Breaking News: Michael Jackson is Fine, Thank You

Stop the presses. And lock your doors.

Michael Jackson is back in the United States of America, and no one seems to know exactly where. Perhaps even Michael himself.

Yes, the one-time King of Pop could be right around the corner from you. But most likely he's not. You would probably have noticed the hordes of people shrieking in abject terror by now.

You never know, though, and Jackson refused to reveal his whereabouts in a call with the Associated Press yesterday, except to say that he's back in the U.S. Come on, America. Pick it up. Can't we keep people like Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith out after they leave voluntarily?

For security reasons, said Wacko Jacko's representative, he wouldn't say where in the land of the free he is. But we're guessing it's probably not his freak-show ranch.

Recently, the regularly indicted, never convicted child molester has been spotted in Georgia (for James Brown's funeral) Las Vegas (to spend lots of money he thinks he has) and other locations. In March, Jackson is going to Japan, where humans will for some reason pay $3,300 apiece just to shake his hand.

Do they not know where that diseased, gloved hand has been? At the very least, it's been all over his crazy ex-wife - and heaven only knows where else.

Even more bizarrely, during the call, a reporter was allowed only one question to Jackson, which was, "How are you?"

Jackson's response: "I'm fine, thank you."

Wow. What a riveting exchange. Let's give this journalist a Pulitzer. While we're at it, let's give Brooke Hogan a Grammy and annoint Britney Spears mother of the year.