Can we take away the question mark in the title of Bethenny Getting Married? now please? She's both hitched in real life and even on her TV show.
This week, her and husband Jason Hoppy jetted off to St. Bart for their honeymoon, which included skinny dipping, anxiety and more. Also, Bethenny posed for a pregnant nude photo shoot. Take it away, THG Real Housewives correspondent....
With their fabulous wedding behind them and Shawn getting himself cryogenically frozen so he can get some serious rest, Bethenny and Jason jet off to honeymoon on St. Bart’s. “I’m trying to be the sexy new bride but I’m a disaster,” Bethenny says.
This statement sets us up for a week filled with immense fun and laughter as well as hormone-induced crying jags and panic attacks, the highs and the lows occurring most likely within two seconds of each other.
Once on the island, they hop into their rental BMW and speed off across the gorgeous landscape. Of course they are renting a BMW - can you imagine these two in a Ford Fiesta? They arrive at the resort where they have a private villa with butler service. Their villa is gorgeous, enormous, and complete with their own huge pool with giant turtles wandering around it, munching contentedly on tropical grasses.
As soon as their luggage hits the floor, Bethenny is immediately topless and she and Jason are in the pool. “When those doors opened, honestly, you took my breath away,” Jason tells Bethenny about their wedding day.
They say many sweet things to each other and what little clothes they were wearing end up in a sodden heap pool-side. Gigantic iguanas look on suspiciously from the bushes. Jason and Bethenny’s entire submerged and naked bodies are blurred out.
Next, the two hit the beach. “I really feel like a pig that needs to be roasted on the beach at a luau,” Bethenny tells us. Jason is particularly fond of commenting on Bethenny’s cankles and her “sausage-link” toes and, luckily, she has a good attitude about it all. She tells us repeatedly that she feels fat and gross but really she must be feeling pretty confident because her bathing suit is essentially a bikini and pretty skimpy at that. Plus, she looks amazing.
Sure she’s pregnant but she’s totally toned. It’s as hot as a seven months pregnant woman can possibly look. Also, she is sporting a big, floppy fluorescent pink hat and she will wear this hat pretty much non-stop throughout the rest of the honeymoon.
Arriving back at their suite, they find a large, wet animal poop on the floor. Bethenny dry heaves, runs through the villa, and freaks out. They are sure it’s one of those huge iguanas done snuck into their bungalow and took a dump but their search turns up nothing.
Then, they wax a happy trail of dark hair that has developed on Bethenny’s belly.
Bump hair successfully removed, the newlyweds have breakfast (pink hat in attendance) and discuss a number of things, including:
- Bethenny asks about baby development, “When do they talk and walk? When does all that happen? Walking first? When does, like, potty training happen?”
- When asked if he has babysat before Jason replies, “Like for two hours and I was exhausted.”
- “So at the hospital they just send us home with this little baby or what?” wonders Jason.
- “You’re gonna let the baby play, right?” asks Jason when Bethenny talks about insisting on staying organized even with mountains of baby crap. “No, the baby’s gonna be the boy in the bubble,” she replies.
Later, Jason goes on his first windsurfing lesson while Bethenny drools over cute little girls playing on the beach, her face shaded by Mr. Pink Hat. She becomes emotional and wipes tears away. “It was happiness and emotion. It was a little bit of fear. I don’t know, it just took me over.” She elaborates to Jason, post-windsurfing, “I left everything to the last minute of my life and now everything’s like all together. And we’re on our honeymoon and we’re having a baby in two months.”
“Wanna just stay here and I could give windsurfing lessons?” Jason suggests. How sweet is this guy? Can we please clone him?
Being a food connoisseur as well as a pregnant woman with major cravings, Bethenny informs Jason that they are going to go on a “food crawl” and that she will be wearing her fave hat. No, just kidding, the hat is an unannounced guest on the food crawl. She is doing a lot of eating, “Just to really increase maximum swelling,” Bethenny explains.
Bethenny is very adventurous with food for a pregnant woman. She eats oysters, burning hot raw peppers, as well as two full day’s worth of food in one afternoon. She and Jason laugh and have fun - it looks like they are enjoying each other so much. It’s really nice to see them (but mostly Bethenny because she was wigging out so much in previous episodes) relaxed and happy.
On their last night in St. Bart’s Jason arranges for a private dinner on a patio in the middle of the pool. “I really didn’t want it to end,” says Bethenny about the honeymoon. But it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. “I feel very puffy and not like myself. I feel very out of sorts,” she admits.
But then later she gives Jason a lap dance while wearing a rainbow afro wig. So, clearly, she still feels at least a little confident…or maybe the hormones have just made her not care anymore.
Back in New York Bethenny visits a few posh baby stores with her friend Chuck. She needs to furnish the nursery pronto. As she drops about $100,000 on furnishings and accessories she also drops a few funny lines, including:
- “Can babies wear white after Labor Day?”
- “If we don’t get this done today the baby’s sleeping in a cardboard box.”
- “It has to be a girl or it’s being returned. I’d be happy if it was a boy. It should just be healthy with ten fingers and ten toes... and a vagina.”
Toward the end of the episode, Bethenny goes to visit her therapist. Obviously they’re not showing us the whole session, but what they show us is so lame and seemingly very un-helpful.
“You seem happy,” the therapist tells her. Wow, what a deep psychological assessment! How much do you get paid per hour because you should double it! This therapist guy kind of creeps me out. He always has this sort of vague smile on his face and his voice is all smooth in a weird way. I wonder how they found him and why he agreed to allow private sessions to be televised. This seems sort of suspicious to me.
After her nude pregnancy photo shoot, Jason and Bethenny visit the obstetrician.
“It’s a mush, it’s a blob, and there’s a heartbeat,” Bethenny says about the image of the baby on the ultrasound. “I could be giving birth to a platypus. I have no idea, I don’t care. I just want it to be healthy... and a girl.” Thank goodness we know Bethenny does in fact have a girl or else all of this would come back to bite her in the ass big time when she popped out a boy! Next week we get to see the blessed event.
I have to say that I am looking forward to it!