Excerpts From Lynne Spears' Memoir

As we reported yesterday, Lynne Spears - mom of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears - is coming out with a new book about raising train wrecks parenting.

This shameless attempt to cash in would give even Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag pause. We can only imagine the wisdom she'll dispense.

Here are some excerpts The Hollywood Gossip would love to read ...

• A key to raising a famous daughter is to replace breast milk with coffee. The instant addiction to caffeine will result in future, 1 am Starbucks runs that can be caught by paparazzi. Cha. Ching.

• When Britney signed with Jive Records, I rewarded myself for all my hard work by signing the lease on a Range Rover.

• Note to mothers whose untalented, teen daughters can only make news by getting pregnant: a thumb tack to a condom works every time!

• I don't understand why people struggle coming up with baby names. You have a name, right? Your husband has a name? Voila!

• Justin Timberlake seemed more interested in a legitimate music career than getting wasted ay Hyde every night. Naturally, he had to go.

• Early on, I learned that Britney and Jamie Lynn will say okay to anything if you push them hard enough... and that OK! will pay for the story.

• They say that people can't be trusted; but I've learned that People will shell out big bucks for crotch shots of my daughter.

• Always keep In Touch...'s phone number by your bed. You never know when you need to alert them to your child's drunken whereabouts.

• If Britney got tired in the studio, I'd remind her that no one ever bought their mom three mansions working a 9-to-5 job.

• I haven't seen Bryan commenting on the lives of his sisters in public in months. Where did I go wrong with that boy??

• Never lose touch with your small-town roots. But flaunting your newfound wealth around said small town never hurt anybody.

• They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. But what are a thousand words about my daughter's naked pictures worth? Think about it.

• I don't see what the big deal was over O.J. Simpson's book If I Did It. Shouldn't the murderer profit from his own work? It would be akin to Britney not receiving any royalties from Oops, I Did It Again.

• Part of me felt Sam Lutfi was bad news, but he did such a great job of keeping Britney in the news, so I came to terms with it.

• On one hand, Adnan Ghalib looked like a terrorist. On the other hand, his continual talk of a sex tape with Britney kept the money flowing.

• Jayden James and Sean Preston are so cute - and just imagine when they grow old enough to give interviews to celebrity gossip magazines!

• Britney needed to let loose and go have some fun after splitting with Kevin. Who better to welcome her back to the club scene than Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton? P.S. Dina is the best!