The Bachelor Recap: Season 14 Premiere

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The Hollywood Gossip sat through the season premiere of The Bachelor last night to bring you this recap, in which we award and deduct points as we see fit.

Take it away, Jake Pavelka and aspiring trophy wives!

Vienna Tricks Jake

Plus 6, or one per shot of Jake shirtless in the opening three minutes.

Jake: "The most powerful emotion is love. Love is perfect." Minus 3.

The show gives us some background on a bunch of the girls before they meet Jake. Most look at themselves in the mirror a lot. Sounds about right. Plus 2.

Obligatory Minus 10 for the painful On the Wings of Love subtitle and for ABC's the ladies' constant attempts to work Jake's profession into bad puns.

The football game "spontaneously" breaking out and culminating in all 25 women chasing Jake into the house will go down in reality show history. Plus 12.

Minus 3 for Ali's ex-boyfriend. Seriously dude. Put down the damn controller.

Kathryn wears an engagement ring from her fake fiance. Huh? Eh, we'll buy it. Plus 7.

Minus 4 for Jake not choosing Channy. Is he unaware of what a landing strip is?!?

Like Larry Bird asking rivals who's gonna finish second before a three-point contest, Christina brings gifts for the girls being sent home! Cocky b!tch. Plus 5.

Kiptyn award for this season's cutest contestant with oddest name: Tenley! Plus 1.

Nice of Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski to drop by, but Minus 3 for such obvious filler.

Plus 4 for Chris Harrison's trademark line: "Ladies, the final rose ..." Never gets old.

ABC hypes the $h!t out of the big "cheating scandal" in the premiere, only to reveal it actually happens next week (or the week after for all we know). Minus 13.

Wow, Michelle is bat$h!t insane with her intensity, serial-killer eyes and comically short emotional fuse. Plus 11 for ABC forcing Jake to keep her AND waiting to give her the final rose. Forget TNT. These guys know drama!

TOTAL: +12. SEASON: +12. Rose Recipients: Kathryn, Michelle, Ella, Elizabeth, Ali, Vienna, Christina, Gia, Ashley, Rozlyn, Jessie, Corrie, Valisha, Ashleigh, Tenley.

Things our wives said:

  • On Jillian: "Is she dressed like a fembot?"
  • On Channy's hope that Jake gets Cambodian fever: "Is that Malaria?"
  • On Channy whispering to Jake: "Is she, like, a phone sex operator?"
  • "Do they intentionally recruit the dumbest girls in the whole country?"
  • "Nice of them to find 2-3 women with real jobs, more than I'd expect."
  • "Where do you even FIND a dress like that?" (multiple occasions)
  • "Barf." (even more occasions)
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I never watch this show. However, I watched last night simply because I couldn't take my eyes of this Jake character. Uber. Hot. Period. Interesting trainwreck television though. I feel I'm hooked already. Loved the claws out at every corner. The brunette (Megan Fox wannabe) who initiated the football game has the WORST set of fake tits I've ever seen. Michelle is just a downright lunatic (tweet #runjakerun) and I swear 5 of those "women" were actually men. I predict Ali to win the whole thing.

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all those girls are such ditzes. maybe 1-2 out of 20 seemed semi-intelligent. have fun jake!