There was no hair-pulling or police called to the scene this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
So, what did go down? That's a question for our Real Housewives correspondent. She dishes on last night's episode below...
Tonight’s episode began with a sweet and wholesome family night at the Giudices’ Macaroni Mansion. The girls are playing Monopoly with Teresa and Shirtless Joe. The irony of any member of the Giudice family playing a game that involves managing money does not go unnoticed. Evidently the Lord and Lady of the manor will soon celebrate their 10th anniversary.
We realize it’s taken this unfortunate pair just ten short years to blow through millions and millions of dollars... dollars they didn’t have in the first place.
Across town at Danielle’s crumbling lair she is hatching a plan…it is a plan to gain total world dominance using her radioactive breast implants. No, actually it’s a plan to celebrate her daughter Christine’s Sweet 16 without actually using any of her own money. “Amazingly I’ve never had a birthday party thrown for me until I turned 47 years old,” she tells us. Perhaps this is because no one likes you and you have no friends?
Christine wants to donate any money she “earns” at the party to charity. Danielle is smugly proud of this fact as if she herself is donating money to charity. “My children are living by my example,” she proudly states. What example is that, exactly? Usually you create mayhem at charity events. Is this what you hope your daughters learn from you? Yowsers.
Cute freckled little sis Jillian, already a singer-songwriter at age eleven, is planning her debut performance at the soiree. Mommy Dearest is intent that Jillian sing in front of hundreds of guests (most are being paid to show up, I assume) despite the fact that the child breaks down in a rehearsal and says she doesn’t want to do it.
Later, Jacqueline and her husband, Silent Bob, go to visit the Giudice pile o’ bricks. Much discussion about Teresa’s possible anniversary gift ensues. No one mentions a gift for Shirtless Joe. “I want him to surprise me. I want him to really, like, make it big,” Teresa says. Shirtless Joe slurs, “She wants this friggin’ diamond…(unintelligible muttering)… I don’t know. We’ll see.”
Teresa doesn’t need “a crown jewel”, though, because she’s “not an Arabic.” Unfortunately, buying a nice chunk of cubic zirconium might be more feasible because Shirtless admits that money “is just trickling” in right now. How sad for them.
Inspiringly, Crown Prince Albie has decided to join the Police Academy “while my law school career is on hold.” He goes on to explain, “You learn how to, you know, arrest someone and what happens after they’re arrested.” We are so lucky to have this Albie around answering all of life’s tough questions.
I always wondered what police trainees were taught in police school. He thinks this will really help him when he becomes a lawyer because, “I’ll know what a cop’s thinking.”
As usual, Caroline is just barely keeping herself from giggling girlishly and swooning at her son’s feet. She’s all hot and bothered about the prospect of her son dressed up like a real Man of the Law, complete with a night stick with which to knock her around a bit. “He’s cute as it is. Can you imagine him in a uniform? Good God!” She’s blushing and sweating and it’s so profoundly odd I don’t even really know what else to say.