Nicole Kidman On Oscars, Kurban, Tom Cruise

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In the new edition of Vanity Fair, cover story Nicole Kidman reveals a side seldom seen - lonely, insecure, lost, and enigmatic.

"From the minute Tom and I were married, I wanted to have babies," Kidman, 40 (and 22 when she met Tom Cruise), tells Vanity Fair. "And we lost a baby early on, so that was really very traumatic. And that's when we would adopt [daughter] Isabella," now 14.

Nicole goes on to say, "There's a complicated background to that, given that I never speak much about many things. One day maybe that story will be told."

Two years later, the Cruises (who were to divorce in 2001, after nearly 10 years of marriage) adopted son Connor Cruise, now 12.

Asked how it felt when she won her 2003 Best Actress Academy Award, for The Hours, Kidman says, "It felt big. It felt lonely and big. You're in a hotel and you're like, okay well, I'm sitting in this big suite with an Oscar, and I still don't have a life. What is wrong with me? It hit home that I needed to get a life. Who do I jump on the bed with, and celebrate with, and order pancakes with?"

She adds, "That was painful, not having that person to share it with. That's why it was more for my mom and dad and my kids. But even the kids were young enough that they were like, 'Oh, cool. Over. Move on. Not interested.' "

It was not until a 2005 Australian promotional event in Los Angeles that Nicole Kidman met country star - and Queensland native - Keith Urban.

"I would probably say two lonely people managed to meet at a time when they could open themselves to each other," she says. "We were frightened and brave."

They married in June 2006; four months later, Keith was in rehab.

"It was just another twist in my life: Here it goes. Hold on, and off we go!" she says of Urban's treatment.

"But it was very painful, deeply painful. We were in a very, very, very bad, painful place, and have managed to step through it, and I hope that gives some people some hope who may be in the same place. And that's enough said. Anything else is overindulgent and unnecessary right now. And I think it jinxes it, in a way, and that's why I don't go on about my enormous feelings for this man."

Still, Kidman - who admits she's "yearning" to give birth, and that Urban "has been getting there slowly" - also says, "I've learned an enormous amount having a relationship with someone who is in recovery. I'm more than willing to walk it with him. The two of us are very committed to our relationship."

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