The Bachelor Recap: Jake Just Wants a Wife!

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Jake Pavelka's quest for a life partner continued last night, and The Hollywood Gossip staff endured The Bachelor to recap it for you with our exclusive point system.

Awarding and deducting scores as we deem fit, here's THG's take on last night's episode, which saw a very serious Jake narrow his field of contestants to five:

Chris Harrison announces that he will now be pimping the girls up and down the California coast. Bachelor road trip, RV style. Lots of screaming ensues. Minus 5.

The girls not in Vienna's RV start bashing her immediately. Plus 3.

First stop on the road trip? Wine country. Jake on the vineyard: "There are fields of grapes in all directions." One typically will see that in a vineyard, yes. Minus 4.

Tenley Screams

The first 15 minutes of the episode summed up in one image.

Gia and Jake spend their critical one-on-one date in the vineyard playing hide-and-seek and spin the bottle. Nauseating, but at least she's really trying. Plus 4.

Jake Pavelka confides that in 9th grade, his nickname was "Mr. Dateless." Minus 6, because there's no way Jake or any 9th grader has ever been called that.

Group date time. This mostly consists of Jake rolling around in the sand with a squeaky, flirty Tenley Molzahn. Doesn't look like the worst time ever. Plus 7.

Minus 2, though, for how he lamely says "it's time to get down n' dirty." Jake, stop reading the cue cards and acting like a stiff for five f*%king seconds.

Tenley Molzahn gets a rose. Ali is going to poison Vienna pretty soon. Plus 5.

The 2-on-1 date is going to be "so difficult" for Jake, but he's "going to do what my heart tells me." By his heart, he means Chris and Mike Fleiss. Minus 9.

Jake Sets Rose on Fire

Jake tries to act like this scene was totally spontaneous.

Jessie totally pulls a Jake Pavelka on Jake Pavelka, who is now in Jillian Harris' position. Jessie "warns" Jake about Vienna 'cause she cares SO MUCH! Plus 6.

Besides how much Vienna supposedly sucks, the big narrative producers are beating into our skulls this season is that Jake is, like, really serious about finding a wife. As opposed to other Bachelor stars who are there for what reason? Minus 11.

To that end, Jake boots both girls after the 2-on-1 date. Deep in thought, he then SETS THE ROSE ON FIRE! Plus 12 for that staged, but hilarious moment.

At the rose ceremony, he calls time out! Minus 5, because you shouldn't be able to do that. He wants to cut an extra girl. Understanding pimp Chris agrees.

The final rose goes to ... Vienna Girardi! Plus 8 for dragging that inevitable result out as long as humanly possible to mess with us - and royally piss off Ali.

TOTAL: +1. SEASON: +24. Rose recipients: Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali and Vienna. Sent packing by Jake Pavelka: Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn, and Ella.

Things our wives said:

  • "I really hate how much they scream."
  • "[Gia] looks like a high-maintenance airhead, but she's so pretty."
  • "[Vienna] needs to lay off the dark eye shadow. Her clothes are really bad too. I mean, where do you even BUY some of those outfits?"
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The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]