The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Pink Limos, Little Divas, Danielle Drama and More!

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A newborn was taken home this week; a nine-year old received lavish gifts at her birthday party; and, of course, Danielle Staub was at the center of all the drama. Incredibly, she managed to come across worse than ever. That's hard to do.

Follow along with our Real Housewives reviewer as she goes inside the fifth episode of season two of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. As usual, the show was both nauseating and entertaining...

Sweet fancy Moses!  Tonight’s episode was so crazy I actually felt stressed-out watching it.  I got all hot and my heart was racing.  This show is proving to have an adverse effect on my health.  Reminder to self:  Must take a Xanax chased by an entire box of wine followed by an entire carton of Blue Bell Old Country Ice Cream before watching next week.

Everything started out sweet... well, sort of.  Teresa and Shirtless Joe (who, shockingly, wore a shirt the entire time but I still like that nickname) brought baby Audriana home.  The baby got to enjoy sister Gia’s ninth birthday party.  This was quite an event!  Teresa hired a hot pink limo to take Gia and her friends to a spa to get facials, manicures, fancy hairdos, and then, oddly, to form a mosh pit and grind under a disco ball. 

Spas where I live don’t typically have disco balls and dance floors, but perhaps I am just ignorant on this subject.

The Housewives Girl

Let’s just pause for a moment on this birthday party, okay?  When I was nine would I have wanted a facial and a fancy hairdo?  Hell no!  I would have wanted a homemade cake, a Pound Puppy or two, and probably a few runs down the Slip n’ Slide in my backyard.  Judging by the faces of some of the little girls in attendance at this party, they were thinking the same thing.  Their expressions ranged from excited to confused, perplexed, and overwhelmed. 

I could so identify with the more freaked-out girls. Who doesn’t remember being invited to a birthday party that you instantly regretted attending?  Some of those poor kids looked like they just wanted to call their moms and escape from Teresa’s World of Tutus and Insanity.

While I do think Teresa is a genuinely loving mom and I know she only wants what is best for her daughters, she is teaching them from infancy that materialism is the greatest value one can possess. She brags to us, “Gia is my oldest and it’s her ninth birthday today.  And of all my daughters she is the most high-maintenance, so I want her party to be an event to remember.” 

Umm... maybe she’s so high-maintenance because you insist on making everything an “event to remember."  If you didn’t make such a big stink over every little thing, your daughter wouldn’t be a “diva." Teresa goes on to say, “Gia is a total girly-girl.  Teresa only raises divas, not tomboys.”   

Being a diva isn’t like being born with brown eyes; one has some control over it.  Teresa seems essentially kind and sweet, but I really do wonder what her daughters will be like when they grow up.  I imagine they won’t be what Teresa is hoping for.

But let’s move on to the focus of tonight’s episode:  The Showdown at the Brownstone!

Holy crap, this was something else.  So, the main point here is that Danielle was planning on helping out with a children’s cancer charity.  But, oops, the event was being held at the Brownstone, bastion of Danielle’s archenemies, the Manzos.  And, double oops, Danielle has no money to contribute to the charity. 

She says, “Although I don’t have financially the ability help out I do know people who have more than they need.”  Hmm... here’s a thought, Danielle:  Maybe get a job?  This is just one of the ten million reasons she shouldn’t be getting involved in this event at the Brownstone.  She can’t even contribute! 

She asks for money from other people:  Soooo tacky.  It’s not like she’s running a marathon for breast cancer and asking for donations.  She wants people to give her money so she can look like she’s a big contributor and so she can be front and center handing a check to a family in need.  Ugh - it’s so revolting.

In her search for a sugar mama, Danielle visits her friend Kim G.  This woman is a real treat and oh so modest.  She tells us right off the bat, “You know something?  I live in this town and I have a very beautiful home but most of my friends aren’t from here and they’re very down to earth and they’re very simple and they don’t have what I have so I don’t go around bragging.”  Oh, don’t be bashful, deary! 

Is this what Kim thinks passes for polite talk - calling your friends “simple?"  Danielle has honed in on Kim and wants Kim to accompany her to the charity event at the Brownstone.  Now, is this because they’re “friends” or because Kim has money?  I know what I think and I’ll let you form your own opinion. And Danielle is so proud to be able to show up with Kim next to her. 

She says, “Tonight I am attending a benefit for Emanuela at the Brownstone.  I do have some hesitations about the Brownstone, but I’m not nervous to go there because my heart’s in the right place and I know why I’m going.  Wait till they get a load of who my friend is!”  Danielle has no idea what “right place” her heart should be in.

Danielle Scene

Now, Danielle is aiming for a full-on entourage to back her up when she goes to this charity event. Little ole’ Kim G will simply not be enough.  Danielle also hires a scruffy dude named Danny to “protect” her.  This Danny is a real winner:  He is on parole for some sort of violent offense and legally can’t drink for six more days.  

But Danielle is not one to discriminate when it comes to discount bodyguards.  She says, “I don’t care if you’ve been to prison.  I don’t care if you just got out.  He’s protecting me.”  If you need protection that badly then perhaps you might want to rethink attending this event at all.  Just a thought.

Let’s pause for a moment and remind ourselves what the other Housewives are thinking about this situation:
- Jacqueline:  “Danielle wants everyone to think that she’s this innocent person and she’s the victim of everybody’s attacks on her when she’s not a victim. She’s a nutjob.”
- Teresa:  Danielle is, “A ho bag slash prostitution whore slash sociopath.  And that’s pretty scary.”
- Dina:  “I think Danielle is just a little crazy and she acts like she’s in such fear of our family when no one bothers with her.  No one cares about her.”
- Caroline:  Too many hateful quotes to choose just one.  Trust me, Caroline despises Danielle worse than anyone else.

Back to the Browstone.  Danielle arrives with her posse in a Bentley.  They are greeted at the door by some shady looking characters.  Evidently, ex-Con Danny called for some back-up, one of which is the head of the Hell’s Angels in his leather jacket.  You stay classy, Franklin Lakes!  Danielle is nonplussed by these uninvited guests.  She says, “I know there was a couple of ex-cons, Danny being one.”

Caroline’s son Christopher has been warned by his mother to stay away from psycho Danielle.  He hides in the shadows until Danielle approaches him.  “I wanted to shake his hand, just like a little psychological f-you.  I’m walking in the door at your second home, your business.  It felt good,” Danielle says.  Come on, now.  This quote says it all. 

She cannot even pretend that she is there simply for charity.  She’s there to screw around with people!  And why does she even care about messing with Christopher?  What difference does someone’s rather unintelligent 20-year-old kid make in the fights of middle-aged women?  Most importantly, the other Housewives never mess around with Danielle’s kids.  She would go completely Jack Torrance in The Shining on their asses if they even tried it.

Heading Home

Once inside the Brownstone, Danielle greets the mom of the cancer patient for whom this entire charity event is organized.  Danielle tells this poor woman, “Whatever you need, whatever you want.  Just don’t hesitate to call me.”  The mom wipes away tears and looks at Danielle with gratitude.  Excuse me, Danielle?  Didn’t you say that you have no resources whatsoever to help out?  Here is yet another example of how two-faced this woman is.

Though she is there under the guise of helping a family in need, Danielle manages to make this pediatric cancer charity all about her.  She asks the child’s mom, “Do you feel a lot of love when you look around the room?  Feel it and keep feeling it because I don’t think anybody is going anywhere. Because I’m not.  And I brought a lot of people with me to make sure that doesn’t happen.”  She is referring to her posse of ex-cons, Hell’s Angels, and a trashy socialite.  How kind of you to bring your friends along!

The shit really hits the fan when Danielle realizes that there are not enough seats for her enormous group, most of whom have not paid.  (Reminder:  This event is attempting to RAISE MONEY.) Caroline’s husband Albert scrambles to find room for Danielle’s group to make them happy, but Danielle continues to be displeased.  She says, “I think if they were trying to make Danny and his friends feel unwelcome they might of wanted to think a little harder on that.  Big mistake.  Huge.” 

It is so sickening to see this woman, totally out of control, ruining a charity event for a child with cancer.  It’s truly shameful and so disgusting to watch.  Ex-con Danny then chimes in, “How much you gonna disrespect us before we gotta fucking wreck the joint?”  It just gets worse and worse.  Danny clearly thinks he’s still in the state pen or some seedy bar, not at an event designed to help a child in need.

Finally (FINALLY!) after lots of talking trash and making threats, Danielle decides she has had enough. She says, “People at this establishment should be ashamed of themselves.  This was about a baby.  I just want to leave with dignity.”  No chance of that, sister. 

Kim G. gives the family a check before the funky bunch heads back to their Bentley.  They have managed to make a disaster of a charity evening and they have also managed to make themselves look even trashier than they did before.  I didn’t think this was possible, but Danielle proved me wrong.  I just wonder how much worse she will continue to make herself look in upcoming episodes.  Probably much, much worse. 

Break out the Xanax!

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The worst moment was Danielle looking at someone - the mother of the child maybe? - saying "Nothing's gonna be dignified if these boys cut loose. Nothing." She was actually threatening to have her thugs trash the place at a benefit for a BABY with CANCER. I hope the family at least makes a lot of money from the exposure. Danielle is a borderline personality, so her behavior is likely to escalate rather than get better. I hope Dina has aome protection around her that we're not seeing.

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Disgusting Kim G that you would stand there and allow your "friends" to talk so vile about your son's best friend. As a mother, you should have stood up for him, how classless. How would you feel if Caroline stood and allowed someone to speak in her presence about your son the way you did? Answer, it would not have happened, she would have spoke up. Shame on you.

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The drink may have been Alize: Cognac w. passion fruit

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I am going to start a new reality show called "Crazy Housewives Island." Danielle, Kelly Bensimon, and Lynne from the O.C. will be the stars.

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First of all....that stupid bitch Caroline acts like such a badass.....she should meet me! I would love to show her what badass is all about. She chooses to judge people....look at yourself and your family, you ugly bitch! The other whores who pick on Danielle need to get a life! They have nothing, and I mean NOTHING more to do than to worry about what Danielle is doing or where she's at or who she's hanging out with! Damn!!! I watch the show in the hopes that Danielle will find a posse to kick these ugly tramps and their husbands' asses. Oh, one more thing! If I have to see Teresa's little tramp wanna be Gia mock the walk of a real, professional model, I will puke my guts out! She has absolutely no talent and if I had a kid like her, I'd have tied my tubes a long time ago! All of her kids need a good ass whipping! Maybe then they would learn some damn discipline!!!

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FYI, Nancy, Theresa posted on her blog that she was serving bellinis. They are a drink made from fruit puree (usually peach) and champagne. Very delicious.

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I hope Danielle reads this you should be ashamed of yourself and that piece of crap Danny, if you ever ran into a tough guy you would crap in your pants, you must of been the BIGGEST PUNK in jail.Kim G for all the good you did for the boys school in New Jersey your your name should be taken off the field, for you to associate with the garbage and put yourself in that league is appalling. You are no better then the people you were with at that event. You lay down with shit you get up smelling just like them

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Though I am not a mental health professional, it is clear that Danielle has some serious mental health issues that clearly impair her. Impaired or not, however, in general, most people are still responsible for the decisions they make, despite their mental health status. Danielle Staub is no exception. Humility is not a concept that she is familiar with; I would be surprised if she could even manage to define the meaning of the word. Danielle manages to make every single thing in this world "about her", even a charity event for a baby who is ill with cancer. "Come on, Danielle! At least let the family of the ill child manage to have the night be about them - not you!" Save it for the next mental health charity event instead...

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Oh my god, she's a moron! And how about the fact that Danny was mouthing off calling Chris Manzo a "fag" (forgive my quote) but last season Danielle had a problem with Joe using that word, in jest, at Albie... She's a nut-job hypocrite...

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Oh, come on! That Danny punk is about as scary as cream cheese. What a joke "Man, if they don't show us some f-ing respect, we're gonna...we're gonna...bitch a lot and leave!" Well, okay then! Whew! Everyone managed to dodge the bullet on that one, huh? She's an idiot surrounded by idiots. The only people I've seen yet on this psychopath's side of the fence with a nickel's worth of sense are her daughters. Poor, beautiful babies, someone needs to get them away from her.