As you await DNA tests to determine whether or not you're the father of a very famous baby, who better to offer advice than the mother of Tori Spelling?
With that in mind, consider how fortunate Larry Birkhead must feel to have received the following letter from Candy Spelling. After months of pleadings and tragedies, the former lover of Anna Nicole Smith will finally be crowned the daddy of Dannielynn once the test results are announced tomorrow.
In the meantime, TMZ has unearthed this surreal correspondence:
As the court appearance that will change your life approaches, I am stepping into my role as a celebrity-by-association to share some experiences with you.
1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.
* The Hollywood Gossip note: Britney Spears can confirm this
2) Fans/autograph seekers: Hollywood lives in fear of being yesterday's celebrity and ending up with an autograph languishing on eBay for days with no bids. If people want many copies, if they don't want you to personalize it, and/or they ask for Anna Nicole's name as part of your signature, nicely decline. If you slip and do see your autograph on sale, have a good friend bid more than 99 cents to buy it.
3) The lawyers: You've already found out that you have turned from man to cash machine. Lawyers aren't the only ones who will see you that way, especially if you are Dannielynn's biological father. The good news is that someone who presents you with a bill for $620,492.84 must think you have a good case. The bad news is that you will need more lawyers to fight the legal bills. My advice: Negotiate in advance, and put in a clause against expenses for lawyers, spouses, meals or laundry.
I wish you success in court on Tuesday, but beware:
There's never enough preparation for "celebrity." I'll never get used to tour buses and cameras outside my house every day, reporters analyzing my grocery choices, and bloggers [like Perez Hilton] pretending to know more about my family than I do; but I do have a good life. Yours can be, too. Just remember that celebrity and/or money mean that nothing will ever be the same - and act accordingly.
All the best,