John Mayer Refers to Jessica Simpson as "Sexual Napalm," Uses the N Word

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In a new interview with Playboy, John Mayer makes sure to say that he's NOT a douchebag.

He then spends the entire interview proving why so many people consider him to be a giant douchebag.

We'll let Mayer dig his own douchey grave below, as he recounts what it was like to sleep with Jessica Simpson and why he and Jennifer Aniston broke up...

On sex with Simpson: That girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy... It was like sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f*ckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f*cking you.'"

On Aniston: That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person.

On their break-up: There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter... She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction.

THG note: In other words... that was it.

Douche on the Mic

On current sex life: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops.

On NOT being a douchebag: From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the s*** out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douchebag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's f*cked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even f*cking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'f*ck you.'

John, your dating life has nothing to do with the public's perception of you. What might make people think you're a douchebag?

Rambling, nonsensical interviews about masturbation and sexual napalm that make you sound like an attention-hungry tool. Or, to use a more apt description: a douchebag.

** UPDATE: WHOA! New excerpts from the interview have been leaked, and they paint Mayer as far more than just a douchebag. Read below.

Mayer: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

Playboy: Because you’re very?

Mayer: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n*gger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

Playboy: Do black women throw themselves at you?"

Mayer: I don't think I open myself to it. My d*ck is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin' David Duke c*ck. I'm going to start dating separately from my d*ck.

THG note: What the heck is wrong with this guy?!?

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I don't even get whats he's saying!!! He doesn't even talk right!!!

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It's maturity or lack thereof.

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Wow John. I can't believe you write such deep lyrics and speak with such idiocy. I honestly will never buy another record from you...emphasis on buy. What a let down.

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It's not your dating that makes people think you're a douchebag John, its the crap you talk. You think you're too cool to speak like a normal person. The things you say don't make you sound elevated, special and clever John. It makes you sound really, really moronic. Good luck.

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He's like the male equivalent of Megan Fox. Without the looks. Let them hang themselves with their own words. Hahahaha

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He makes my tummy feel eewwww

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I just re-read that interview. It gets worse the more you read it again. Try it. It's just a horrible interview. Its rare for an interview to seem worse the more you read it, there's usually some redeeming feature in it you miss the first time or you can find some kind of humor in it that you didn't get the first time round. But this is a rare exception. That's how horrible this interview is. Still don't really have an opinion on the man either way, I just know I detest the language he uses and the way he phrases things. And clearly lacks humility. Ok, that's a slight opinion on him. Oh and what a gentleman! kissing and telling..dirty dog.

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Woe betide John Mayer the day he runs into Saumrai Scrote.

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John Mayer is a pretentious asshat. And a douchebag.

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Errmm... I don't really think he's well. I'm sure he believes he is, but what's coming out of his mouth... While I'm sure he thinks he posses this great intellect accompnied by charming wit, that interview points to the contrary. Interesting, confusing and offensive, quite possibly. But not smart. He needs a reality check. Wakey-wakey John. You're done.

John Mayer Biography

John Mayer With Long Hair John Mayer is a singer, songwriter, guitar player and Grade A douchebag hailing from Connecticut. The cheesy musician has become a major... More »
Born
Birthplace
Bridgeport, Connecticut
Full Name
John Clayton Mayer

John Mayer Quotes

The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation. This is a work in progress, and as my hair grows longer it will serve to become a more stirring and poignant statement.

John Mayer [on haircut]

To adults who will vote for him, Barack Obama represents a return to prosperity. To the youth, he represents an introduction to it.

John Mayer
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