Tonight's episode of The Bachelor features two hours of behind-the-scenes drama and hot-seat interviews with Jason Mesnick and more than a dozen vanquished women, including Jillian Harris, from this 13th season of the reality show.
Given The Bachelor spoilers everyone is talking about, this should be an interesting prelude to the "shocking" and "intimate" season finale(s) next week.
Oh, who are we kidding, we're totally going to watch. Better yet, we'll share our commentary with you throughout, and encourage you to do the same.
Refresh your browser every few minutes during the show - starting at 8 - to read our thoughts on The Bachelor, and leave comments of your own below!
Let's get to it, shall we ...
8:01 ... Free Britney: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand The Bachelor: The Women Tell Very Little and Only What ABC Feeds Them Via Cue Cards All is officially underway!
8:05 ... Hilton Hater: It's official: the Oscar telecast was shorter than this recap.
8:06 ... jillian_fan: How is it even possible that these women actually fall in love with him in such a short time. I hate how they all say "I love you."
8:07 ... Hilton Hater: The reunion show we won't wanna miss? We're already watching! Stop shilling for half a second, Chris!
8:10 ... Free Britney: Chris Harrison is a god.
8:12 ... jillian_fan: Jason is like, "Who was Megan again?"
8:13 ... Free Britney: The first highlight of the whole damn season is Jason's visit to the set of General Hospital? Give it up for cross-promotional marketing!
8:15 ... Hilton Hater: I'm sorry, ABC, did you just say Stephanie coped with her husband's death via The Bachelorette???
8:17 ... Hilton Hater: Can someone send the dove's wife a copy of last season's Bachelorette?
8:18 ... Hilton Hater: The lame joke store called, Chris ...
8:19 ... Free Britney: First base with Molly in the tent? That's it? I feel as if all of those crazy moaning sex noises must have been edited in or something ...
8:23 ... Hilton Hater: Golfing date with Molly? Insert obvious hole in one joke here.
8:24 ... Free Britney: The last time I took off my pants on the golf course, I ended up in the county jail. Then again I also drove off with one of the carts.
8:25 ... jillian_fan: [is already falling asleep]
8:26 ... Hilton Hater: Cut to Jason's adorable son, Ty. Side note: this is Denise Richards' favorite part of the show.
8:27 ... jillian_fan: Oh my God, enough with the General Hospital! [falls back asleep momentarily] Did he just say DJ Jay?
8:28 ... Hilton Hater: Man, it really must be uncomfortable to kiss with those noises going on... don't you agree, cameraman?
8:30 ... Free Britney: Chris is a giant liar.
8:31 ... Hilton Hater: Ryan likes kids and Trista says having a child is like "bringing a new world into your world." Thank goodness for this update.
8:33 ... jillian_fan: [awake, hyperventilating at Trista, Ryan and Maxwell] Oh my god, this is so cute! Look! Look, honey! Oh my God, look at Max! Look!!!!! Aww. She's so cute and pregnant. Do you hear what he's saying?! Look! Look!!!!!!
8:35 ... Free Britney: Charlie and Sarah? Oh, yes, so "successful."
8:36 ... jillian_fan: Charlie who? Now I feel like they're just killing time.
8:36 ... Hilton Hater: Has anyone out there been wondering what's been going on between Charlie and Sarah? Anyone? Anyone at all??
8:37 ... Hilton Hater: Wait... drinking??? I take it back. More Charlie and Sarah!
8:38 ... Free Britney: Ooh, you two are "working on" your relationship? There "may" be an engagement in the future? Way to go out on a limb there, Charlie.
8:38 ... Hilton Hater: It's been way too long, Chris? ABC execs and that season's 0.7 rating may disagree with you.
8:39 ... Free Britney: Chris totally forced Trista to pick Melissa Rycroft.
8:44 ... jillian_fan: This is ridiculous.
8:45 ... Free Britney: Jesse Csincsak sighting! Holly Durst sighting! Threesome reference!
8:46 ... Hilton Hater: For a show titled "The Women Tell All," the women have so far told... nothing. Literally.
8:46 ... Free Britney: Wow, Hilton Hater, you are totally right.
8:47 ... jillian_fan: Oh, Fred was annoying. No, Fred was nice. Right? Wait, which one's Fred. Is he Chicago accent guy? Oh my God, I am barfing. I am going to throw up.
8:50 ... Hilton Hater: This is an incredible waste of television.
8:51 ... Free Britney: Do we have any cookies?
8:52 ... jillian_fan: You ate them all.
8:53 ... Free Britney: The show is about to start ... 53 minutes later!
8:54 ... jillian_fan: Wait ... who's Erica? Who's Jackie? Who's Kari? Who's Nikki? I don't remember any of these people... Yayyy, Jillian!
8:55 ... Hilton Hater: Did Chris just use air quotes when he said ladies? He should have.
8:57 ... Free Britney: How many Bachelor contestants do you think Chris has nailed career?
8:58 ... Hilton Hater: Half a dozen, easy.
8:59 ... Free Britney: "She is abrasive and loud ... needs attention." - Stephanie on Lauren. Pretty much sums up The Bachelor as a whole, really!
9:00 ... jillian_fan: Honestly I have no idea what they're talking about.
9:09 ... Free Britney: Does anyone really care what Natalie has to say? Why don't they just put Molly on... Wait, Molly and Melissa aren't going to be on this special? Why are we even watching? Why is ABC even airing this?
9:10 ... Hilton Hater: Natalie is officially applying for Most Bitter Bachelorette, ABC's new reality series.
9:11 ... Free Britney: Who describes herself as the laid-back, fun-loving girl who likes clothes? She also seems to like spray-on tanning products.
9:12 ... jillian_fan: This girl is terrible.
9:13 ... jillian_fan: Try to play the mature route? That makes no sense!
9:14 ... Free Britney: You just got owned by Chris, Nat.
9:15 ... Hilton Hater: That was a 23-second conversation about whether or not Natalie got angry over being splashed.
9:21 ... Free Britney: Mmm. Jillian IS cute.
9:22 ... jillian_fan: That's enough.
9:23 ... Free Britney: Falling in love for the first time in your whole life, Jill? This is reality TV! This is a joke, right? So em-OH-tional, eh?
9:25 ... jillian_fan: This is sad.
9:27 ... Free Britney: Chris said Jason dropped the "friend card" on Jillian. Not to be confused with the fantasy suite card, apparently.
9:29 ... jillian_fan: Just say no (to The Bachelorette), Jillian!
9:35 ... Free Britney: You know, you should really run some more advertisements, ABC. You have to pay for this programming somehow, and we definitely haven't seen enough Dancing with the Stars promos yet.
9:38 ... Free Britney: Jillian tried to put Jason Mesnick in his place while he's on the hot seat... until he counters with the friend card yet again! Ohhh, snap! Then dissing their first kiss with her so hard? Step off, Jill. Step. Off.
9:40 ... Free Britney: Who invited Naomi to this thing?
9:43 ... jillian_fan: They've shown these scenes like 12 times.
9:49 ... Free Britney: Loving the Melissa retrospective. She's totally going to win. She's totally the most beautiful girl he's EVER seen ...
9:52 ... jillian_fan: ... except for Molly.
9:54 ... Free Britney: What makes the perfect Bachelor? We are that strapped for material at this point? Wow. It is safe to say I am now sufficiently dumber for having sat through the past two hours. Time to go drink.