While most of our staff is sitting in stunned silence over the alleged existence of yet another Danielle Staub sex tape, thank goodness for our Real Housewives critic.
She sat through another hilarious, entertaining, nauseating episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night and filed the following report...
Let me just start out by saying that the entire focus of this episode was women trying to get other women out of their lives while simultaneously talking, thinking, texting, Facebooking, and scheming endlessly about these same women. Danielle wants the Manzo ladies out of her life for good. The Manzo ladies want Danielle out of their lives for good. Hmmm... normally you would think that this could work out well for all of them pretty easily.
Just stop talking to each other, right? No, it’s not that easy when you are a New Jersey housewife. You must first make the woman/women you hate the center of your life and the focus of your every waking moment before you can finally expel them for good. D'uh!
But before we delve into all of that, let’s start out where the episode started out: Teresa and daughter Gia at Gia’s modeling and acting school. Teresa drives Gia to her acting class in the family’s Maserati. As I see this I am immediately reminded of reading a headline this week that Teresa and her hubby, Shirtless Joe, are millions of dollars in debt and that several of their many homes are in danger of being repossessed by the bank.
Teresa, I would encourage you to enjoy that Maserati and your new Palace of Marble and Onyx while you still can. Soon you’ll be living in a dilapidated ranch with minimal square footage and it will become all too apparent how annoying your daughters are when you can’t hide from them in your pool house
Teresa makes nice with the other parents in the waiting room of Gia’s acting and modeling school. She relishes the opportunity to shoot the shit with people in the biz. “It’s typical for me to speak to other parents whose children are also models and actors. It’s refreshing to be around people who can relate to you,” says Teresa of these people who are all giving her the snake eye every time she opens her trap. She also reminds us and them, “I’m so not a stage mom.” One dad cringes. We cringe along with him.
Gia wants a part in a new Christian Slater movie but it doesn’t work out. We learn that her Jersey accent is preventing her from getting the parts she so desires. Well, that and her total inability to act or memorize lines - but I digress. Teresa is dumbfounded by all this hoo-ha.
“I really don’t know what a New Jersey accent is because I was born here and raised so to me I don’t feel like I have a Jersey accent.” My gawd - has this woman nehvuh been outta Joisey? A dialect coach is brought in to help de-Jersey Gia’s speech. Much time is devoted trying to get Gia to stop pronouncing the word “coffee” as “quaw-fee” without much success. All the other words in the English language (oh, besides “dog” verses “dwog”) are left for later as her coach slumps over in exhaustion and Teresa and Gia leave.
Evidently it is Danielle’s birthday and our favorite nutjob is having her “first grown-up party.” This statement is not clarified and no one knows what it means exactly but things move forward despite this confusion. That two-faced minx Kim G. is hosting a party for Danielle and the two women exchange words before the party.
Kim G. is upset over how things went down at the Brownstone during the cancer benefit. Danielle refuses to make any apologies. The people doing their hair and makeup raise their eyebrows and exchange looks of thinly veiled terror. You know they are scanning for the closest exits to flee through in case these women start going at each other with their claws and fangs extended.
Once the party starts the conversation predictably turns to the Manzos and Danielle asks her guests, “Do you know how much satisfaction they’re going to get out of knowing that on my birthday party that this is what’s happening?” But when a person tells Danielle she cares too much about the Manzos she gets hissy and sticks up her finger and says, “Oh no, no, no. I do not care about them. What I don’t care to hear about is them on my birthday.”
Some days after the party Danielle is alone at her house she is talking to herself in the kitchen. Having nothing else to think about and nothing else to do, she is all hot and bothered about the Manzos. She carries on a one-sided conversation, “They tell me to get a life? Why don’t they get a life? I have a life! I have a really great life! And I’m standing here talking to myself. Wow, that’s healthy.”
She seems to achieve the greatest level of clarity whilst ranting and raving alone in her kitchen with her dogs. Danielle is currently upset about Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley setting up “hate sites” about Danielle. Danielle thinks this is “highly terroristic” and “nothing short of the KKK.” Danielle considers reporting Ashley to the police.
While having lunch in a strip mall restaurant (evidently the only kind of restaurant in Franklin Lakes) Teresa and Jacqueline get Ashley to admit sending threatening text messages to Danielle. But she had a good reason! Danielle told her she was fat and needed to lose weight in her arms. Oh, hell to the no! Bitch had it coming.
Jacqueline tells Ashley to just stop now and to let it go already. Ashley obeys her mother for five minutes while she drives home. As soon as she gets home she posts more crap about Danielle on Facebook. But honestly, can we blame Ashley for this obsessive and destructive behavior concerning Danielle? Look at the female role models who surround her!
While taking Ex-Con Danny shopping for a new suit (“Because of how Kim feels about Danny’s behavior I thought maybe we’d go shopping, just to try things on and to see how it feels. Maybe it’ll make him feel better and make him want to watch his language a little bit,” Danielle explains) Danielle receives a call from Dina. Dina wants to meet to, “Twak aboutta few tings.” Danielle is instantly on high alert. She makes sure Danny’s schedule is free and clear (shockingly, it is) so he can sit in a car in the parking lot of the restaurant to keep Danielle safe from serial killer Dina.
To prepare for this meeting Dina puts on 60 pieces of costume jewelry, while Danielle makes sure her discount bodyguard is stationed and ready for action. She confides to us, “My worst fear is that Dina is plotting an ambush on me. Thank God Danny’s outside watching out for me.” And most likely passed out in the car, or looking for a hooker, or passed out with a hooker. Plus, why does Danielle think she needs protection from Dina in the first place?
Dina is not exactly the down-and-dirty-bitch-fight type of gal. She’s more the kind of girl who wouldn’t want to get in a fight because she’d break a nail and mess up her hair. And, what’s worse, put all that costume jewelry at risk! Also, aren’t there Bravo cameras and producers everywhere whenever these women come into contact with each other? Danielle, do you really think Dina is going to jam a shank in your neck in full view of your reality television show crew?
Dina reminds us of the fake purpose of this staged meeting one more time, “There is nothing good from day one since this woman has come into my life. It’s all been chaos and she’s wreaked havoc on my family. I just want no part of it.” All of us scream from our couches, “THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING HER TO MEET YOU???? ARRRRGGHHHGH!” The men in our lives try to calm us and remind us that this is only a stupid reality show. We are in no mood to be calmed. A fight is a-brewin’ and this has us tweaking like meth addicts.
The women sit on some sort of banquette in the strip mall restaurant. Dina starts out by telling Danielle she doesn’t want to attack her and she should put her guard down. We can’t tell if Danielle is surprised by this statement or not because her eyebrows are permanently Botoxed. Dina explains that she thinks Danielle hasn’t changed and that Danielle is the only thing in Dina’s life making her unhappy.
It’s only been 30 seconds but Danielle has heard enough. She interrupts and says, “I don’t know why you and the rest of the ladies think that you are any better than me.” Danielle then takes over the conversation. This does not work out well. Then the two women begin to shush each other and then the shit really hits the fan. Do not shush that Danielle! Shushing Danielle is the equivalent of getting a Gremlin wet.
The women start to point at each other. Those extended pointer fingers wagging in each other’s faces are a sure sign that things are going bad and getting steadily worse. Voices are raising and tempers are flaring. What will happen next time?! Murders?! Explosions?! Plane crashes?! Danny and his hooker ramming their car through the front door of the restaurant, guns a-blazing?! I can’t wait to find out.