The Sports Gal Speaks: Katie Holmes is a Robot

by at . Comments

Curious how The Sports Gal - wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons - feels about Katie Holmes? She's happy to tell you:

Katie Holmes is now a robot. I always liked her acting and enjoyed her work on Dawson's Creek, although that show is never on anymore because the Scientologists destroyed the tapes so we'd forget old Katie and embrace Jackie O. Model 3000 XT.

Cruisin' For Bad Hair

Three years ago, Bill called me from a Super Bowl party because he'd been waiting to use a locked Port-O-Potty and Katie was the one who came out of it. Bill was excited because it made her seem more "attainable" - I think this pissed me off and we ended up getting into a fight. (Why do guys say things like that?) Although I did admire her for using a port-o-potty.

Now, she'd never dare walk into a Port-O-Potty -- not because she's a snob, but because robots don't pee or poop.

She probably goes to a Scientology Jiffy Lube and gets her oil changed once a year and she's good to go.

Anyhoo, the [recent Good Morning America] interview bothered me because Katie once had a playful personality that I liked. Now she answers questions in a careful monotone and peppers her sentences with words like "lovely" and "wonderful" and "beautiful."

She's about 6 months away from developing a British accent like Madonna did. What really bothered me was when she talked about how "creative" [Suri Cruise] is. She's not even two! What does she create, dirty diapers? Nothing inspires creativity like having a mom who talks like a robot.

"That's a beautiful Playdoh lump you made, Suri. It's wonderful. It's so lovely."

Tags: ,
Avatar

Since I met first Katie the first time on bikermingle.com, I have been loving her. She is so great. I with she is more and more popular

Avatar

I sure hate $cientology! I know some former friends who got involved in the cult and now they don't even know who I am! What a frigging brainwashing CULT!

Katie Holmes Biography

Tom Kat Pic Yes, that's actually Katie Holmes. KMart style! The former Dawson's Creek star is the current fashion disaster / brainwashed zombie wife... More »
Born
Birthplace
Toledo, Ohio
Full Name
Kate Noelle Holmes

Katie Holmes Quotes

"Becoming a mother has been the most amazing experience—in an instant you become strong. You have to be a little bit wiser; it's the most important job you have in the world."

Katie Holmes [on being a mom]

"As a woman, you make the transition from being singe to [being] a partner. I have a teammate."

Katie Holmes [on married life]
x Close Ad