The Hills Recap: "Don't Cry On Your Birthday"

Last night's season premiere of The Hills kicked off with a bang - sort of literally in the case of Stephanie Pratt's ex-boyfriend, who pushed Spencer too far.

The Hollywood Gossip's recap will consist of awarding and deducting points as we see fit. Season Five began at Lauren Conrad's birthday party on a yacht, and Stephanie convincing Heidi she could come too, despite not being invited and stuff.

On to the rankings! Chime in with your own!

Audrina didn’t invite Justin-Bobby or Heidi to a surprise party for Lauren Conrad because she wanted to avoid drama. Plus 4 for being the rare voice of reason!

Minus 5 for Heidi being the worst liar ever and pathetically non-confrontational when telling Spencer her plans. But Plus 2 for his calling LC the "queen beeyotch" and describing his guys' night with just a techno beat - "nnts nnts nnts."

Minus 10 for instigator Stephanie Pratt's dishonesty and uselessness. Heidi did have reservations about coming, yet Steph lies and says it was all her idea. Weak sauce.

Spencer flirts with bartender Stacie at The Dime. He gets drunk and acts like a major tool, but this is completely in character and he does not care. Plus 6.

Stephanie's ex, Cameron, is present to witness Spencer's banter with Stacie, and texts Stephanie, who warns Heidi. We don't care if it's Spencer Pratt - what a d!ck move and blatant violation of the bro code, How I Met Your Mother style. Minus 7.

At the party, LC talked to Heidi, who rationalized that fighting is what boys do. Plus 4, because that is kind of totally true, and Plus 2 more for Lauren calling Spencer an a$$hole to her face, after which Heidi apologized for causing drama.

Spencer decided he was gonna go all Chris Brown on Cameron, and made good on that boast. Quite uncalled for, but Plus 5, because he landed like six good punches before getting thrown out, which is impressive, and the dude sort of had it coming.

Lauren to Heidi: “You were my best friend but you started dating this person who did really mean things to me. I don’t like him but I still love you.” Sniff. Plus 3.

Minus 2 for Stacie throwing Spencer under the bus when Heidi came around, then doing the same with the circumstances reversed! Shrewd, but a bit duplicitous.

Side note: Anyone know who makes the lipstick LC was wearing? We weren't huge fans of the color, but it held up throughout the weekly deluge of tears. Plus 5.

Heidi's mom, Darlene, really hates Spencer Pratt - and offers to set Heidi up with a high school ex named Colby! A noble thought, but Minus 4, because no way Colby even recognizes the silicone, duck-lipped Barbie doll Heidi has become.

Obligatory Brody Jenner sightings and dueling heart-to-hearts! Plus 4.

Lauren to Steph: “I think it was inappropriate for her to be there and if you were really my friend you would have been like, ‘Hey don’t go.’ You have to stop pushing [her] on me. It’s not fair.” A tough overdramatic, LC, but kind of true. Even.

TOTAL: +7! Not a bad season premiere for The Hills. Comment away!