The Bachelor Recap: Jake Just Wants a Wife!

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Jake Pavelka's quest for a life partner continued last night, and The Hollywood Gossip staff endured The Bachelor to recap it for you with our exclusive point system.

Awarding and deducting scores as we deem fit, here's THG's take on last night's episode, which saw a very serious Jake narrow his field of contestants to five:

Chris Harrison announces that he will now be pimping the girls up and down the California coast. Bachelor road trip, RV style. Lots of screaming ensues. Minus 5.

The girls not in Vienna's RV start bashing her immediately. Plus 3.

First stop on the road trip? Wine country. Jake on the vineyard: "There are fields of grapes in all directions." One typically will see that in a vineyard, yes. Minus 4.

Tenley Screams

The first 15 minutes of the episode summed up in one image.

Gia and Jake spend their critical one-on-one date in the vineyard playing hide-and-seek and spin the bottle. Nauseating, but at least she's really trying. Plus 4.

Jake Pavelka confides that in 9th grade, his nickname was "Mr. Dateless." Minus 6, because there's no way Jake or any 9th grader has ever been called that.

Group date time. This mostly consists of Jake rolling around in the sand with a squeaky, flirty Tenley Molzahn. Doesn't look like the worst time ever. Plus 7.

Minus 2, though, for how he lamely says "it's time to get down n' dirty." Jake, stop reading the cue cards and acting like a stiff for five f*%king seconds.

Tenley Molzahn gets a rose. Ali is going to poison Vienna pretty soon. Plus 5.

The 2-on-1 date is going to be "so difficult" for Jake, but he's "going to do what my heart tells me." By his heart, he means Chris and Mike Fleiss. Minus 9.

Jake Sets Rose on Fire

Jake tries to act like this scene was totally spontaneous.

Jessie totally pulls a Jake Pavelka on Jake Pavelka, who is now in Jillian Harris' position. Jessie "warns" Jake about Vienna 'cause she cares SO MUCH! Plus 6.

Besides how much Vienna supposedly sucks, the big narrative producers are beating into our skulls this season is that Jake is, like, really serious about finding a wife. As opposed to other Bachelor stars who are there for what reason? Minus 11.

To that end, Jake boots both girls after the 2-on-1 date. Deep in thought, he then SETS THE ROSE ON FIRE! Plus 12 for that staged, but hilarious moment.

At the rose ceremony, he calls time out! Minus 5, because you shouldn't be able to do that. He wants to cut an extra girl. Understanding pimp Chris agrees.

The final rose goes to ... Vienna Girardi! Plus 8 for dragging that inevitable result out as long as humanly possible to mess with us - and royally piss off Ali.

TOTAL: +1. SEASON: +24. Rose recipients: Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali and Vienna. Sent packing by Jake Pavelka: Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn, and Ella.

Things our wives said:

  • "I really hate how much they scream."
  • "[Gia] looks like a high-maintenance airhead, but she's so pretty."
  • "[Vienna] needs to lay off the dark eye shadow. Her clothes are really bad too. I mean, where do you even BUY some of those outfits?"
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Gia is a dumb slut. How hilarious she dropped out of school too. How telling. I love how she posted her picture duct taping her boobs on her Facebook page. That must have been her proudest moment. Gia, you're a dumb, boring slut with a face that looks like the Joker since you have put it under the knife. No one wants to see your fat, stank ass and your fake, inflated boobs, so quit shoving your T & A in Jake's face. What a boring dumb ass bitch.

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Tenley is mysterious and funny,cute.
Vienna is cute and real and sweet and honest.
Ali she is manipulate,insecure,jealous type.
Gia she is spoil and fake and insecure.

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Tenley will be my first choice and just and the second choice will be Vienna and Gia she must go back home.

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Ali is not for Jake and even Gia I do not see Jake being with her.

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Vienna is not ugly so stop making comment look at yourself in the mirror. Gia look very fake and she is insecure and Tenley she is ok looking not so sure about her past life with her ex-husband.

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Gia look like a clown

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Oh my gosh...Jake should be on a soap opera. He tries too hard with his cheesy lines. I dont find him attractive at all. What is on the ceiling that Vienna keeps looking at???? She is not pretty at all with no makeup...has he seen her with none? Is her hair fake?????

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I have never seen an uglier woman than Vienna. She looks like a man in drag... like a white Ru Paul. It makes me sick..if I were on the show I would hate the fact that such an ugly, overly confident person was in the same running as me. Ughh... gag. Gross vomit gross.

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Barbara, I agree with you, especially your last comment. I was actually hoping he would pick Ella, as she was so lovely and definitely the most classy and mature one of the entire group.

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I read that Jake took part in screening these women for the show. All of them are attractive, but alot of these women seem intellectually shallow. I always think it is sad when women are malicious to each other over a man. Ali is a big disappointment. She is so jealous and insecure that she actually makes me feel sorry for Vienna. I think many of these girls are just too emotionally immature and young. Jake seems perceptive and smart - I just think more mature women would have been a better choice.

The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]
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