Jessica Simpson: The New Queen of Pathetic

by at . Comments

Who does Jessica Simpson think she is, Jennifer Aniston?

Just when you thought Jen had the sad, lonely and pathetic title wrapped up, Jessica is making a quality run at the crown so far this year. Wow, things have gone from bad to worse for the alleged singer and actress, starting in January ...

Packin' on Pounds

Attempting to embark on a country music career for some reason, Jessica was "sad and hurt" after fat photos of her at the 99.9 KISS Country Chili Cookoff in Pembroke Pines, Fla., surfaced. Fat or not, those mom jeans are freaking atrocious.

A Touching Moment

A month later, Jessica "performed" on Good Morning America and hit a "technical snag." The next week, she forgot her own lyrics during what will forever be known as the meltdown in Grand Rapids. Well, to our staff members at least.

And One More Thing ...

Jessica signs on to do The Price of Beauty, a show that no one intends to watch, if it even airs features her traveling the world to examine what women do to feel pretty. Snooze. She should start with a series on her own lip injections.

Tony Romo and Jessica Pic

The night before her 29th birthday in July, Tony Romo dumped her, a heartbreaking move compounded by the fact that he's now dating Candice Crawford, which supposedly prompted her to seek out this douchebag for comfort. Sad.

Despite all of that, she at least had her beloved maltipoo, Daisy. Well, she did until this past week, when the pup was snatched by a coyote before her eyes. She held out hope that Daisy wasn't devoured, but finally accepted her fate.

Keep your pets leashed on walks, people.

Tags:

Jessica Simpson Biography

Not a Major Movie Star By Any Means
Sweet mother of G-d, Jessica Simpson has got some huge breasts. Holy frickin' $h!t. Look at those things! She also possesses a singing... More »
Born
Birthplace
Abilene, Texas
Full Name
Jessica Ann Simpson

Jessica Simpson Quotes

They're just the cutest couple in the world. They are adorable. Anybody would wish to be them and you can only wish them well. Just being around them inspires love and everything I sing about.

Jessica Simpson [on her sister and Pete Wentz]

It’s fun to do a small film that might be released to DVD not because it’s a horrible film, but because it’s an independent film. For people to say Employee of the Month was a flop is ludicrous. We made the money back–that’s not a flop. For people to say The Dukes of Hazzard was a flop–it opened to $30 million! If these movies are flops, why would I still make them?

Jessica Simpson