John Mayer Denies Nailing Kristin Cavallari

John Mayer is a douchebag who is too obsessed with Twitter and himself.

We have to give him his due as a charitable guy, however, and reluctantly admit that some of his most recent Tweets are maybe a little bit funny.

The lame crooner took to Twitter to address rumors that he’s been "hooking up with Kristin Cavallari in secret" at the house of a mutual friend.

Here's how Mayer debunked that: “Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman... I have never high-fived Kristin Cavallari with my penis.”

That clears it up as well as one could expect. But he continues!

• “I’m sure she’s a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.”
• “I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.”
• “My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli.”

Okay John. That's enough. Go back to writing songs.

Despite tabloids' best efforts, John Mayer is not high-fiving Kristin Cavallari with his penis. Justin-Bobby Brescia will pretend to on The Hills soon enough, however.