Tale of the Tape: Heidi Montag vs. Hillary Clinton

The Hollywood Gossip staff is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world you probably never considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

The Hills' Spencer Pratt, who's taking political science classes at USC, says: "I'm gonna run for governor. If Arnold Schwarzenegger can be governor of California, then Spencer Pratt can be the governor of California. [Heidi Montag] would be a great first lady!"

Delusions of grandeur? Let's see how Heidi Montag stacks up against a former first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, in a 10-round bout. Ding, ding!

1. RESIDENCE

Heidi Montag: Hollywood, California
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Chappaqua, New York
Edge: Hillary

2. EXPERIENCE

Heidi Montag: Former student at Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising (dropped out), intern at Bolthouse Productions.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Holds degrees from Wellesley College and Yale Law School, served two terms as First Lady, in second term in U.S. Senate
Edge: Hillary

3. FAVORITE CLUBS

Heidi Montag: Area, Hyde, Les Deux
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Senate Judiciary Committee
Edge: Hillary

4. CAREER ASPIRATIONS

Heidi Montag: Becoming U.S. President
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Singing, acting
Edge: Even

5. HATERS' AMMO

Heidi Montag: New fake boobs, Spencer Pratt, really annoying voice
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Flip-flopping, carpetbagging, abrasive personality
Edge: Heidi

6. LOVES TO BITCH OUT ...

Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Conservatives
Edge: Hillary

7. SCANDALS LINKED TO

Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad sex tape
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Whitewater
Edge: Heidi

8. RIGHT HAND MAN SUCKS ...

Heidi Montag: At everything
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Cigars
Edge: Hillary

9. OBAMA IS ...

Heidi Montag: A good way to describe her future music career
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Her chief competition
Edge: Hillary

10. PLANS FOR IRAQ

Heidi Montag: Paying a plastic surgeon to enhance hers
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Phased withdrawal of the troops
Edge: Hillary

THE VERDICT: Hillary steamrolls Heidi, 7.5-2.5, en rote to securing the Democratic nomination. Or at least Hollywood Gossip glory on this day.