The Sports Gal Offers Career Advice to Lindsay Lohan

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With Lindsay Lohan nude photos rumored to be floating around the Internet - and adult film actress Paulina James prepared to portray the troubled star in an upcoming movie - the next logical career step for this Firecrotch Queen seems obvious:

Just suck it up and get into the porn business.

With a pair of DUI arrests on her record, it's not like Lindsay has any respectable future ahead of her anyway, right?

Wrong, says The Sports Gal. Here's what the wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons has to say about the next choice of movies for Lohan:

"Lindsay doesn't need porn. She needs to copy what [Angelina Jolie] did and play a role close to herself, that's how she can turn her career around. Nobody wants to see her in a romantic comedy because she's too messed up and nobody wants to see her in a horror movie because we'd just root for her to get killed.

When Angelina was struggling, she did Girl, Interrupted and played a mental patient with drug problems who cut herself and acted crazy.

It wasn't exactly a stretch.

Lindsay needs to do that, something close to home, like a promiscuous alcoholic with low self-esteem and a drug problem who likes to drive drunk, chain-smoke and pretend that her breasts aren't fake - then, her life is turned upside down when she gets sent to jail for her 14th DUI and she ends up feuding with a group of skinhead prisoners who resent her because of her beautiful red hair, which they end up shaving before she joins a rival Kabbalah group and finds the strength to kill the Skinheads to survive.

I would go see this movie, and [Bill Simmons] would probably go too because there would definitely be a shower scene."

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Actually Lindsay's not a good actress or singer anymore. Walking around in a zombie daze and mumbling liberal crap, frowning intensely, wild eye screaming profanity and perfoming sex acts and stripping like a pro is not acting. If she was superb once in her career, it wouldn't matter now with her sorry beat down reputation as a trouble-making uneducated slutty drug machine. If she really wants to perform she should try stage acting until she matures, heals and gets her head straight. That might take years as you just don't bounce back from so long a time on drugs and booze and who knows what else that might have killed millions of brain cells and harmed vital organs!