The Hills Recap: When Snarky BFFs Attack!

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The Hollywood Gossip is torn.

As LC would say, "We're, like, so torn."

The Plastic Pairing

Or, as Heidi Montag might put it, "torn, torn, torn!"

Apparently that's H-Mont's new thing on The Hills now: to repeat every point she has two to three times. But anyway. While Brody Jenner has been turning on the charm around Lauren, and they've maybe, kinda like hooked up, he's not her boyfriend, okay?! How many times can she say it?

That said, we're not sure she should be allowed to spend a whole episode getting territorial about him when Jen came to town for her birthday and moved in on him. On the other hand, if we spend just 10 minutes crushing someone here at T.H. Gossip and another staff member knows it, we expect them to back the g*d damn hell off.

Which I guess means we are coming down on Lauren's side, like, at least a little.

But let us go on the record stating that either way, Lauren is sooooo better off without Brody Jenner! We all know he's just out to date every celebrity he can so he can get famous.

The feud between Lauren and Heidi all began when Heidi, still hurting from a prior rift with LC over the latter's (justified) Spencer-hating, began joining Spencer's evil scheme to get Jen and Brody to totally hook up!

Wow. This demonstrates the lengths Spencer Pratt is willing to go to piss Lauren Conrad off. But really, as with so many of these things, it's much better in Heidi's words, uttered during a key ladies' room conference with Jen: "Loves you, loves you, loves you," she said of the incomparable Brody J.

Lauren, bless her heart, seemed to take a low-key approach in her passive-aggressive attack on Heidi. All she came up with was being BFF-ish with Audrina Patridge - so much so that we seriously thought there'd be some hot girl-on-girl action. For a second.

Just kidding. Not really.

But Heidi Montag, being Heidi Montag, after all, didn't even notice, since she was so busy pushing Jen on top of Brody. Eventually, the crew â€" Heidi, Jen, Brody, and Spencer â€" decided to retire to Brody's condo for the final sealing of the deal, if you will. And Jen will.

We loved the extra touch - just twist that knife in real deep, girl - of Jen phoning LC from the scene of the crime to ask Lauren's permission to go in for the kill. We are, like, officially siding with our girl LC in this feud now, FYI.

"Is it really worth screwing a friend over for Brody?" the adorable Whitney Port asked the next day upon hearing the story.

She meant it rhetorically, we're assuming, but the Gossip will go ahead and answer just the same: "No."

Later, while Lauren steamed clothes at Teen Vogue with Whitney (finally, a truly intern-worthy duty), she got a call from Jen - and the exchanged the followed proves that the newly empowered, assertive Lauren was here to stay.

"Seriously, Jen, don't be at my apartment when I get home," Lauren barked before hanging up.

Oh snap! If only she had given that treatment to Jason Wahler last season (she got it right in the end, though). Later, at home, she gave it good to Heidi, too.

"I don't feel like you're the friend you used to be," she said. "Spencer has you frickin' brainwashed; it's so sad to see. He's a sucky person."

This is why you're our hero, Lauren Conrad. Rock on, girl.

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