The Hills Season Premiere Recap: Plastic Surgery, Drug Use and a Whole Lot of Arguing

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If you love The Hills, last night's premiere (Season 6, Episode 1) was a doozy. If you're so over The Hills by now, this episode is probably a classic example of why.

"Put on a Happy Face" featured Heidi Montag's family trying to do just that ... staring at her face and the rest of her body after 139 unnecessary plastic surgeries.

The Hills final season debut should have come with a "Warning: Disturbing Images" disclaimer. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

They should show a close-up shot of Heidi Montag's fake boobs in their hilarious glory as The Hills title card. Although those things are more like a mountain range.

Is it just us or are all of these chicks skinnier, meaner and more annoying than ever? Did MTV unveil new protocol for these mean girl anorexic fembots? Minus 9.

Lo is a full-time cast member at last! Plus 4!

Kristin Cavallari can't believe she's accused of drug use ... despite staying out until 8 a.m. and looking like a stick figure. Minus 5. Where would they get that idea?

Welcome 2 the Freak Show

A face only a mother could love... and even she has a hard time.

Let's run down Heidi Montag's plastic surgery in her own words: "I got a slight eyebrow lift and that's why I got these staples in my head. I had my nose redone, I had my own fat injected into my cheeks. I had my ears pinned back. I had injections into my lips. I had my chin shaved down. I had my breast redone, and my back shaped... and I had a little bit of inner and outer lipo." No points, we just had to.

Heidi's mother Darlene reacts honestly to her daughter's absurd plastic surgeries, asking "why [she] would want to look like Barbie?" Our thoughts exactly. Plus 18.

After Heidi Montag prods further, Darlene says looked "younger and fresher-looking" before. Minus 6, 'cause Heidi would so cry if her face weren't frozen in place.

Kristin is, like, mad that Brody Jenner is flirting with Audrina Patridge. We love Brody, but why keep recycling the same three guys as fake love interests? Minus 7.

Lame Shades

Hard partying Kristin denies she's got a problem.

Wearing sunglasses indoors doesn't make you look cool, Kristin. Minus 4.

Nice of Stephanie to make it out of rehab in time for filming. Plus 3.

Heidi tells her fam they "live in the mountains and wouldn't understand." LOL, as if Crested Butte, Colo., were some backwards, classless, hillbilly dump. Plus 11.

This isn't related, but Spencer Pratt is reportedly on the outs with the show after he refused to start a physical fight with Holly Montag. Yes, Spencer Pratt. Plus 5.

TOTAL: +10. The "reality" of The Hills is always debated, but it more or less on display last night, and we know this because we cover the cast's actual lives daily.

We much prefer episodes like this, whatever the annoyances, to absurd, contrived plot lines such as Speidi's baby argument or Kristin and Justin Bobby "dating."

Click to enlarge more pics from the episode ...

Staged Intervention
Stacie n' Kristin
Hills Girl Talk
Oh, K-Cav
Brody Macks Audrina
A Montag Moment
A Confrontation
Heidi's Mom is Pissed
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She has that psycho-cunt-from-hell look of every bad rhoetilnsaip I've ever had. She is going to shred him, destroy his life, than suck the life force out of him. I bet the engagement wasn't his choice. Looks like she's already got his nuts in a vice.

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viv is uncomfortable and can't express why. worthless post. just shows how many idiots there are.

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HEIDI IS A STUPID BITCH SITTING THERE LETTING SPENCER TALK ABOUT HER MOM AND SHE NEVER DEFENDS HER SISTER...DUMB BITCH...AND SPENCER JUST A PSYCHO..THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER SELFISH AND STUPID

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I was absolutely shocked by how Heidi looks now! She looks plastic, and like her stepdad said - frozen. Why would such a beautiful girl do that to herself? She is unrecognizable now and even a little scary. It's very SAD.

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oh yes...of course...you'll be able to spot all three of us with the same sunglasses wishing we were on the Hills. Whatever. Lame.

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Great - now we are going to have a bunch of Hills wannabes running around with those sunglasses on this summer. Can't ANYONE be original anymore?

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I need to know the brand of the sunglass's too!!!!; (

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I was wondering the same thing about Kristin's sunglasses in her post drinking binge outfit. Anyone know the brand?

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Does anyone know where I can find the sunglasses that Kristin Cavallari was wearing on the hills last night? Or what brand they might be?

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Heidi looks like shit..

Kristin Cavallari Biography

Kristin Cavallari... Nude Kristin Cavallari is a Laguna Beach alumna, controversy magnet, former girlfriend of Brody Jenner and Nick Zano, and celebrity gossip... More »
Born
Birthplace
Denver, Colorado
Full Name
Kristin Elizabeth Cavallari