Lindsay Lohan is a Suicidal, Drug-Using Lesbian That Gropes Breasts

Granted, The Hollywood Gossip isn't the biggest Lindsay Lohan fan in the world.

But we actually aren't responsible for any of the accusations levied in the headline above.

That's how Lee Weaver, a former bodyguard to the Firecrotch queen, described his ex-client. In an interview with British tabloid News of the World, Weaver expressed amazement at Lohan's ways.

"I have looked after some of the wildest stars in Hollywood â€" but never anyone as out of control as Lindsay is," he said. "She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I've met."

Weaver obviously hadn't met Paul Sculfor during his wilder days.

But he did go into detail of other crazy Lindsay Lohan experiences:

• She once snorted cocaine for ten straight hours with Nicole Richie.
• She slashed her wrists with knives, her wrists with knives, sobbing that she "didn't belong on this planet."
• She enjoyed frenzied lesbian romps with scores of girls she picked up at parties â€" and even made a play for Mariah Carey by groping her breasts once.

Could Weaver have made all this up? Do we really feel bad for Lindsay is the second bullet point is true? Yes and yes.

But it's even more of a reason why Dina Lohan sucks as a mother and should focus more on her daughter than her own time in the spotlight.