Tale of the Tape: Heidi Montag vs. Jesus

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The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity gossip world that you might never have considered… because they are entirely pointless, and above all, not real.

Heidi Montag is a goddess… at least as far as Spencer Pratt is concerned. But how does she match up to the King of Kings, Jesus Christ Himself? Does The Hills star stand a chance in a grueling 10-round bout? There's only one way to find out.

Jesus

1. HUMBLE ORIGINS

Heidi Montag: Crested Butte, Colorado
Jesus: Nazareth, Northern Israel
Edge: Jesus

2. APOSTLES

Heidi Montag: Jordan Eubanks, Spencer Pratt
Jesus: Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, James, Matthew, Simon, Thaddeus, Judas
Edge: Jesus

3. FOLLOWERS

Heidi Montag: One million per episode
Jesus: 2.1 billion worldwide
Edge: Jesus

4. BIGGEST ADVERSARY

Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad
Jesus: The Prince of Darkness
Edge: Heidi Montag

5. MIRACLES OF NOTE

Heidi Montag: Accepted into the Academy of Art University and the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, made her boobs larger
Jesus: Walked on water, turned water into wine, fed thousands with two loaves of bread and five fish, rose from the grave
Edge: Jesus

6. SIGNATURE LOOK

Heidi Montag: Overpriced designer chic
Jesus: Turn of the (1st) century retro
Edge: Jesus

7. TRADES

Heidi Montag: Intern and event planner at Bolthouse Productions, reality TV star, aspiring singer and actress
Jesus: Carpenter, messenger of God
Edge: Jesus

8. WORDS OF WISDOM

Heidi Montag: "I feel like, 2006 was, like, a hard year for friendship." - Season 2 of The Hills
Jesus: "Truly, truly, I say to you, He who believes in me will also do the works that I do; and Greater Works than These will he do." - John 14:12
Edge: Even

9. CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Heidi Montag: Appears on reality show, gets into the cool clubs like Les Deux, may pose nude in Playboy, has become celebrity gossip mainstay
Jesus: Died for our sins
Edge: Jesus

10. WILL RETURN…

Heidi Montag: Later this summer in Season 3 of The Hills
Jesus: Someday
Edge: Heidi Montag

THE SKINNY: Sorry, Heidi. As much as you aspire to fame and fortune, you can't play with the big boys. Christ takes it in an 7.5 - 2.5 rout.

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