The Bachelor Recap: Viva Vienna!

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As usual, The Hollywood Gossip staff endured The Bachelor last night to bring you our official recap, with points awarded/docked according to our scientific system.

In the season's third episode, Vienna Girardi emerged as a frontrunner, and Michelle became even more insane. Here's THG's take on that and so much more ...

Jake takes Vienna bungee jumping "to overcome their fears as a couple." A couple who met like 10 days ago. And jumps off a bridge entirely by choice. Minus 5.

Plus 12, though, for the show blatantly recycling this story line from Jason and Molly's season, but Minus 12 for V saying she's "on cloud Jake right now." Wow.

Michelle: "I really want a 1-on-1 date with Jake. I really do." You're joking! Plus 16, as she also wants to kiss Jake softly and pull his hair. She is bat$h!t insane.

Jake and His Harem

Jake Pavelka and his Bachelor babes after their comedy venture.

Plus 6 to Jon Lovitz for purposely not being funny at his own comedy club, in order to help take the pressure of the suitors. (That is what he was doing, right?!?)

Corrie absolutely trashes Vienna Girardi in her standup routine, and other girls throw her under the bus too. Minus 10 for the cattiness, even for The Bachelor.

The girls HATE Vienna, yet we never see her do anything bad. A theory? It's part of the narrative so we're "shocked" when she wins (see Bachelor spoilers). Even.

Ali on Michelle: "She just seems a little off." Ya think?! Plus 2.

Ella had a nice date with Jake at Sea World. They're great together, but Minus 4 because they involved her 7-year-old son when she's obviously not gonna win.

Tenley Molzahn opens up to Jake about her past and divorce. We admit it, we're finally hooked on a contestant. She seems so sincere and squeaky. Plus 13.

Tenley and Jake

Jake and sweet, sweet Tenley have a tender moment.

Jake: "I'm not a serial dater." With the exception of appearing on two reality shows based around dating. Minus 4, because we thought he "believed in the process."

Mean, when Michelle pressures Jake to kiss her, and he reluctantly does so, his expression is PRICELESS. Plus 1,000 because he's as scared of her as we are!

Minus 7 for Elizabeth being such a tease, and a really bad one at that. Seriously, girls used to play these games with us in fifth grade. They totally worked, but still.

TOTAL: +1,007. SEASON: +23. Roses: Vienna, Ella, Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie, Kathryn and Ashleigh. Eliminated: Valishia, Elizabeth and crazy a$$ Michelle.

Things our wives said:

  • [on Jake, multiple times] "Was that him attempting to be funny again?"
  • "These girls are even dumber than I thought, which is saying something."
  • "I'm going upstairs to watch videos of my own stomach instead."
  • [on Michelle] "Doesn't she make you nervous? I'm uncomfortable."
  • "I wish I could accept a rose ... so I could stab myself with its thorns."
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Jake should have kept Cory, if he wanted marriage material, but if he is really going for someone like Vienna, he is in for dysfunction palooza, if He can't keep her happy, she'll motor and leave him in the dust!

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Well.....I hate to say that I have been sucked into the Bachelor and of all times to start watching! Drama, drama. I will say though if and when Ali leaves, that will be my last Bachelor. If ABC is keeping Vienna for the "ratings", they are misguided. She is the reason I will be turning the channel if he keeps her and apparently all the gossip says he does. Now where do you think that's gonna go? Oh well, reality shows....what are you gonna say? I am truly disappointed. Ali was right. If "she is his choice" I am not for him! Spoken with class.

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When i first saw Vienna I didn't really like her, I liked Ali, now my thoughts have really changed, grow up Ali, she is so bitchy...Vienna for 23 yrs old is more mature than most in this season.

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EXCUSE ME,Jake needs to come back to Texas,Who in the hell picked them girls? I watch Bachalor all the time and never have seen so much B/S going on.Jakes wife is not in this bunch.

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Ali, troublemaker. Grow up. Tenley, not as sweet as anyone thinks; her snide remarks, ugh. "I'm Pregnant" - gimme a break - how immature. Gia, eh. Vienna, the best choice for Jake - down to earth. The girls have absolutely no true example of why she is not good for Jake. Go Vienna!

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I hope Ali is chosen in the end, she seems the most normal and the cutest. Vienna, some saying "like" "like" "like" you act like a 15 year old...gross.

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Ella, Gia and Ashleigh are the next to go...look at the next group date on the website. Ashleigh is on the date, but later is crying...

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ummm, Vienna what are you doing on this message board? No need to use a fake name "Linda". Because I'm pretty sure you are the only person in the world who can see that chemistry!

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Previously Ali looked like a good match with Jake, but that pales in comparison with the connection between Jake and Vienna!

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I really like Jake and Vienna together and hope she is his choice! The other girls are just nasty (except Ella). When Vienna was trying to tell Ella how much she would enjoy undivided attention from Jake on her one on one date, the other girls accused her without reason. Jake liked that Vienna "rises to the occasion", a characteristic I would like see more of in myself. Hopefully Jake will not believe the jealous women and will stay true to his feelings for Vienna.

The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]