by Mischalova at . Comments

Kim Kardashian nude? Wake us when she's actually dressed.

Heather Mills nude? Please don't frighten us like that.

Lee Kirk

Tricia Helfer nude? Now we're paying attention.

The point is that numerous celebrities take off their clothes. Some do it for money. Some do it for attention. Some do it because they're alcoholic skanks named Lindsay Lohan. But there's one star we never would've guessed would get naked:

Jenna Fischer.

As Pam, the conservative, reserved receptionist on The Office, Fisher is cute in the girl-next-door-you-wish-to-hold-hands-with sort of way. Not the Antonella Barba nude-and-on-her-knees sort of way.

Granted, the actress isn't exactly showing any skin here. So Jim doesn't need to worry that his long-time love is changing her ways. Still, the cover shot comes as a surprise. Who's next to get nude, Kendra Jade?!?

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Perez Hilton writes about celebrities on his blog, supplementing seriously lame jokes with crude illustrations scrawled on copyrighted photos he doesn't pay for or cite.

So naturally, his birthday party this weekend was, like, a big deal.

Perez Hilton Picture

Not as big as Melanie Brown. But big.

The quote-unquote Gossip Gangsta, who gets sued a lot, actually drew some pretty big stars for his b-day bash, held at the SoCal hotspot, The Roxy.

He celebrated the 29th anniversary of him not dying wth the likes of Paris Hilton, John Stamos (really), buddies Amy Winehouse, Kelly Osbourne and Dita Von Teese Friday.

Fortunately (for them), other stars had bigger and better plans.

Mark McGrath, Cheryl Burke and fellow Dancing With the Stars phenom Joey Fatone opted to party at Hyde, while the luscious Lindsay Lohan was spotted leaving Teddy's blasting Nelly Furtado's "Give it to Me."

We can only assume that "Buttons" (by the Pussycat Dolls) and "I Wanna F*%k You" (Akon feat. Snoop Dogg) are also on Lindsay Lohan's iPod playlist.

Anyway, happy birthday Perez, you tool. For what it's worth, we were a lot more jazzed about Kevin Federline's birthday party in Vegas. Sucka.

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Jessica Simpson gets pumped by John Mayer, if you know what we're saying. We're saying they probably have the sex (no one dates her for her personality).

Well, before a trip to Jessica Simpson's love nest, Mayer practiced a different kind of pumping - dispensing petroleum byproducts into his phat ryde.

Holdin' Hands

The price of gas there in Santa Monica ($3.09/gallon) might give most of us a heart attack, but Mayer needs to get oiled up, if you know what we're saying. Forget it.

It's nice to see that he can handle the task himself, though. Mischa Barton would be so proud... and Oprah would no doubt be envious.

One wonders what the expression on his face suggests, however. Are the jugs of motor oil he's holding conjuring up images of Jessica Simpson's jugs?

Probably not. But that is some rack. Damn. Come on, those things are big. They're the current frontrunner in our celebrity boobs poll, in fact!

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In a recent analysis of Brangelina, all four children were picked apart and defined by their age. But what about the heads of the household?

Specifically, Angelina Jolie and her recent weight issues?

The Nanny Tells All

James Haven says that his sister has lost her famous curves because she is still mourning the death of their mother, who passed away in January.

"Angie has become very thin because she's grieving," Haven told the British publication The Mail on Sunday. "It's even difficult for her to eat. I keep saying to her, 'Don't forget to eat.'"

Marcheline Bertrand provided stability in her children's lives after separating from Jon Voight in 1976, shortly after Angelina's birth. As a result, her passing has been particularly hard on Haven and Jolie.

"But you know she doesn't pay much attention to food anyway and she's been going through a process of grief like me," Haven said.

"She has not wanted to eat, nor has she been able to."

We know it sounds like he was referring to Keira Knightley, but Jolie is still the focus here.

Part of the reason for the new mom of Pax Thien has a loss of appetite may stem from the fact that she associates cooking with her mother's memory.

"There was very much that home feeling when we came back from school," Haven said. "Angie and I would walk in and comment on how we could smell things cooking and baking in the kitchen.

"Or she'd be in the middle of cooking and pick up a carrot and teach us about the vegetable or the fruit so that it was visual as well. Angie is now the same with her kids."

Indeed, you'll never be able to fool Maddox or Shiloh Nouvel into thinking a cucumber is a watermelon. Just go ahead and try it.

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It's tough to impress Martha Stewart. That old hag is a hard nut to crack.

But pregnant actress Bridget Moynahan was able to do just that.

Bridget Moynahan Nude

"Now wouldn't you like to look like that?" Stewart asked her studio audience while taping an interview with Moynahan airing Monday. "What month are you in?"

"This week [it'll be] five months," said the 35-year-old Six Degrees star, who announced in February that she's expecting her first child with ex-boyfriend Tom Brady.

"Five months pregnant!" Stewart said. "Are you excited about being a mom?"

"I am. I'm a little nervous, 'cause I haven't done it before," Moynahan replied. "But, you know, I have little nephews, and it's always nice to spend time with them, especially around the holidays."

Moynahan and the hot New England Patriots quarterback broke up last year after spending more than three years together.

He's since moved on to Gisele Bundchen, but rumors that the Brazilian model is also preggers by Brady are false.

A spokesperson for the football star said last month: "Tom and his family are excited about the pregnancy."

And a friend of Moynahan's said that the actress is in great spirits, and is "so excited about the pregnancy - she knows she'll be a great mom."

Well then. Sounds like a lot of excitement all around... and we're not talking about the kind experienced on the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

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While estranged wife Britney Spears worked on her dance moves back in Los Angeles, Kevin Federline celebrated his 29th birthday over the weekend in Las Vegas with his kids... and ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson.

Returning three weeks after a visit there with the kids while Spears was in rehab, FedEx arrived in town Friday afternoon with sons Sean Preston, 18 months, and Jayden James, six months.

Britney Spears Having Sex

After checking into Caesars Palace, Kevin Federline spent the remainder of the afternoon relaxing in the VIP cabana at Caesars' Venus Pool Club, a private, somewhat hidden topless pool adjacent to the public pool.

The birthday bash kicked off Saturday night, with the now-29-year-old K-Fed starting his evening at Social House, dining on Asian fare with 14 of his closest friends and family by his side.

But apparently that wasn't enough for him.

"He was talking on the phone and texting the whole time," said a source.

Later, Federline made his way to Caesars' Pure Nightclub, where his ex, Shar Jackson, was already present. Sadly, Jason Alexander was a no-show.

"As soon as his parents got to the club they immediately went to Shar's table on the other side of the club and hung out there for a while," a source says. "They were taking photos with her and catching up. It's pretty easy to see that they still care about her."

Meanwhile, a well-dressed Federline was clearly having a good time, hanging with his group and singing along to most of the music.

Drinking Jack Daniel's, Federline was rollin' VIP, hanging out in the VIP area most the night, waving to the crowd as they yelled for him.

At 2:30 a.m., Jackson returned to Federline's table to dance with his folks. Federline then grabbed the mic and said to the crowd:

"'My entire family came out for my birthday. My brothers are here, my mother, my father, my sister and even my ex, Shar Jackson, came out for this.'"

Eloquent, K-Fed. Eloquent.

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Making her first public appearance since rehab, Britney Spears took a dance class and enjoyed a sushi dinner with her girlfriends.

Spears took a one-hour hip-hop class at the Millennium Dance Complex in North Hollywood - this after lying low since checking out of rehab at Malibu's Promises treatment facility on Tuesday.

Kevin Federline and Britney Spears Photo

Wearing nude fishnet stockings with dance boots, black hot pants, a black shirt and a baseball cap over a wig, Spears rolled in with her bitch assistant and bodyguards to take an advanced-level hip-hop class with instructor Darrien Henning.

"The minute she walked in, she basically lit up the room," Henning said. "I had no idea she was coming, so I was shocked."

Surprisingly, Jason Filyaw did not accompany her.

Spears, whom Henning described as looking "fantastic," quietly took a spot in the back of the about 30-person class at the studio's "Dome."

"She did the choreography really well," Henning said, adding, "In fact, she came in and nailed it."

Just like Isaac Cohen did a few months back. Eh?

And the pop star's presence in class seemed to serve as an inspiration: "All my students tried harder to get on their game," Henning said.

Hopefully her stretch of going clubbing commando late last year inspire a whole host of celebs to get on their game in that regard, as well.

Returning to the studio is a homecoming of sorts for Spears, says Millennium Dance Complex owner Robert Baker, who counts Spears as one of his star clients.

"She also comes in to scope talent," he said. "More than once she's hired our teachers to choreograph for her."

We wonder if Brian Friedman is employed there.

Spears then headed to Bel Air fusion Japanese eatery SHU Sushi House Unico to meet up with three girlfriends at around 10 p.m. The four women dined at a table near a window at the front of the restaurant.

Upon leaving, Spears smiled at waiting photographers and gave a friendly wave before heading home alone at about 11:30 p.m.

On Sunday, Spears made another outing - this one presumably not as much fun. She paid a visit to a hospital to see a dentist, her rep says.

But it's nothing serious, says the rep: "At worst, it's a toothache."

At least it's a real problem, unlike made-up nonsense like hypoglycemia.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Anna Nicole Smith died of "an accidental overdose with no other criminal element present," Seminole Police Department Chief Charlie Tiger announced at a press conference in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., Monday.

He said the police conducted a thorough investigation, which included reviewing hundreds of hours of videotapes captured by the hotel security cameras and analyzing the contents of the laptop computer belonging to Smith's companion, Howard K. Stern, and "we found nothing to indicate any foul play."

Playboy Bunny

Broward County medical examiner Dr. Joshua Perper, who earlier had declined to make the autopsy results public until he reviewed the evidence, said that Smith's system contained methadone, anti-anxiety and weight-reducing drugs and, possibly, vitamins, among other substances.

This is also known as the Nicole Richie diet.

The former Playboy Playmate died six weeks ago, on Feb. 8, in Hollywood, Fla. According to the Associated Press, additional evidence from the Seminole Police Department, which is investigating Smith's death, delayed the autopsy's release.

Tiger said Monday that his department found "no evidence of illegal drugs" at the death scene and had reviewed "hundreds of hours of tapes [and] found nothing unusual" in regard to the death of the mother of Dannielynn.

The day after Smith's death, police said they had found no evidence that a crime had been committed, and Perper said he'd found no serious injuries in his initial examination.

Perper said at a Feb. 9 press conference that Smith's death could have been due "solely to natural causes ... some medical and chemicals ... or a combination of natural causes and medication."

No matter what, it's a tragedy. Perhaps a silver lining will be elicited, however, when Larry Birkhead is rightfully named the father of Dannielynn in the near future.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Winona Ryder's boobs are so yesterday's news.

While that star caught our attention with her cleavage flash over the weekend, an older, more beautiful actress is now keeping us abreast of her ample assets. That's right, even in her forties, Heather Locklear can feel herself up with the best of them.

Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner

We still have no idea how David Spade reportedly had the chance to touch these. But we assume Locklear ended the relationship once she saw a couple clips of Rules of Engagement.

Meanwhile, while we won't be seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt nude any time soon, we can probably expect this actress to pick up her cleavage PR campaign. She can't allow a celebrity twice her age to steal her boob thunder.

Lindsay Lohan must've been thinking the same thing during her recent GQ photo spread. Or maybe she was just wasted again.

by Mischalova at . Comments

We know how excited you are about still images of Kim Kardashian nude from her sex tape with Ray J. Put those out of your mind for a moment, though, and focus on exciting new movie shots from Spider-Man 3. The film hits theaters this summer.

But you don't need to wait any longer to see how Tobey Maguire looks in black as our favorite webbed super hero. The answer: sleek, sexy and on the prowl for bad guys.

Tobey Maguire Image

In the upcoming movie, one of those bad guys is played by Thomas Haden Church. He's best known at the moment for his role in Sideways, but that should change after he plots something evil against Spider-Man and his love, Mary Jane, in a couple months.

That part is played by Kirsten Dunst, of course. We couldn't track down any pics of her right now, though. Probably because she's too busy dating every single actor in Hollywood.