Dina Lohan Sucks, Says Lindsay is Staying in Rehab

You've missed celebrity gossip updates about Lindsay Lohan, haven't you?

Go on, admit that you can't stand this booze hound of a skank... yet also can't wait to see what she'll do next.

According to her evil mother, Dina Lohan, here's the answer: nothing. Contrary to reports stating otherwise, the Firecrotch Queen will not be leaving the Cirque Lodge rehab program in Utah this weekend.

People magazine reports that Dina emailed Access Hollywood this week with the breaking news that her daughter is "staying in Utah."

For those that think Kiefer Suhterland is the first star to drive drunk, don't forget: Lindsay's treatment at the facility began last month, following her early morning July 24 arrest in Santa Monica on suspicion of DUI after a brief car chase.

From there, a small amount of cocaine was found on the ex-sexual partner of (deep breath now...) Calum Best, Harry Morton, Jude Law, Criss Angel, AJ Lamas, James Blunt and many others.

Immediately after she was booked, her attorney blabbered on about how Lohan had "relapsed" and was receiving "medical care."