Jake Pavelka-Vienna Girardi Interview Takes Over The Bachelorette, Defies Comprehension

by at . Comments

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette was essentially scaled back to an hour and 15 minutes to make room for the Jake Pavelka-Vienna Girardi smackdown.

This left us with two thoughts: 1. This could easily be a one-hour show every week, and 2. This interview was likely the greatest 45 minutes in show history.

There were so many ridiculous comments made and insults traded, The Hollywood Gossip has devoted a separate Bachelorette recap to their joint interview.

Our traditional Bachelorette rundown will follow shortly. Now, for the blow-by-blow of the much-hyped reunion that followed the Breakup of the Century ...

Future Mrs. Pavelka

Introducing the segment on a somber note, venerable host-pimp Chris Harrison pretends not to be ecstatic this fell in ABC's lap. What a great job. Plus 8.

Jake comes out to tell "his side" first. Jerry Springer-esque. Minus 4, if only because a screaming audience and/or chairs thrown would have enhanced this.

Oh, if you have this on DVR, have one person do a shot every time she says "fame whore" and another take one every time he says "undermined." Plus 10.

After Jake Pavelka says he was "blindsided" by the split, Vienna Girardi alleges "emotional abuse." Hard to tell who's lying more in the early going. Minus 3.

Jake seems genuinely surprised, even now, that Vienna is trashy and not that smart. Plus 4, because 10 million viewers knew this on his season's premiere.

We've never been big fans, per se, but when Jake starts being all condescending about text messages, her family, her dog, etc., we feel bad for V. Minus 7.

Vienna, on Jake complaining that she remeasured their room: "I never picked up a tape measure. I never picked up a tape measure in my life." Plus 12.

For whatever reason, they bleep out Gregory Michael's name, even though Vienna's alleged cheating with Gregory Michael was widely reported. Minus 18.

That story about Jake throwing the GPS into the back seat was pathetic and disturbing, but Minus only 5, because you know how guys are about directions.

Chris: "We don't really care about the dog." LOLOLOLOL. Plus 10.

Asked by Chris what they loved about each other, Jake says Vienna "challenged him." Plus 14, because he definitely just became "the biggest fake liar ever."

Jake: "I believe there is more to relationships than sex and intimacy." Like updating one's Twitter and going on as many reality shows as possible. Minus 9.

Near tears and vehemently denying Jake's accusations of her "flings with other men," Vienna asks Chris if she can take a "poly-o-graph" test. Plus 1,000.

How the HELL has Chris kept a straight face for a HALF HOUR? Plus 7.

When she interrupts Jake, in the midst of apologizing no less, he raises his hand in rage (not quite making a fist, but close) and berates her. Minus 250.

As she storms off in tears, Jake just shakes his head condescendingly. "There she goes again." How would these two EVER work as a couple?! Minus 40.

Minus 200 more, because as entertaining as this was, these morons both need to go away forever now ... and we have a strong suspicion they won't.

Wow. We always knew Jake was an uptight stiff, but we didn't peg him for a misogynistic a$$hole. We can't believe we're saying this, but ... Team Vienna?

TOTAL: +534.

Whose side are you on?


Viennia sucks **** and yall get a life


Vienna is a haggard, uncouth slop-tart whit a googly-eye. Someone needs to smack this trashy guid in the side of the head with a brick to straighten-out that fucked-up eye of hers. Her voice is like listening to nails on a chalkboard, and I sincerely doubt that she has a brain in her head. She wears too much makeup, has a ginormous nose, and has an immensely overinflated sense of self-importance. Any way you look at it, Vienna absolutely sucks at life. I pray that this hambeast crawls back to the guinea-infested pit from whence she came very soon. I seriously believe that her problems with Jake centered around her googly-eye. He probably didn't know who or what she was looking at when they were arguing.


Jake and Ali are gonna get together


Jake, is a cheapskate..wanted Vienna to work a job vs. be a Prince Charming and take care of her! Don't worry, Cinderella(Vienna), your Prince Charming is out there! Besides when she makes babies, if she wants..she should be a stay at home mom!!


Mik, Vienna is beautiful.....and interruptions, no big deal! It's clear, Jake does not know how to handle a woman in a loving and gentle way!


They are both idiots! They are BOTH equally as bad. If he is withholding sex and affection, ..well..would you want to snuggle up to anyone who whines and bellyaches wont let him get a word in EVER? She on the other hand, was trouble from the minute she stepped out of the car! All the girls saw it, so did the country. They got what they BOTH deserved!


Thank God Jake did not pick poor Henley!She would likely be in a mental ward by now. She came off as way too 'needy' and her ending up with a guy like Jake would not have helped her at all. I think she needed more time to get past her hurtful divorce and recover.She will be fine as long as she stays away from losers like Jake! Jakes needs to take inventory and get some therapy. He has all the makings of a classic abuser with any future mate. I'm disappointed he turned out to be such a jerk.He sure did have alot of us fooled! As for Vienna, no fan of hers but she needs to run as far and as fast from the likes of Jake..


He said, she said, that is what it boils down to. We'll never know for sure, and do we really care????????????


Oh, and Vienna's new gig? Running in the Kentucky Derby. Last time I saw a face like hers, it had a jockey on it's back.


since Bacelor/ette producers are such manipulators, what about this scenario? Ali doesn't choose anyone this year - lots of ground work being laid for this as she keeps blabbing about being "hurt again." Jake is now single. After the final rose; "Jake and Ali are talking again and dating" - then dovetail to new Bachelor he blathers on how he couldn't get over Ali - she says she shouldn't have quit her job and couldn't pick any guy on Bachelorette because she couldn't stop thinking about Jake oughta be good for at least a one hour special and a few more tv interviews - maybe Ali does "Dancing with the Stars"? something about Ali tells me she's as sneaky as Jake and Vienna and would love more "spotlight" time

Tags: , , ,

The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]