Stephen Colbert Puts Laguna Beach, Sanjaya's Hair, Salma Hayek's Fiance, Heather Mills' Leg On Notice

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Once again, the incomparable Stephen Colbert has taken the time out of his hit Comedy Central show, The Colbert Report, to tackle more important issues. It's been a hell of a week. Who (and what) makes the latest edition of the "On Notice" board? Let's see...

It's impossible to argue with his selections. Divorce settlements are bad news all around (talking to you, Britney). And what's with everybody's fiancee getting knocked up before walking down the aisle? It's not just for Keri Russell and Amanda Peet anymore. Everybody's doing it this way. Was there some memo we didn't get?

As for the rest of the list...

  • It's the hair. What else could possibly keep Sanjaya Malakar on American Idol? Watching the guy is raw pain. Yet he stays. Every week. As our ears bleed. Literally.
  • We get it. Heather Mills has a prosthetic leg, yet is on a reality show about dancing! Amazing! Enough. Shouldn't science get the credit for making this possible, not the gold-digging former call girl?
  • Mortgage lenders are paying the price for issuing many thousands of home loans to borrowers with bad credit. If your credit is so poor that you can't qualify for low mortgage rates, should you really be buying a house at all? Think about it.
  • François-Henri Pinault, if you don't treat Salma Hayek right, we will end you.
  • What is it with Laguna Beach graduates and getting arrested? First Jason Wahler (x3), now Jessica Smith. This town should hire one of its less troubled alums, Lauren Conrad, to conduct an anti-DUI seminar.
  • Everyone's trying the pink hair thing. Scarlett Johansson. Kelis. Rachel McAdams. Joss Stone. In a word, it looks really friggin' lame. Get a life! Pink (the singer, not the color) is rolling in her grave.
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