Yawn. The sight of Danielle Staub topless is common place for anyone that has purchase this reality star's sex tape.
But, fortunately, that excerpt on last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was one of the only boring clips from an otherwise entertaining hour of ridiculous television. As usual, our Real Housewives correspondent is on the case, recapping the insanity below...
Did anyone miss Dina? I didn’t! I completely forgot about her absence and found this week’s installment to be one of the most enjoyable of the season. It seemed to have three main components:
- Danielle’s wonky boobs and how they were made beautiful... she hopes.
- Prince Albie flunking out of law school and Caroline going all civil right-sy about it.
- Teresa throwing a housewarming party for herself that we know full well she can’t afford.
Let’s go through them one at a time, shall we?
Okay, let’s start with Danielle and her jankety boobs. She’s had three previous “augmentations” (I hate that word), none of which turned out well. Evidently she also got a staph infection in one of her boobs and now it’s all lopsided and hard. If you’re feeling the chunks beginning to rise, you might want to pause and grab your barf bucket now because it only gets worse from here.
Danielle meets with a plastic surgeon in his office in a strip mall. Evidently Franklin Lakes is one never ending strip mall. Of the freak boob she explains, “It’s hard, it’s cold, it doesn’t get the body temperature like my body.” She goes on, “I do suffer because of the breast implants. It causes a lot of pain for me. Every day, every minute of every hour of every day.”
Tears pool in our eyes - what this woman has had to endure!
Upon first sight of Danielle’s rack the doc exclaims, “I do obviously think that you need an operation, without a doubt. I am going to have to have one of the leading revision breast surgeons in the country take a look at you.” We imagine Danielle must be saying to herself, “Hey, fourth one’s the charm, right?”
If I were her I’d just hack them off and wear a padded bra with some chicken cutlets from here on out, but not our girl!
Later, Danielle heads in to get her breast surgery. We are treated to another look of Danielle’s blurred-out boobs and we gag and cover our eyes. She wants us to know that she is a natural girl at heart who normally shuns such vain cosmetic procedures. We look upon her freakishly high eyebrows, protruding cheekbones, and overly plumped lips and we totally believe her.
“Nature’s been very good to me so far,” says Danielle. “Getting my breasts done is really out of necessity. It wasn’t for aesthetic reasons. Umm, I want to be very clear about that.” I think we’re clear about what’s going on, Danielle, but are you?
Once in the operating room, we get to enjoy even more blurred-out boob action. Her doctor tells those assembled around Danielle’s naked torso, “She has one of the biggest deformities ever. It’s depressed.” This last bit is in reference to the misshapen bubbie but he really could be talking about how all of us feel while watching this show, couldn’t he?
The doctors squeeze and smush her boob around as they ridicule it. As the camera pulls away from the “Surgical Center” we see it has a partially burned-out sign and is in, you guessed it, a strip mall.
Now on to Prince Albie and his poor wittle problem with law school. Albie tells mommy that he isn’t doing so hot in law school.“You know, I have a learning disability and it’s not an easy thing for me to deal with,” Albie tells us. Caroline confirms saying, “It’s like ADD. He can’t process as quickly as others do. He’s always struggled.” Evidently his G.P.A. is an awe-inspiring 1.93 and the school has kicked him out and suggested he not be a lawyer.
Caroline climbs onto her soapbox complete with teary eyes and a rousing speech to assist her. “They told you you weren’t good enough,” she hisses, “Over my dead body you’re not good enough.” We audience members would like to point out to her that the law school didn’t actually say that. They told Albie his GRADES weren’t good enough to continue and he might want to consider a different profession.
I am sorry, but this sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I know that learning disabilities are huge hurdles for students to overcome but I can’t help but think that a person who can get into college, graduate from college, and then get into law school should probably be expected to get at least a 2.0 in law school. Am I alone here?
And what person would want a lawyer who got just a 2.0 G.P.A. in law school anyway? I wouldn’t, even if it was a free lawyer from the Legal Aid Society and I was getting sent to the slammer and he was my very last option.
“I just feel friggin worthless,” pouts Albie. Caroline’s crying intensifies but then she pulls it together enough to reassures him, “Mommy loves you.” Good thing Albie has mommy and daddy running around after him wiping his little tushy!
“In this family we’re warriors and Albie is a survivor. Nothing in life comes easy.” Excuse me?! Nothing has come easy to Albie? You’re right, Caroline, we feel so sorry for the kid in the McMansion who has had such an incredibly tough go of it so far. Good lord, heaven forbid Crown Prince Albie come up against a little adversity in his life. I am guessing Albie’s law school is in a strip mall, too.
Oh, and even though this is not part of my three topics to cover from tonight’s episode, I did want to mention the Manzo family dinner to celebrate daughter Lauren’s grand achievement of driving to cosmetology school enough times in a row to graduate. The family’s conversation then changes to deciding who is better looking: Christopher or Albie.
Daddy Albert says kindly, “Chris, if I ever thought any one of you was not my child, I hate to break it to you, you would be it.” Christopher then laughs stiffly to hide the searing pain caused by this remark as Lauren and Albie discuss which of them is their dad’s favorite. Christopher chokes down his tears in the corner like Caroline is choking down hunks of garlic bread.
On to the last and possibly most annoying part of the show: Teresa’s lavish housewarming party.
“I’m having a housewarming party and I just want it to be fabulous,” she proclaims. With the benefit of knowing Teresa’s current, dire financial situation, we realize that Teresa can neither afford the party nor the house for which the party is being thrown.
She hires a heinous party planner named Elvira who repeatedly berates Teresa for not hiring domestic help. Teresa’s eyes widen. Perhaps she’s thinking, as we all are, that she doesn’t have the money for these sorts of extravagances. We want to scream at Elvira, “The Guidices don’t even have a pot to piss in at this point!”
Upon viewing the backyard for the first time Elvira shrieks, “Ugh! You don’t even have a pool!” “No, I have a beach house,” says Teresa, looking offended. I am wondering how much they have the beach house on the market for to get out of the hole they presently find themselves in.
We get to view the party in full swing at the end of the episode. Elvira is running around bitching people out on a level appropriate for President Obama’s inaugural parade Secret Service team but not really necessary for a pretend-fancy party in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey.
The party planner has had furniture carted in that looks sort of Alice in Wonderland-esque in that it is totally hideous and tacky in an oversized and out-of-proportion way.
The guests have a grand time getting drunk and embarrassing themselves. Caroline puts the kibosh on all the Danielle talk at the housewarming party and says of Danielle, “She’s like parsley, she’s everywhere.” Shirtless Joe performs a little jig on the checkerboard dance floor, his cheeks and nose flushed by all the booze.
Teresa is overjoyed at how her Jersey Princess Palace has been transformed to look like a posh nightclub. We feel a mixture of annoyance and sympathy for the girl because we all know that this house will be for sale soon and their little fantasy world will come crumbling down. Enjoy it while you can, Teresa!