The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity gossip world that you might never have considered⦠because they are entirely pointless, and above all, not real.
Heidi Montag is a goddess⦠at least as far as Spencer Pratt is concerned. But how does she match up to the King of Kings, Jesus Christ Himself? Does The Hills star stand a chance in a grueling 10-round bout? There's only one way to find out.
1. HUMBLE ORIGINS
Heidi Montag: Crested Butte, Colorado
Jesus: Nazareth, Northern Israel
Edge: Jesus
2. APOSTLES
Heidi Montag: Jordan Eubanks, Spencer Pratt
Jesus: Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, James, Matthew, Simon, Thaddeus, Judas
Edge: Jesus
3. FOLLOWERS
Heidi Montag: One million per episode
Jesus: 2.1 billion worldwide
Edge: Jesus
4. BIGGEST ADVERSARY
Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad
Jesus: The Prince of Darkness
Edge: Heidi Montag
5. MIRACLES OF NOTE
Heidi Montag: Accepted into the Academy of Art University and the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, made her boobs larger
Jesus: Walked on water, turned water into wine, fed thousands with two loaves of bread and five fish, rose from the grave
Edge: Jesus
6. SIGNATURE LOOK
Heidi Montag: Overpriced designer chic
Jesus: Turn of the (1st) century retro
Edge: Jesus
7. TRADES
Heidi Montag: Intern and event planner at Bolthouse Productions, reality TV star, aspiring singer and actress
Jesus: Carpenter, messenger of God
Edge: Jesus
8. WORDS OF WISDOM
Heidi Montag: "I feel like, 2006 was, like, a hard year for friendship." - Season 2 of The Hills
Jesus: "Truly, truly, I say to you, He who believes in me will also do the works that I do; and Greater Works than These will he do." - John 14:12
Edge: Even
9. CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Heidi Montag: Appears on reality show, gets into the cool clubs like Les Deux, may pose nude in Playboy, has become celebrity gossip mainstay
Jesus: Died for our sins
Edge: Jesus
10. WILL RETURNâ¦
Heidi Montag: Later this summer in Season 3 of The Hills
Jesus: Someday
Edge: Heidi Montag
THE SKINNY: Sorry, Heidi. As much as you aspire to fame and fortune, you can't play with the big boys. Christ takes it in an 7.5 - 2.5 rout.
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