Columnist Bill Simmons of ESPN.com is a funny man. He's an extraordinary commentator and humorist on all things athletics, but the so-called Sports Guy can't hold a candle to his wife when it comes to popular culture. Here are the most recent comments of his wife, The Sports Gal, on our troubled girl Britney Spears...
I'm never surprised by the things I read about Britney anymore. She just can't get one thing right. She dresses like a tramp, chooses the wrong guys (talking to you, J.R. Rotem), wears no underwear, befriends bad people and neglects her children.
She lost everyone's respect and her public image is pretty much shot. I always knew she made a big mistake when she cheated on Justin Timberlake and now she's paying for it. The only way to restore her image and get her life back on track is to find a good man and settle down.
And that's what she's trying to do; she's just going about it the wrong way. She reminds me of the promiscuous girl in college who can't get a boyfriend because nobody wants to date the drunk who always has ripped stockings and smells like tequila.
If I were advising Britney Spears, I would tell her to ...
1. Fire her stylist, stop smoking, stop drinking, stop chewing gum, burn her entire wardrobe, then burn it again. Especially that black lace "dress" where we can see her panties and bra. Is she for real? Brit, you're a pop star, not a porn star.
2. Stop flaunting those enormous breasts. What's with the sudden Double-Ds? We know she's not breast-feeding - that would entail being in the same room with Jayden James. If those are implants, either go smaller or beat them down with a tire iron every morning.
3. Get rid of that man-stealing tramp, Paris Hilton. Paris will never allow Britney to have a good guy that she could have for herself. I'm convinced she made Britney fat with the Mean Girls trick by getting her hooked on fattening "diet" cookies. She's evil.
4. Avoid any and all men who have dated Lindsay Lohan, the Hilton sisters, Nicole Richie, Claire Danes, the Olsen Twins, and anyone slated to do a movie with Angelina Jolie.
5. Change her dating criteria to include NO dancers, NO unemployed trust-fund kids and NO men that allow their pants to dip below their anus.
6. Stay home with the kids and stay out of Las Vegas. Apparently the saying "whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" doesn't apply to Brit, because she can't spend three minutes there without us seeing a picture of her passed out or exposing her crotch.
7. Try to get back together with J.T. It's a million to one shot, but you never know.
8. Scrap tips 1-7 and just concentrate on showering and wearing underwear every day. It's a noble goal.