Jersey Shore, a.k.a. Guido Beach, Premieres on MTV

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"I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet." - Sammi

"After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off." - Jenni

"Guidos... when we stop, our chrome keeps spinnin'! I was born and raised a Guido. It's just a lifestyle. It's about bein' Italian. It's representin' family, friends, tanning, gel, everything. Dude I got a f**kin' tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about bein' a Guido and living up to that lifestyle. My tagline is 'I'm Your Girl's Favorite DJ.' I want the girls to c** in their pants when they hear my music." - Pauly D

It suddenly makes perfect sense why MTV renewed The Hills and The City despite sagging ratings and dwindling fan bases. The network's new shows are worse!

On this week's debut of Jersey Shore, which we've been waiting for since the Guido-hyping promo, eight roomies moved into a Seaside Heights, N.J., home.

The quotes above sum it up as well as we can in this space. Here's the full Jersey Shore premiere, which really has to be seen to be believed ...

If we were residents of New Jersey, we'd probably be incredibly offended ... unless we were the types who had tanning beds in our homes. Then we'd be all for it.

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