The Bachelor Recap: Viva Vienna!

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As usual, The Hollywood Gossip staff endured The Bachelor last night to bring you our official recap, with points awarded/docked according to our scientific system.

In the season's third episode, Vienna Girardi emerged as a frontrunner, and Michelle became even more insane. Here's THG's take on that and so much more ...

Jake takes Vienna bungee jumping "to overcome their fears as a couple." A couple who met like 10 days ago. And jumps off a bridge entirely by choice. Minus 5.

Plus 12, though, for the show blatantly recycling this story line from Jason and Molly's season, but Minus 12 for V saying she's "on cloud Jake right now." Wow.

Michelle: "I really want a 1-on-1 date with Jake. I really do." You're joking! Plus 16, as she also wants to kiss Jake softly and pull his hair. She is bat$h!t insane.

Jake and His Harem

Jake Pavelka and his Bachelor babes after their comedy venture.

Plus 6 to Jon Lovitz for purposely not being funny at his own comedy club, in order to help take the pressure of the suitors. (That is what he was doing, right?!?)

Corrie absolutely trashes Vienna Girardi in her standup routine, and other girls throw her under the bus too. Minus 10 for the cattiness, even for The Bachelor.

The girls HATE Vienna, yet we never see her do anything bad. A theory? It's part of the narrative so we're "shocked" when she wins (see Bachelor spoilers). Even.

Ali on Michelle: "She just seems a little off." Ya think?! Plus 2.

Ella had a nice date with Jake at Sea World. They're great together, but Minus 4 because they involved her 7-year-old son when she's obviously not gonna win.

Tenley Molzahn opens up to Jake about her past and divorce. We admit it, we're finally hooked on a contestant. She seems so sincere and squeaky. Plus 13.

Tenley and Jake

Jake and sweet, sweet Tenley have a tender moment.

Jake: "I'm not a serial dater." With the exception of appearing on two reality shows based around dating. Minus 4, because we thought he "believed in the process."

Mean, when Michelle pressures Jake to kiss her, and he reluctantly does so, his expression is PRICELESS. Plus 1,000 because he's as scared of her as we are!

Minus 7 for Elizabeth being such a tease, and a really bad one at that. Seriously, girls used to play these games with us in fifth grade. They totally worked, but still.

TOTAL: +1,007. SEASON: +23. Roses: Vienna, Ella, Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie, Kathryn and Ashleigh. Eliminated: Valishia, Elizabeth and crazy a$$ Michelle.

Things our wives said:

  • [on Jake, multiple times] "Was that him attempting to be funny again?"
  • "These girls are even dumber than I thought, which is saying something."
  • "I'm going upstairs to watch videos of my own stomach instead."
  • [on Michelle] "Doesn't she make you nervous? I'm uncomfortable."
  • "I wish I could accept a rose ... so I could stab myself with its thorns."
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I really think Ali is the best one for Jake, but I've read he blogs saying he will choose someone totally different. Also, the blogs say Ali will be leaving before the end due to a problem with her job. I don't like the choice that he is to finally make at all. She doesn't seem sincere about Jake nor truthful with everyone--of course, maybe that's not possible in a household of women after the same man. The only thing I have seen against Ali is some cattiness against Vienna when they were all at the comedy club. Ali is still my choice!

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Ali is the one he attracted to. Like Ella but he is not turned on by her. Glad psycho Michelle is gone.
They tried to tell him about her. Vienna is interesting.......Ali is my choice.

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I think Ella is the best and will be one of the last two!

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Not likely that Vienna will be the last one standing. Promos show Jake being upset by all the drama that she's causing and not wanting to give out his last two roses.

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im glad he kicked that michelle girl off she was PHYCO path. every moment they spent together she was crying and saying how much she was here for him, what an emotional basketcase. i thought she would stick arounf longer though for the ratings hahah

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i am normally not a big fan of the bachelor but I watched came across the first episode channel surfing. I ve been watching it every week since then. I dont see what everyones problem with vienns is. i honestly thing that the others girls are trying to get more tv time and are jealous of her. for example the 3rd episode the tease elizabeth got all worked up bc vienns stole jake away. HELLO honey thats what you all do!!! bunch of dramma queens.

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So this show needs to get a little hipper - I say it's time for a beautiful black bachelorette, maybe a student or model or actress. The guys can be actors, athletes, musicians, photographers, models, deejays, rappers, producers, Black, White, Asian and Latino. They can all dress very cool and be hip and funny and fool around and tell jokes and stuff like that. The show is getting boring and too white and too conservative. Just my opinion.

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Elizabeth was sooo fake & phoney....it was hilarious when Jake called her out. Her stand-up routine was laden with orgasms and sex, kinda contradictory for the little prude. I'm so glad he saw through her act....

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I hope Michelle was watching herself from the psychward! Wow- she was bad even for this show!

The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]