THE HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP NOTE: We're switching up our format for recapping The Hills. After a brief rundown of events, our staff will grade each episode, awarding (or deducting) points for the funniest, cheesiest (and most fake) moments.
To sum up, Heidi's mom, Darlene Montag, pays a visit to L.A. from Colorado and is dismayed to learn that Heidi is living with Spencer Pratt again.
Doug Reinhardt throws a party where his shadiness re: Stephanie Pratt becomes a topic of debate. Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner get on his case.
On to the rankings!
"If you're friends with your girl, you don't go out with an ex - unless you get the stamp of approval," says Lauren Conrad's trainer as she punches his raised palms at the gym. Right. We're sure he cares. Most rehearsed line ever. Minus 2.
After claiming she and Doug Reinhardt aren't dating, and she deleted his number from her phone, Stephanie tells LC she's still going to go to Doug's BBQ, claiming she RSVP'd "weeks ago before I was even friends with him." Ummm, what? You gotta love blatantly lying to your friend AND four million viewers. Plus 3.
Darlene Montag comes to L.A. unannounced? Really? That's not exactly a quick trip. And Spencer doesn't appear surprised to see her for a second, transitioning instantly into irritable, lazy jackass mode. Very suspicious, Hills. Minus 4.
Wearing jewelry, Lauren and Whitney Port look more glamourous at the gym than most girls do on dates. This is, strangely, the norm for them. Plus 1.
On a similar note, Heidi Montag is wearing full-on clubbing / prostitute makeup while sitting around the apartment. Minus 3.
Later, Spencer Pratt actually leaves the apartment! Plus 2.
Whitney Port's sunglasses cover 75 percent of her face. Minus 1. But Plus 1 for them actually showing Whitney outside of work for a change.During lunch, Spencer refers to Heidi's mom, condescendingly, as "My Dear." When she suggests he and Heidi are moving too fast, he asks "What planet are you living on?" Her reactions prove this wasn't scripted - he's really that big of an ass! Plus 10.
Brief Justin-Bobby sighting! What a loser. Minus 1.
The first song played is Britney Spears' new single, "Womanizer." Plus 4. And props to those of you who chose Doug Reinhardt in yesterday's Hills poll!
As always, the deluge of ads by MTV on this show is mind-numbingly annoying. Minus only 1, though, because it's actually been much worse in the past.
Amid all the drama at Doug's, Lo Bosworth just sits there silently, pouting and looking like she wants to gouge her own eyes out. Vintage Lo. Plus 4.
Anyone else see the effing fleet of black Range Rovers with tinted windows outside Doug's house in Hollywood? Hope he got a fat signing bonus, 'cause with his .201 average, that Major League salary ain't comin' anytime soon. Minus 2.
Brody Jenner's unyielding resentment of Stephanie Pratt is really unhealthy, yet for someone who was her childhood friend, totally believable. Plus 5.
Frankie Delgado was on hand, but had no lines. Come on, MTV. He must have offered sage advice (or professed his love for Brody) at some point. Minus 3.
The scene where Lauren and Brody harass Doug about the Stephanie situation was not only hilarious, but all too realistic. Dudes, especially those who are basically harmless, always think they can do whatever they want. They proceed to get self-righteous and indignant when called out on it - especially by other dudes. Plus 5.
TOTAL: +18! A great episode of The Hills, the kind that reminds you why we watch this ridiculous "reality" show in the first place. We seriously hope that in upcoming episodes, Stephanie Pratt decides to date Stephen Colletti.