered.  The grandmamma French kisses each of her great grandchildren before French kissing Caroline, just for shits and giggles, I think.  Jacqueline and Caroline try to fit in and do their best to remember to kiss everyone on both cheeks.  Mostly everyone stands out on the street and looks around. 

Then, everyone gorges on antipasto and does their best to make the villagers thoroughly hate all Americans.

But there’s more!  They do other things like stand on balconies and point, try to navigate steep staircases in stilettos, tromp through narrow alleyways and threaten to kick their daughters in their butts, and sit in strangers’ homes devouring pasta.  All I can say is, “I am sorry, Italy.”

The Houseidiots have the big final family dinner while in Italy.  Teresa’s girls’ custom dresses look like a cross between Little Bo Peep and RuPaul.  Then, thankfully, blessedly, they all fly away to home sweet McMansion.  Then Italy files a formal complaint with the United Nations and attempts to block all future American tourists, or at least the ones from New Jersey.

Finally, a few random thoughts from this episode:

  • Did anyone else totally forget Silent Bob and Caroline are siblings?  I did.  That Franklin Lakes certainly is a shallow gene pool. 
  • Is it just me or did Jacqueline’s baby appear to have a bare butt in one of the restaurants?  So sanitary!  
  • Am I hallucinating or do Teresa and Shirtless actually speak halfway decent Italian?
  • Did you catch Gia playing with a Nintendo DS or something similar at the big family dinner?   I’m sure those Italian relatives found the girls every bit as charming as the viewers of this show do.
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Just talking to a friend about how "nausiating" this show is getting! Love your commentary! laughed so hard, perfect nic names and all! Thank you.

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I couldn't bear to watch the show last night...Your recap' I'm sure was much better than the actual show. Thanks for the laugh!